To You,

When the Japanese repair broken objects, they try to repair the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something suffers and has a history, it becomes more beautiful. Does that mean that at this point in my life when I lay in pieces on the bathroom floor, I am finally whole and valuable?

I never knew what intimacy was until I tasted you on my lips, when you planted your fingers on my bare skin, our sweat mingling until we had no idea where I began and you ended, or what "I," and "you," even meant. But like the sea retreating away from the shore, you would without a doubt leave me. This is a fact that never escapes my action yet why do I keep searching for all the reasons how you became such a beautiful creature? I need to find the reason in why to justify the love I already feel for you, so I can let go.

You're not like the others. When I talk, you look at me. When I remarked on something I liked in passing, you would bring it up weeks later. Yet when I tell you the reasons I dug up for why the wrinkle of your nose and the slightly crooked perfection in your smile strike a chord within me, unfailingly your eyes slide past me to a place I cannot reach.

Only now do I realize that was the last time; that the kiss you give me before you left, the only kiss, was your gift to me in farewell. I ruptured my cracked shell into pieces in foolish anticipation that you would see me when you glanced back briefly to see the vague memories of those you've wrecked behind you; only memories.

I'm just kidding myself. I fractured myself; secretly wishing you would come back and mend my broken cracks with gold. I should have known that once you left, it was a goodbye to last a life time just like you warned me when we first met and I was overwhelmed by your presence and the smell of your laundry detergent intermingling with your shampoo.

I never told you that I'm not worried about a new girl staying in your life. I know as she comes to know the intricacies of your character like I did, she will either leave or be pushed away by you. I never told you that part of my love was out of pity, that although I could see all the unapproachable flaws in you, I pitied you too. I never told you I tried being compassionate and empathetic, except now I realize that those things are all useless. I never told you, but I don't know if you will come to understand that you broke a part of me, some last remnant of my faith in intimacy.

I never told you that sometimes, I felt like I wasn't worth the effort. That I felt that there was a part of me broken and unlovable, that I wasn't good enough for your consideration, for your respect. I never told you that it was inconsiderate to text back after hours and hours and only say you forgot in return. You forgot and this is just how you are.

I'd like to lie and say that your name no longer haunts me, except that I don't think it's possible. Some days, when my guard is lower than usual, it often takes me unaware. Like the melancholy that grabs and chokes me within its grasp on days when all I want to do is burrow deeper into my covers and block out the world. Erase the thoughts that haunt me, and the emotions that drown me. Now that the pace of my life has slowed to take its breath, everything that I pushed to the back of my mind is now surfacing.

The day after I answered the question you asked me, I went into the shower and I bawled. It was a crying deep from my heart because even then, I knew it was over. Nothing hurts more than someone continuing something because they don't know how to say no.

The day I told you I didn't want to try anymore because I was so tired, in reality I wish you'd care enough to tell me to stay and that you would at least attempt to step outside your comfort zone. What I never told you and what you never realized was that even though everyone thought me to be strong and indestructible, there were so many cracks in my defense; it isn't perfect at all. All I wanted was a place that I could allow myself to be weak and true.

When I read your responses, suddenly my body couldn't stop trembling. I couldn't stop shaking and I had no idea why. I now realize it was probably because my body knew better than me when it was all over. Later, I told myself it was just the caffeine I'd drink so much of. I tried to convince myself that your rejection meant nothing at all, and that you were just a stupid human being who couldn't realize my worth.

Except even I didn't believe in my value.

I just wanted someone who wouldn't run.