Chapter 2: Crazy
OPENING MY EYES, I SEEN ALEK'S blurry hand held out with my medications in his smooth palm. I reached out blindly and grabbed the pills, popping them in my mouth before I felt a cold glass pressed against my dry lips. I took a large sip of the water, trying not to choke on the dry pills.
I couldn't tell or remember even if I was sleeping or not before Alek had brought the medicine to me, all I knew was that the voices had to stop. They were all talking a hundred miles a minute, giving me a severe migraine that felt like I was being beaten in the head with the wrong end of a hammer.
Alek took me in his warm, muscular arms slowly, whispering in a soft and soothing voice, "It's going to be okay. You'll be fine. Give it a few minutes," in my ear as I cried.
I shook my head, knowing all too well that it wouldn't all be okay, sobs rocking through my body, making my stomach ache.
"I need something to listen to," I managed to tell him through my crying, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. Louder music, preferably where there's screaming or just really loud instruments, helped me out a lot. I couldn't tell what were and weren't the voices when I played it.
What felt like moment later, but could have been much longer, Alek was once again by my side, silently placing my earphones over my ears, the band Bullet for My Valentine filling my head. The music disguised the voices, but I knew they were still there. I was afraid that they wouldn't ever go away.
I lay back on the floor; my feet solidly on the floor so that my knees were sticking up, and closed my eyes. Letting the cold floor cool me off, I relaxed slightly.
I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be alive. Not if it meant living with voices constantly quarreling inside of my head, screaming at me in their hissing voices. They were slowly driving me insane, and I bet they knew it, too.
I SLOWLY TOOK IN MY SURROUNDINGS; I was in my bedroom, laying on my bed, on top of the covers; the memories from earlier were slipping back into my head in a rush as Helena by My Chemical Romance played quietly on my mp3 player.
I wiped my hair out of my face, where it clung to my cheeks from dried up tears. Not daring to look to my side, I guessed that Alek had fallen asleep next to me. The deep, slow breathing assured me that I was right, and I felt a small smile tug at the corner of my lips.
Turning my head, I came face to face with Alek. Slightly surprised as to how close he was to me, I scooted back away from him the best I could… and landed on the floor with a soft thud. I cried out in pain, wincing as I hit my head off of something sharp, my headphones coming off and landing next to me, the faint sounds of a hard rock band coming from them.
Ugh, I thought to myself as I laid there for a moment, unable to move without being dizzy. I lifted a cold hand to my head, the cold feeling nice where I'd cracked my head.
"Andy," I heard Alek's sleepy voice call from on the bed, and then I heard him move around, tossing the blanket to the side. I was grateful when that was the only voice I could hear now; the only one that I wanted to hear, and it brought a small smile to my face.
"Are you sure? What about little old me, Andy, I'd thought you would want to hear me, too," an angelic sounding, young girl's voice echoed through my room, questioning my thoughts and sounding slightly sad.
Alice was the only welcome voice, the only welcome vision. She had been fifteen when she'd died. She didn't live too long, and I felt bad for her. She never told me how it had happened, though I'd questioned her many times. She had said that she knew what I was going through though, but I wasn't too sure.
"Andy! This is good, you like him. He seems to like you, too, this is really good," her tiny voice blurted as she appeared, hovering above me, sporting a pink summer dress. She had always been so excited whenever Alek was around, and enjoyed spying on us whenever she had the chance. It almost reminded me of having a little sister around.
I frowned at her and shook my head sadly; my mind set on knowing that he didn't like me. I didn't want to get my hopes up anymore than they already were. I knew that her intentions were good, but I still didn't want to hear it.
"Andromeda," Alek said sternly, drawing my attention back to what was real. He was looking at me in an odd sort of way, poking his head over the side of my bed to look at me.
I let out a cough-cry as I took a deep breath, sitting up just to see a worried smile on his face. His shoulders were bare, which was sort of surprising to me. He didn't ever fall asleep without his shirt on when he stayed over. Boundaries we'd set when he'd started dating Marie a year ago.
"Uh, g-good morning? Ouch," I murmured softly, looking down at my hands and trying to focus on only having two instead of four. I was still slightly dizzy from trying to sit up so quickly, and rested against the side of my bed. I rubbed my head softly, a sheepish smile on my face as I looked at Alek finally.
He shook his head at me with a small smile on his face and reached out his warm hand to help me back up onto the bed gently.
