Pretend to Chase



I know there's a reason to why I should write this down, truth by painful truth. It has little to do with the longitivtiy of the internet and more to do with my need for it to be documented without the fear of a computer breaking or someone close to me discovering the depths of why it all happened the way it did. This way someday - someday far into the unforeseeable future - I can look back on this and remember this all as fresh as the day it happened, so I can remember why I chose this path - so I can be sure to never make these mistakes again.

Because day by day I feel as though nothing has changed. Today so quickly becomes a blurry yesterday that slipped from my fingers, and worse, tomorrow will just be another today of being too afraid to make something else of myself. I know it isn't until you look back that you notice it. Notice how nothing is the same as it had once been. One month you're basking in the sun, the next you're in the depths of the coldest parts of yourself and you can't for the life of yourself remember how you got there. Life doesn't travel in a straight orderly line from point A to B, it has no regard for the human need for simplicity. Sometimes you end up touring the rest of the alphabet, other times you're landed on a pointless trip from A to various non-existent letters and back around to Z.

Progress can't be guaranteed, change can. Because it has all changed. With every electrical pulse through your brain you become someone new, in a single day the people you hold dear experience themselves in a new light, in a month the world no longer spins in the same place in the universe. Fixture of any type isn't possible, and to expect it is like an adult wishing on the first star of the night. With their wish they can close their eyes and pretend that the rest of the stars aren't there because they don't see them, but it doesn't change the fact that they are, -glittering down on us from unimaginable distances - all caught in their own long life of movement through space and time.

I can close my eyes to this unwanted change, but it doesn't mean that it will stop happening. I can look back with my eyes full of longing for the past and only remember the small flecks of good among the bad, or I can acknowledge that maybe it wasn't all that great for starters. The human memory is perfectly flawed to forget the heartache. That way we won't fear to fall again; but I don't want to fall anymore.

That's why I'm writing this; brutal and true, not afraid to pen down precisely what I see with my individual and imperfect mind. Not a truth missed out.

It's important for the rest of my life. As important as the oxygen in the air that I breathe.

I need to remember that although time and the experiences have passed, what is gone is no better than what is now.

This is my means of moving on.


A/N: I decided it was time to start writing on here again, so here is the introduction for a new story - one that I've had as an idea since writing These Lives I Walk all those years ago. I'm going to take this as it comes, but I do think I already have a fair idea for the structure of this story. I hope you enjoy! Tell me what you think.