Desiring the Undesirable
A/N: Sorry that this chapter is short, but it's only due to being the prologue. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoy writing it.
Song Inspiration: A Thousand Years Pt. 2 by Christina Perri
You the know the saying: "There's always more fish in the sea" or "There's someone out there for everyone"? I find myself half believing it and half not. Sounds logical, right? Of course it doesn't, I'm glad you understand this vague predicament I'm in.
I'm not the type to beat around the bush, so I won't sugar coat anything. I want to be in love, but I feel as if no one wants to be in love with me. It's a terrible feeling, if anything, it feels as if something with sharp teeth is gnawing away at my heart every second of every heart beat.
My point is, I've never found someone that I could give my love to. Never. And when I say that, I mean I've never been in a relationship nor have much experience with the whole dating game. But I've become aware of how boyfriends and girlfriends treat each other, and all that.
Observing has always been something I've been good at. And that's what I do most of the time instead of ever making a move on the guy I'm currently infatuated with: Vince Goodwin. I can't do it, no matter how hard I try and march up to him, and say even a simple "Hello". It's very frustrating; I have loads of arguments with my brain all the time, I'm surprised it hasn't exploded yet.
Vince Goodwin is very attractive, very flirty, very smart, and very athletic who many people adore, including myself. There's this spark I find in the depths of his eyes that I can't even find in my own soul. I think that's why I desire for him to be mine, so that I can feel...in a way, complete.
I make it the least obvious in emotion I show to anyone, but I'm envious of most girls. Although, I also desire to befriend people who'll care about me genuinely, to earn hopefully close friendships that won't break over a misunderstood argument or a boy, as those are the most common break offs of friendships.
Nevertheless, I thrive being in a friendship so strong, that I have a equal listener and communicator. And besides finding friendship which I have experience in, I want to be in mutual love, something I've never been in before.
Experiencing something that I'm so detached from drives me crazy. I constantly ask my mother how to earn the object of my affection's love. But since it's just my mom and I, she shares father like qualities, making it natural for her to be uncomfortable talking about boys with me.
It can really frustrate me. Having to figure out love all by myself. That's why I desire a friend...and a guy, a special person who will be there for me as much as I am for him.
Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll find both in the same person. Even though I may be infatuated with Vince, I'm already aware that it will never happen between him and I. We are two very different people with very different paths. He doesn't even have an interest in hiking, and someone who doesn't hike, simply won't do.
My mom does tell me one thing about my problems with guys. I have too many high expectations, but she says it's supposedly due to me being fearful. Fearful of loving someone that won't love you in return. I believe that, I believe that very much.
Back in middle school, I had a three year long crush on a guy whose name shall remain anonymous. Back then, I was much more out there and confident, I had some friends that were actually pretty cool. I wasn't as self-conscious and over analyzing back then, and I was a lot more open and even a bit more trusting of others.
Well, my old friend, Monica Jones, persisted that I should tell him how I feel. I didn't want too of course, being overly nervous and whatnot. I didn't want to do the typical "messenger game" and send my friend to tell him herself either. That would just lead to complications and I knew that in the long run, it'd be a mistake.
So, I knew the only chance I'd get to be in a relationship with him would be to tell him myself. But in alone place, so neither of us would be embarrassed or humiliated by the audience of other adolescents.
May I mind you, he was only in my math class, so we didn't know each other very well on a personal level, but rather, surface level. Of course though, in the heat of the moment, my mind was clouded with false love for him. I thought about him obsessively daily; sometimes at night I'd have fantasies he was in my room, watching me and thinking how beautiful I was to him.
I figured that my fantasies became stronger than the touch of reality that I started believing that I liked him much more than I actually did.
Mr. Anonymous finally agreed to meeting me after class when I had built enough courage and asked him one day. My whole day had been filled with mirth: a perfect score on my math test, friends being exceptionally nicer than usual to me, and going fishing later that day with my grandpa. I thought nothing could turn bad now.
Boy, was I wrong. My intuition sure fails me, but not anymore. (Hopefully, that's just wishful thinking.)
Him and I were standing near some lockers, and I could feel my face reaching a high temperature, knowing that in a few seconds, my feelings would be known the perpetrator himself. I couldn't help but fidget slightly, and feel my palms sweat heavily.
Not noticing that he looked disinterested in what I wanted to say, I laughed nervously while he picked his nails away.
"S-so, um, well...er, one of my friends was wondering what your type of girl is." I was a fool for making up such a lame lie. But to my relief back then, he had believed it once the sentence flowed out of my mouth like word vomit.
He looked very interested, his dark blue eyes sparked with a desire to know. "Who would that be?"
"Sorry!" I laughed like an bumbling idiot. "Can't say! But you'll know sure enough if you want to..." I let out in almost a squeaky voice.
