You were in the waiting room anxiously anticipating what diagnosis they would give Madi. If only I could have been there to take your hand as you made the hard decision to put her down. As you stood over your first cat and watched the life leave her eyes. I could have been the one you confided in, when you felt you had no one. I would have listened to you, I would have let you share yourself with me. All those times as a teenager where you felt awkward and out of place; when those immature girls would say, "You're hot, for an Asian." I should have been there for those young adult years, in a more mature manner than I was. I could have been the one to calm your suffering and kiss those demons away, instead of cause more. I would have helped you through the pain, strife and everything in-between.
The triumphs and moments of pride. Those times on tour when you felt like you were doing something right, getting somewhere. The albums you recorded that you felt the mix sounded perfect. The sunny days when we could have sat outside, smoking and laughing and sipping wine. Or the rainy days when we'd just disappear under the covers of your bed, making love until the storm would pass. To share in your glow after a Bikram class where you hit all the poses. I could create with you over your lifetime. Pen, paint, marker, whatever we could grab, scratching, shaping, forming. Giving life to our ideas, making our dreams speak through a variety of mediums.
But I wasn't there and I couldn't have been. I was busy with my own pain, my inability to function under pressure. We both had growing and learning to do on our own before we could be this good to each other. And we have now and the future together. To catch up on all the time we've missed. I wish I knew how to express to you all these wishes. I sum it up, just as easily, in just three words, "I love you." As I kiss your neck it feels like I've known you forever.