Chapter One

It all seems so surreal, standing surrounded by strangers, overwhelmed by their fake concern and sympathy, and smothering in the floral perfume hanging in the air that's threatening to strangle the small breaths of air I'm able to take. The air is cool enough to bring chill bumps springing to life over my arms, but I guess that's normal for a funeral home. Bodies need cold temperatures, right? Keeps them from…. The knot in my stomach forces me stumbling out of the viewing room, my hands fumbling over the bathroom door as I fall into it. Barely making it to the toilet, my stomach empties itself, acid rising in my throat. Thank God it's been days since I could handle eating.

Sinking to my knees, grabbing tissue and wiping vomit from my lips as the first wave of tears break free of my eyes and stream down my cheeks. The sobs leave my body shaking, ripping from my chest with tiny gasps spilling from my lips as I struggle to breathe. I just can't breathe! It's all too much, this crushing weight on my chest. It's too much, this pain burning inside me. It's just too surreal to comprehend. It's all just a nightmare but why am I not waking from it? I just want to wake up.

How the Hell does life suddenly just flip upside down, destroying everything that's held steady for eighteen years? It just shouldn't happen like this! It's just not right. People don't just wake up one morning, day starting like every other day, to just collapse on the kitchen floor, eyes rolling back and breathes haggard and fading. Normal days don't just shatter into this world of suffering and misery and grief.

"Mom…." God, it hurts so much, whispering her name and knowing she'll never hear me again, never speak to me again. No more half smiles at my antics. No more understanding hugs. Everything just gone in a blink of an eye, and life just suddenly doesn't seem as promising, the days just a little darker and more solemn.

Hands jerking at the tie that's suddenly strangling, I sling it across the bathroom, watching it slide under the sink to rest in a heap against the wall. I can't do this. How do you move on from the death of your mother? How am I supposed to just get through this? And I swear to God if one more person tells me it all happens for a reason, or it's meant to be, I'm going to explode. Just explode! Don't tell me this is what's supposed to happen.

Hearing the door knob turn and the door creak open, I lean my head outside the bathroom stall watch silently, attempting to smother the sobs, as my brother eases the door shut and slides the lock into place. Turning on his heels, his unwavering dark eyes find me huddled against the wall, his normal care free smile absent from his face as soft steps carry him across the tile floor until he is crouching down beside me. Only five years older than me, but the dark suit and tie make him look more mature, more adult like, especially with his normally tussled brown hair combed down neatly. My suit and tie just makes me look even more ridiculous, younger and awkward.

"How you doing, kiddo?" His voice is so soft, so concerned, his eyes meeting mine and conveying so much emotion that when his arm reaches out I collapse into his embrace, burying my face against his chest as his arms close around my back, holding me tightly as the once again sobs tear through me. Long, lean fingers thread through my shaggy hair, smoothing it away from my face, and memories of Mom doing the same thing battles to the front of my mind, bringing more tears. She just always knew what to do to make me feel better, no matter how sick I felt or how high my fevers would rise.

"Jamie, it's okay to cry. Just let it out, okay? I'm here." Sinking down to the cold tile, Robbie drags me onto his lap, still cradling me against him like a small child, but I don't care. Fisting my hands in his shirt, I hold onto him for dear life, terrified that he will just slip away. I can't lose him, not like I lost Mom. I can't let go, or he might disappear like she did, and I don't care how ridiculous it looks with a half grown teenager being held like a toddler, I'm not letting him go.

"Robbie, she's gone." I've never heard my voice sound so broken before, but here it is, this weak, pathetic thing whispering against his shirt, half muffled. Robbie's embrace tightens, the firm muscles of his arms pressing reassuringly against my back. "I know, kiddo, I know. We're going to be okay, you know? You and I… we're going to get through this one day at a time, okay?"

"How?"

His chin dips down, resting against the top of my head, his heavy sigh washing over me as his chest heaves. "I don't know yet, but we will. We will, okay? Just trust me, Jamie. You know I'm always right. When have I ever let you down, huh? You gonna start doubting me now?"