He knitted his eyebrows and itched the side of his cheek briefly. "Okay...well, I like tall girls, I prefer blonde hair, and green eyes are pretty nice, too."
What? I couldn't have believed my ears as his expectations for the appearance of his 'perfect girl' was nothing like me at all! I was very petite and short, with dark brown hair, and big hazel eyes.
If anything, it sounded like one of my friends...actually, too much like one of my friends. My face had darken at the quick realization as the oblivious boy begin to have a real sappy look on his face, clearly showing he was thinking about 'Miss. Blondie'.
"You like Monica," it was a clear statement, no questionable vocals in my voice whatsoever.
His face instantly flushed and his eyes widened.
My eyes mimicked his, as I felt a strong ache in my heart. I hated the feeling, if anything, the feeling was starting to become so strong, I felt like I was suffocating. Almost as if someone was choking me, all the oxygen in my body felt like it was leaving slowly and painfully.
"She's the one, right? Who wanted to know?" he seemed excited after the little shock that became him. My eyes started to lower, and I found the wooden school flooring with patterns interesting.
He doesn't like me. He doesn't like me. He doesn't like me. He likes my best friend...Monica.
I was already envious of her as it was. I was jealous of her gorgeous green eyes, and her flirty blonde hair that many guys seemed to favor over dark hair nowadays. Now knowing that the guy I've liked for three years likes the person I envy most, I wanted to cry. So badly, but I had refused. I wasn't the vulnerable type, but of course, everyone has their limit.
Mr. Anonymous looked worried. "Hey, Livi, are you okay?"
My eyes got huge from a sudden emotion of out right anger. "It's Vivi!" I corrected him with a high voice, "It's Vivi!" I repeated, almost into hysterics.
He looked a bit frightened by my sudden change of mood. "Oh...sorry, um, you mind cutting back a bit? You're sort of freaking me out."
I spun around abruptly and took off on my heel hard. I couldn't stop the stupid tears falling down my face; I felt so stupid. So stupid for being oblivious to the fact he never liked me. Hell, he didn't even know my name!
And he likes her...
The same insecure question popped into my brain as it did the second of the present, where I was in detention for forgetting my supplies in my locker. I felt teary eyed as I wondered loudly in my head.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I be recognized as special to the guy I like? Why is it always someone else? Why is it every time I like someone, it's a failure that could never be fixed like my heart?
I think forever my heart is bruised from the past rejections. The first one was subtle, he never really figured out that I had liked him until freshman year in high school. He was surprised, and he...he didn't even remember who I was. The second guy, that I liked last year was Vince, the guy I surprisingly still currently like.
It was a bit different, and I decided to do it the crummy way and let a new friend of mine that I met last year who's not very close to me to ask him if he liked me.
I was so anxious, I felt like ripping my hair out just thinking about it.
Then I remembered what he told that girl a sentence that would scar me for the rest of my life. "I don't like girls like her."
What did that even mean? Girls like me, huh? What is so bad about me? Is it the fact that it's hard for me to express myself correctly? Is it because I'm cold and aloof to guys now that I like, and even get them in trouble because I'm immature due to past failures and subconscious psychological damage?
That's not me, though. It's not me! Why can't I show people the real me? Why can't I even show girls or even friends of who I truly am? The real me? Why do I always feel so isolated from everyone else? I can't possibly be that different.
Is this different bad too, according to them?
Some girls even hate me too...I don't quite understand why, but I really wish I did. I really wished I knew how I could fix myself into someone that people would like.
I wish I didn't feel the need to not express myself, or feel so alone and isolated. I wish I had true friends who stuck by me and would always be there for me. And I wish I could have a guy who saw me through rose-colored glasses, and know I was beautiful inside and out.
Why is it so hard to find some people like that? I hate being alone, I hate being different. Why couldn't I've just been born normal? I hate not having friends...or even a boyfriend that everyone else seems to have.
Is desiring me, like desiring the undesirable? How can I make that be as far away from possibly being the truth?
I didn't know that at this very moment when these melancholic thoughts were going through my head, that in detention, I'd find who I had been looking for all along.
End of A/N: I feel bad for our protagonist. :( As you can see, she's a discouraged sophmore girl in the love department and finding people who will accept and take the time to understand her.
I bet many of you can relate, for many people feel different from the blob of similar people. But truly, everyone is very different. Some just show it more than others.
More of her character will be shown of course in the next chapter where her love interest will be introduced and he isn't quite as he seems. Will she find some friends who will relate to her, too? Who knows, until the next chapter!
Next Chapter Title: Chapter l: Acknowledgment
Please review! And share with me what you think so far. I predict the next chapter will be out somewhere around next week. And next Tuesday is when I start freshmen year in high school! I'm so excited yet super nervous! :D Well, bye!