Quickly pulling me onto the bed and under the warm covers, Alek curled me in his arms, hugging me close. "You had me worried for a second, Andy. I thought it started all over again," he murmured into my hair, sounding worried still.
I let out a short, humorless laugh. There's no way that it could start again, because it never really ended… but it wasn't like I was going to tell him that.
"Why are you doing this?" I blurted out suddenly, scrunching my eyebrows together. I wanted to take it back, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. He didn't have any true feelings for me, so there wasn't a reason for him to be acting like that.
"Doing what?" he asked me, his voice husky from being half asleep. He hugged me closer to him, nuzzling his nose in my hair and making goosebumps rise on my arms.
I didn't dare look up at his face, afraid of the expression it held. I knew what was coming, even before it came.
"You've upset the poor boy," Alice murmured in a sing-song sort of way from her perch on my dresser across the room. "He doesn't know what you're talking about, Andy," she continued, clearly reading his thoughts also.
I let out a sigh. How could this girl know more about what was going on than me? Honestly, it wasn't fair at all. She didn't have the right to know it when I didn't.
"This, Alek," I murmured, putting one of my pale hands on his nicely tanned chest. His tan wasn't a fake one like all of the rich and popular boys had.
His tan was real, from being out in the sun almost all year round. He was crazy; I'd made this conclusion when I was five years old, when I'd first met him. Even though now he's much taller than I am, we used to be about the same height when we were little. He'd passed five feet, two inches long ago though. Now he's more like, five feet, ten inches… or taller. I've lost track.
Alek let out a groan and his arms stiffened around me. "Is it a crime for me to care about you? Is it wrong to care about a friend? For me to stay and watch over you when you have an 'attack', and you quit breathing for two minutes straight? Tell me, Andromeda, what's so wrong with me watching over you when you're not okay, physically or mentally," he growled in my ear, no more than a whisper.
I probably wouldn't have said anything and dealt with the pain of him holding me so close to him, his arms around me holding me closely in place, if I knew he thought about it like that. If I knew what really happened when I had one of my "attacks".
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Alek. I'm sorry. You should… just go home," I murmured, feeling like I was fighting a war with myself as a tear rolled down my cheek as I tried my best to push myself away from him and out of his arms.
His grip only tightened on me, making it so I couldn't escape. "I'm not going to leave you like this. It's not right," he whispered, wiping the tears from my eyes as I closed them tightly, trying to block everything out. "I'd never do that to you, Andy. You're not okay," he finished with a sigh.
"I'm never okay, Alek. Can't you see that? I know that you'd probably rather spend time with Blue, instead of me," I murmured, using Marie's nickname. I was telling him the truth; I really never am okay. No matter what I want everyone else to think.
Alek and Marie are considered an item, as some would say. They'd been that way for a little over a year and a half now; it was like they were inseparable, even while I suffered. If she found out we were sleeping like this, I'd have to say goodbye to two of my best friends. I didn't think I could do that and still hold onto what little sanity I have left.
He was quiet for a moment, which assured me that what I'd said was right. He did want to be with Blue right now, and what he's saying? It doesn't really mean anything. I knew it all along. Why did I even bother to get my hopes up, even a little bit?
Quickly, I pushed myself out of his embrace and sat up, grabbing my cell phone and flipping it open. The time read 6 P.M. My mom wouldn't be home until ten tonight.
I needed a way to distract myself from Alek, but I knew it would be pointless. I jumped as his warm hand touched my bare arm gently, making me flinch slightly as my skin tingled. I mentally scolded myself; why did I have to react like that to him?
"Will you be okay?" he asked me, hidden in the tone of his voice was genuine concern. It was obvious now that he did care, but I still didn't want to believe it.
I couldn't hold back my sarcastic laugh. "I'm always okay," I murmured, lacing it with as much sarcasm as I could muster, and walked to my dresser and slid on the closest pair of faded blue jeans that I could find.
I left the black nightgown on and wandered around my room, trying to figure out what else to change into. I knew my hair was probably a disaster, and honestly, I didn't even care at the moment. I knew I looked horrible either way.
"You know, you're pretty bad at lying. Or was that sarcasm that I'd heard? It's hard to tell," Alek said in a humorless tone, sounding slightly sarcastic himself and very unhappy with me.
I laughed a short, quick laugh. "I speak sarcasm as a second language, hun, remember," I asked flatly.
