A/N Hello! I was having a bit of a melodramatic existential crisis a bit ago and this was the by product. I swear it gets better towards the middle...


What's the point?

What is the point of putting yourself out there?

Leaving yourself hanging?

And making a fool of yourself after every rejection?

What is the point of reaching out when you know you'll eventually be pushed away?

You should know by now it's inevitable.

It's certainly happened enough to you.

So why can't you take the hint?

Why can't you acknowledge that it'll always be the same?

That no matter what you do or how hard you try, you just can't be good enough.

Because you never were.

Not to your parents.

Not to your sisters.

Not to your friends.

Certainly not to her.

Your so called best friend.

You were most definitely not good enough for her.

Seeing as even though you tried your hardest to be there for her and to be exactly what she wanted, she replaced you.

What did you do wrong?

Did you pass over spending time with her in favor of reading one too many times?

Tune out of her rants too often?

Push her away when she needed you most?

You go back and analyze everything and anything about your relationship, trying to find a reason, some sort of clue, as to why she would find you and your friendship not good enough for her.

You know it was you because it always is.

You've seen the patterns.

Something must be wrong with you because you somehow always find a way to screw up with the people you love best.

That's why you know it's best not to get attached.

Not to cling to the hope that maybe this time you won't make a mess of it.

But to accept the idea that maybe it's not worth it to put your heart on the line anymore because you're sick and tired of having it broken.

Because it's difficult to piece it back together and it's getting harder every time.

And so you can't help but build your walls higher because they protect you.

Or at least you think they do, until someone creeps inside, just to let you down.

And smash your heart into itty bitty pieces.

So instead you feign indifference.

Because, you know what they say, fake it 'til you make it.

But convincing everyone else is the easy part.

It's the convincing yourself that's the hard part.

Because at this point you've been so disappointed and let down that it's impossible to believe that you're as unaffected as you present yourself.

That you don't die a little inside every time.

That you don't have a gaping hole that should be filled with the people who've deserted you.

That you don't care.

Because you do.

You care so much, it hurts.

But the salt in the wound is that they don't care as much as you do.

Because you know in the grand scheme of things, you're not their number one.

And sometimes, not even their number two.

Definitely not their last, but surely not their first.

And that's what you crave.

To be somebody's first, not their second, not their third.

But that person they pick over everyone else.

You want to be able to put your heart out and for them to not only do the same, but also to make sure yours is just as important to them as their own.

But you know that's unrealistic.

Because with over seven billion people on this planet, you have to have realized how nearly impossible that is.

How you'll probably never find that person.

Be it family, friend, or love.

But you could also look at it the other way.

That out of seven billion people, there's got to at least one out there who'll love you.

So with that in mind, you'll put your heart out there again.

And again.

And again and again and again.

Because that same optimism will still be in mind when your heart inevitably is broken the next time.

And maybe if you remember that, it won't hurt as bad.


Thanks for reading:)