TW: psychological abuse

Coffee

I didn't know much- I knew he was trouble. We both did, but we knew it too late. She was in too deep- I knew that, but I was going to get her out. What I didn't know was that I was in too deep as well. I couldn't help her. I didn't know I was so helpless, useless. I didn't know. I still thought I could help her. I thought I was helping. I thought

We were there, the three of us, together. I knew she was in trouble, I knew he had gotten to her, but I still thought it would be okay. I thought she would be okay. I wasn't aware - I thought - I thought – fuck!

I got us coffee, three of us. I didn't even think...

He had told her she couldn't have coffee. I don't know why. One more way to control her, I guess. I knew he had said it, but it wasn't at the forefront of my mind.

As I handed the cup to her, he said 'no'. He took it, put it back on my tray. She withdrew. She didn't fight him like she once would have – and how, in just a few weeks of knowing her had he done this? How did it happen? I wanted to show her I could and would fight for her, for her freedom, to save her, to save my friend from this monster, this monster who was trying – succeeding – taking her light away from us.

I stood between them, in front of her, shielding her with my body. I screamed at him, words straight from my heart, my anger, my fear for her and my protection. He just smirked, everything about him told me he knew he had us exactly where he wanted us. And he did- but I didn't know it yet. She knew, but I didn't.

I wanted to protect her, get rid of him, protect us. I wanted everything to be okay, for this nightmare to be over. Leave us alone! Just leave her alone, get out! He laughed at me. I was so angry, self-righteous, confident. I wanted to throw the scalding coffee at him, let us escape, hurt him, make him think twice

leave us alone leave us alone leave us alone

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt anyone, not even him, I couldn't do it, I couldn't. At the last second, my arm changed course and the cup hit the floor to my right. And let that be a lesson to you, don't come near her again! Next time you won't get off so lightly! Outwardly defiant, inwardly I trembled.

Suddenly he was touching me. I couldn't stand it get off get off get off get off don't touch me don't touch me. It wasn't sexual, that wasn't even necessary. One hand at my waist - were it anyone else, would be tender, caressing. The other hand holding mine, stroking the back, please stop please

I was on my knees before him, below him. No one else existed, Maya had faded away and my world had narrowed and I was on my knees before him, begging him please stop please please please stop I can't bear it please stop please

Tears were streaming own my face and I knew he had control over me, complete power, I couldn't make him stop, I couldn't. My hands were out towards him, entreating, begging, on the floor looking up at him, hating my weakness but I just couldn't bear this awful touch and I was frozen, I couldn't escape it was unbearable I needed him to stop. Please, he had to stop, please get off me please

Between sobs, I begged him brokenly, please. He held on until I realised he had complete and utter power over me and then more, just because he could, to prove his power. And let that be a lesson to me. He tutted, wiped a tear off my cheek, stood and took Maya's arm, leaving me broken, shattered in pieces on the floor.

I couldn't help her. I couldn't defend her- I couldn't even defend myself. I have no one, I am no one.

My coffee is cold.