Shaking my head against his chest, my ear presses against him, listening to his soft breathing and the beating of his heart. Finally the tears are slowing. Maybe I've finally cried out everything I can. I'm just so tired, so horribly exhausted. It seems like days since I slept, and maybe it has been. Since that morning…. "I'm so tired," I whisper, eyes fluttering open as I tilt my head up enough to see his strangely calm face.

"You think you can walk right now? Let's go get some breakfast, huh? My treat. Come on, kiddo." Thank God Robbie's stronger than me, because I really don't think I could stand on my own without his firm arms guiding me to my feet. A small smile curving his lips, he tugs off his tie and uses it to gently wipe at my face. "There, much better."

Securing his arm around my shoulders, Robbie leads me out of the bathroom, down the hallway, away from all the gathering spectators and away from the viewing room. My head turns towards it as we pass, my eyes landing on the casket's open lid and sweeping down towards the pillows. Arm tightening around me, Robbie tugs me quickly away from the open door. "Don't look," he murmurs, guiding me through the entry way and towards the exit.

Sunlight streams over us as he pushes open the double doors, leading me outside and down the steps to cross the parking lot to his old red Toyota Camry. Opening the door, he pushes me into the passenger seat, grabbing the seatbelt and buckling it over me. I guess he realizes how useless I am at the moment, my fingers clenching my knees tightly to hide the tremble taking hold of my body. Seconds later Robbie slides into the driver's seat, shoving his key into the ignition.

"Omelet Corner okay with you?" he asks, his dark eyes glancing over at me at he pulls out of the parking space. Lifting my shoulders in a slight shrug, I force my head to turn, meeting his eyes. "I'm not hungry, Robbie. Whatever you want."

"Omelet Corner it is, and you are going to eat something, kiddo. I don't care if it's just toast. You're eating."

"Robbie…." Before I can even start my protest, Robbie's hand drops onto my head, ruffling my hair. "Shut it, Jamie. I'm not letting you get sick. You gonna fall out if you don't eat. Despite whatever you believe, coffee is not one of the food groups. Speaking of coffee, no more of that. Judging from those dark rings under your eyes I know you're not sleeping, so no more coffee. You are going to get some rest, you hear me?"

"I can't." Slumping in my seat, my body turns towards the window, my forehead pressing against the cold glass. Every time I try to close my eyes I see her falling, writhing against the kitchen floor, her eyes rolling back in her head and clear liquid gushing from her mouth. No, I can't sleep. I can't keep seeing that. I can't keep going through it over and over.

"You're going to get some rest, Jamie. We'll get some sleep aid from CVS Pharmacy, and then you're going to get some sleep. You look like you're gonna collapse."

"You don't understand, Robbie…." His hand returns, gripping my shoulder and squeezing gently. "Jamie, I can't imagine what you went through. Being there when she had the heart attack... I'm so sorry, kiddo. So sorry you had to see that." Tears stinging my eyes and threatening to return, I shift, leaning into his touch and squeezing my eyes shut against them. "It was horrible, Robbie. Horrible."

Stretching out his arm, he pulls me in close to his side, half hugging me over the gearshift and against the straining seatbelt. "I know, kiddo. I'm sorry you were there. I'm sorry this happened at all. I wish I could make it go away." Robbie's arm slips away as his hand finds the steering wheel, turning the car into the Omelet Corner parking lot and into a front parking space. Cutting the engine, his fingers find the seatbelt, releasing it seconds before his arms wrap around me.

"If you need to talk, Jamie, I'm here. Whenever you're ready. I'm always gonna be here. I promise, kiddo." My arms wrap around him so tightly I don't know how he can even breathe, but he seems not to notice. Instead of complaining about my tight hold, his arms hold even tighter to me, and even though it's slightly uncomfortable, the angle wrong, it feels safe. Solid and comforting. Despite never wanting to break free, I shift and ease out of his arms, my fingers dropping down to release my seatbelt.

"I'm glad you're here, Robbie."

"Always, kiddo. Come on, food awaits us." Sliding out of the car, he glances at me expectantly so I push open the door and get out, shutting it as he reaches my side and catches hold of my arm. "So, what you feel like? Wanna try some toast and scrambled eggs?" he asks, as we step into the small diner.