Not caring that Alek was in the same room as me, I found a plain black t-shirt and pulled off my nightgown, exposing all of the bruises and scars on my back and ribcage. I had scars on my sides from gashes I'd sliced into myself – not entirely sure if they were on purpose or not, while I wasn't even in the right state of mind. I winced at the thought, and promised myself that I wouldn't even touch another razor or knife for a long time.
"Andy..." Alek scolded, sounding slightly breathless as he appeared behind me, his hands resting on my hips gently. I could barely feel his hands; it was as if he was afraid he'd break me. "I can't believe you'd do all of that to yourself," he whispered sadly, a slight disbelieving tone to his voice.
I shrugged my shoulders, quickly pulling the black shirt over my head. I'd forgotten that only Kitty knew about the marks everywhere else, but there wasn't anything I could do about it now. I wanted to avoid that topic, at all costs, but it didn't look like I was going to get away with it. Big mistake, exposing all of the cuts and scars to him, but it would have happened sooner or later. I let out a sigh.
He wrapped his arms around me, restraining me gently. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as I looked at us both in my vanity mirror. I was a disaster, while he was a tanned… I don't even know how to describe him. He was extremely and effortlessly handsome and well put together… and just plain… normal, while I wasn't even coming close to being normal with my hair like this, and my skin whiter than a sheet of paper.
"Please promise me that you'll never do that again, never hurt yourself," Alek spoke softly as he looked down at the bandages on my arms. "If not for me, do it for Kitty. She worries." It wasn't a question; I knew he was telling me to make that promise.
I shook my head. "I can't promise you anything like that, I really can't. When I get the attacks; it's really not me thinking. It's like I'm incapable of thinking about anything when it's happening. Like, I don't even have control over my own body," I told Alek honestly, hesitating slightly.
I took a deep breath, realizing I'd just told him all of that. It was something I wouldn't even tell Kitty, his sister. She was going to kill me for that one, because I tell her everything… and told her brother about this first.
Alek seemed lost in thought for a moment, but finally spoke. "You're really not okay, are you," he whispered, looking down at the floor, realization sinking in quickly. His breathing quickened and I wanted badly to reassure him that everything would be fine, that I would be okay, but I knew that I couldn't. I knew nothing would be okay. Nothing was for sure, and I couldn't lie to him like that.
"No, I'm not," I whispered back, studying his face intently, my brows furrowing together. "And there's nothing anyone can do about it; it's something I have to live with. You can't stop it, Alek," I murmured, trying to make eye contact with him, but he kept looking away.
His whole body stiffened at that. "Yes. There is something, I'm sure there is. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? If that's the case, then there is something for someone to do about it. If you can't control it… it means…" he hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes before continuing, "it means that you can't stop yourself, from killing yourself, doesn't it," he forced it out quickly, his voice lower than a whisper.
I bit my lip. I knew this question was coming, but I really didn't want it to come this soon. A tear slowly made its way down my cheek, and then dropped to the floor. I knew I was supposed to say something, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. We stood there in silence for what felt like ages, me looking at him and him looking off into outer space, lost in thought.
"Answer me, Andy. Don't spare my feelings like you do everyone else. I'm sick of that, just tell me the truth," he demanded in a low growl, sounding helpless. Hearing him like that broke my heart, in more than one way.
I sucked in a breath, startled by how he was talking. "It means that… if I'm by myself… there's no telling what could happen to me. It gets so bad, Alek," I whispered finally, holding back the rest of the tears that were threatening to spill at any moment. I knew it was inevitable, but I still tried.
He took a deep breath and held it for a moment, letting it out quickly, and then nodding like he had accepted it all already. "Then I won't let you be alone, Andy. I'm not gonna lose you," he said finally, sounding determined, like he knew that this is what he was supposed to do.
Letting out a sigh, I knew he had his mind set on it. "But, Alek -"
Before I could finish my protests, the doorbell rang, interrupting me and echoing through the small apartment.
"Hm, who could it be at this hour?" I thought angrily to myself as I let out a sigh.
Quickly, I made my way out of my bedroom and down to the bottom of the staircase that led into the small living room downstairs.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly pulled the front door opened, just to reveal a friend with tears streaking down her cheeks; mascara smeared everywhere, and in sweatpants and a tank top. Her hair was in a messy bun with a headband, and she carried a box of tissues in one hand. I let out a sigh, knowing that my time with Alek would have run out sooner or later.
It was Marie.