AN: A fluke I wrote around two years ago that I found and decided to publish here. Enjoy!

It's been weeks, and I still can't come to terms with it. The doctors have cleared me and I checked out of the hospital about two weeks ago. I haven't seen you since I was admitted to the hospital, and I still wonder if you will ever show up at my doorstep again.

I've gone back to work and my usual routine, save the Friday night dinners I should've spent with you. I can't go back to the gym, doctor's orders. I have nothing to do at home, so I walk in the park every now and then. I head back home the moment I see that spot near the lake where we would usually spend Sunday afternoons. I can't seem to shake the memory of you from my mind. I can't seem to accept the fact that you're gone.

It's been months now, and I'm more or less fine. I've gone back to the gym. That seems to help me cope with your absence. It distracts me from thinking of you. I still don't get why you're gone. I visit your parents often. They haven't seen you in months either. They still treat me like their child. It's nice yet painful at the same time. The visits seem to help mend a gap that you left in my life.

No one bothers me at work. My friends have given me space, talking only when they saw it fit to talk. They make sure that I feel their support, and I do, even if they don't verbally say it. That comforts me, the fact that they would stand by me. So that does mean I spend most of my time alone.

Keeping a routine helps. It means I only have to follow a schedule. I wake up and take a shower, go to the office, sit at my desk and work 'til five, walk home, grab my gym bag, walk to the gym, work out, walk home, take a shower, grab some dinner, change the clothes in the gym bag, go to sleep then repeat the routine. Every weekend, I walk around town, wandering aimlessly for hours at a time, getting lost in the city and finding my way back. It helps me focus on something other than your absence.

I'm going out of my mind trying to find a way to distract myself from thoughts of you. You're driving me insane. I can't feel your presence anywhere I go. I feel so empty and bereft. I feel hollow and dry. I feel raw. I feel broken. I feel beaten. There isn't anything left of me. Distractions are just that: distractions. It's been nearly a year and I still can't shake the thought of you. I wake up and all I ever see is your face staring at me from mere pictures. I keep trying to remember the soothing sound of your voice but all I hear is emptiness.

Your parents ask if I would want to accompany them in visiting you, but I declined. I couldn't bear to see what had become of you. How ironic for me to decline the chance to see you when all along, that's all I have wanted to do. The reason: I'm more afraid than I have ever been in my life.

I'm afraid of facing the truth. I'm afraid of the horrors I'll have to fully face. I've been avoiding the truth of your absence for so long that I can't seem to find the courage to face it. I can't seem to find the courage to go and visit you where you stay. I can't seem to find the courage to move on.

So I avoid having to face you. I come up with absurd excuses just so that I won't have to see you again. I guess I've been waiting for you to walk through my door. Ever since that fateful crash, I've been waiting for you. You never showed up at my bed side at the hospital. You never visited me. You left me cold and alone. I guess I've been afraid of seeing you because I was mad at myself for letting what happened happen to you. I'm afraid of seeing you again after neglecting you.

I remember the ring I gave you a month before that stupid crash. The ring that marked you as mine. The ring that promised me a life with you forever. You said yes. That thrilled me to the core. I was ecstatic. I couldn't hold in the joy I felt when you uttered that one word. You were to be bonded with me for a lifetime.

We were headed to your parents' house in the country-side to tell them of the pending vows. We were travelling at night. I guess that was the mistake we had made. We argued about which road to take. Then it happened. The fateful crash. I never so you again after that.

After a year of not seeing you, after a year of that fateful crash, I finally decide to get into the car and drive towards you. It's a pretty long drive. I've got a lot of time to back out and go back home. I don't. I keep driving. I'm not even thinking anymore. I've driven through this route a thousand times before, only to turn back at the last minute. I don't this time around. I continue driving. I don't spare a glance at the flowers sitting on the passenger's seat. I've passed the guard at the gate. I'm taking the necessary turns to finally get to you. I park the car and step out, flowers in hand. Well, it's too late to turn back now.

I walk. The long route. The route we took to get you where you will forever lie. To your final resting place. Once I get there, I lay the flowers before your grave, kneel and finally succumb to the tears that have eluded me for a year. The year where you left me for good. The year I lived without you. The year that you were no longer there...