The waitress, a pretty young girl immediately flashes a smile in our direction, her eyes sweeping over Robbie. Grabbing two menus, she moves towards us, her eyes never leaving him. I don't blame her. My brother has never had a problem pulling dates. I don't think I've ever met a woman who didn't feel attracted to his boyish charm and good looks. And this girl is just his type with long black hair and deep blue eyes and long legs, but he barely seems to notice her interest as she leads us to a table in the back of the diner.

"Hi, I'm Sara, and I'll be your server today. Can I get ya'll anything to drink?" she asks, her smile never leaving as she faces him, one hand resting against her hip.

"Orange juice for both of us, please." His smile flashes up at her, blinding in its brilliance. Perfect white teeth, dimples. If she wasn't already falling for him, that smile would have sealed her fate. "And we'll go ahead and order, too. Toast and scrambled eggs with cheese for Jamie here, and I'll take a strawberry waffle with scrambled eggs and bacon."

"Be right back with your drinks, sweetie," Sara promises, winking at Robbie as she moves past him, her fingertips lightly trailing over his shoulder.

"She's seriously into you, Robbie." Toying with a napkin, I glance across the table at him and find a surprised expression spreading across his face. "She is?" I swear Robbie can be so oblivious sometimes. He never picks upon the flirty looks and touches. "Yeah, Robbie. I bet she slips you her number before we leave."

"Hmmm." Glancing back, his eyes search for her over the counter as Sara pours orange juice into two glasses. "She is pretty. Nice legs. What do you think, Jamie?" Turning back to me, he raises an eyebrow at the sudden heat flaring across my face. "She's pretty," I agree, ducking my head as Sara nears the table.

"Food will be right up. Can I get you anything else?" She's leans over, just enough for the slits of her white blouse reveal ample cleavage, but Robbie's eyes remain on hers, never drifting downward. "We're good, thanks." After she passes, Robbie's fingers tap against my head, a grin forming on his lips. "Maybe I'll get her number for you, huh, baby bro?"

"What's the point? She's into you, not me, and it's not like I'll be around here much longer anyway. I'm gonna have to go live with Dad until college starts. Atlanta is a Hell of a distance from here." My words are bitter even to my ears. Dad, if that's what he should even be called, hasn't exactly been a pleasant presence in my life.

Before the divorce, he was a mean alcoholic who enjoyed beating on whoever was unfortunate enough to stumble into his rampage, but thankfully after the divorce he managed to disappear for the last decade. Thinking of moving in with him, even for the short three months before college starts, has my stomach ready to heave again. But what choice do I have? Hell, graduation was only two weeks ago, and it's not like I can pay the rent and utilities until the fall quarter starts. Dropping my head into my hands, I can't hold back the groan.

"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Jamie. Look, we know me and my roommate have that apartment right outside the university. It's three bedrooms… well, it can be three bedrooms. We were using the third bedroom as an office catch all, but it can be cleaned out pretty easily. What I'm trying to say, Jamie, is I that talked to Ethan before I drove down here, and we both want you to come live with us. We can move your stuff into that room, and when school starts you'll already be right there. What do you say?"

My head jerks up so suddenly I feel almost faint, but Robbie's words are repeating in my head. Live with him and his roommate? "Are you serious, Robbie? I mean, I don't even have a job, and your roommate doesn't even know me…."

"Jamie, of course I'm serious. There's nowhere else you should be but with me, and Ethan's a great guy. You'll like him, and he's got no problem with you moving in. As for a job, you can get a part time one if you want, but your money is your money. Ethan and I do just fine with what we make. We don't need anything or expect anything from you. Well, you can take over house cleaning duties if you want since I refuse to clean the bathroom, and Ethan's nonstop bitching about it is getting old, but beyond that, we just want you there with us. So?"

The emotions swelling up inside my throat leave me unable to speak so I settle for a nod, pressing a hand to my eyes to hold back the resurfacing tears. I've never cried so much in my whole life, and now I can't seem to stop. "Thanks, Robbie," I finally manage, still unable to look at him, but I hear him shift on his seat and then his hand is on my arm, squeezing from across the table. "No need for thanks, baby bro. I'm just glad you're agreeing, because I would hate to have to add kidnapping charges to my list of crimes. Great, looks like Sara's got our food. Now eat up, kiddo, we've got a long day ahead of us."