To You,

I look at you, but I don't see you, because it isn't me looking. I hear to you and I respond to you, but it isn't me listening, and it isn't me speaking. I just want to say sorry, because I want to talk to you, and laugh at your jokes, I want to tell you jokes. But I can't. I try, but they're better than me. You don't seem to like them, and you don't seem to like me, and I apologise.

I only ever want to see you smile, to see the light in your eyes. And I do see it, just not when we speak. And I know why. To be honest, because truth is all I have to give you, I don't like myself very much. They tell me why, everyday. But that's neither here nor there. I just wanted to say sorry, before I go. Because you're better without me. I can see that, and so can you. That's what they tell me, and I believe them. Because they notice what I don't.

Like how your mouth turns down in distaste when I try to tell a joke, and they tell me that you turn away from me when I see you in the corridor and I try to smile. I know it's not nice, so I don't blame you. I don't like looking at it either. Neither do they. But I don't blame them either. It's not just you, or them. It's everyone. And I understand, I really do. I just I could talk to you. I wish they would let me.

I'm writing this to you and they're letting me, because they're getting what they want. I'm smiling, amused, because they sound like spoilt children. But I know you won't be smiling, and maybe that's why I'm smiling. I just hope that I get to see you smile eventually. I hope that this doesn't affect you too much, but as I say this, they're telling me that you won't. That you and everyone want this. And I'm finally believing them.

I'm sorry that I didn't stay for you, but I tried. I really did. But it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough, and you began to hate me too. And if that is the case, then I am thankful, I really am. Because I don't want you to hurt like this. I don't want them to invade your mind, and stability. You don't deserve what they do to you. And I know that it isn't just me, and that this is common, but it doesn't help. I want you to understand, but I never want you to feel like this. I would go through this all over again if it meant that you wouldn't have to.

Everyone has told me that I'm not the only one. But they don't say when they have been successful. They don't tell you the relief you feel, when you know that it will be over soon. They would never tell you their satisfaction that you've finally accepted how pathetic you really are, and succumbed to the weakness.

I don't regret my decision, honestly. I only regret that I couldn't say this to you, personally. I really wanted to, but alas, they wouldn't let me. They knew that you would be able to convince me not to. And that I would have let you. They told me that you wouldn't care, if I had told you. And if it was anything that I couldn't handle, it would've been your indifference. I would never have been able to deal with the fact that you didn't care about me, because I could not imagine my life without you. And if this was the only way to know you, and be a part of you life, than I would do this in an instant. I would do everything and anything for you. Because you're my best friend. And I love you. I do love you. If anything, don't doubt that. Doubt me, doubt my strength to continue like this, but never doubt what you meant to me. They are foul, sweetheart. They violate your mind, and rape your soul until there is nothing left but an empty blackness. And that empty blackness is me, babe. It's what is left of me, and no one wants an empty shell with an emptier future. I wouldn't even want me. They took over me, they became my conscience, my intelligence, my sense of humour. They became, a twisted version of me, and I'm sorry that you had to deal with that.

I'm just sorry for everything I have and may put you through, but I know you can move on, because you're stronger than me. You always have been. Please just know that I love you, more than I can even put into words.

With love and pride,

Me x

A/N: I don't know where that came from... well I do, but whatevs.

Sorry if it was triggering or depressing, but that's just instinctual at the moment for me, and I hope for your sakes that, that changes soon.

I hope you enjoyed this though, it felt like a different type... but it may not be.

I'm rambling.

I also left a twitter account on my bio, so if you're interested in anything or have queries, or updates or my random thoughts and shit, then please, follow, tweet me. Yeah.

I'm done now.


Ham x