Baby Girl -

When I give this letter to you, you will be a beautiful young woman, on the precipice between high school graduation and adulthood. I write this thinking of that bright and beautiful future while you are cradled in my belly, kicking fretfully in your sleep. I want to give you some wisdom I may not be able to communicate, either because I am physically incapable, or because I am too overcome with emotion to do it justice.

I want you to know I loved you long before you were a cell in my body. And so did your father. We wanted you more than anything this world can offer. And that's why we did what we did.

I was not an established woman when you were born. I was married, a young bride of twenty-one and just months away from our second wedding anniversary. I was a college student, working on my last year of my bachelor's degree. And I regret none of it. I was willing to do anything for you, my sweet child.

You are not our first child, though you are our firstborn. A month before we were married, I fell pregnant. It was not an unwanted pregnancy, but it was unexpected. I was living with your maternal grandparents, and I hid my secret. I shared my news with your father and we were convinced that not only did we want this child; we needed to prepare for him or her right away. Your daddy enlightened your Nana and Poppy of the news and they began the search for a suitable place for us all to live after the wedding. They found it, and then disaster hit. I woke up with death. We had nothing to bury, no knowledge of what had happened or why or whether it had been a boy or girl. But we imagined it was a girl and named her Minnie. She is still buried in my heart. I was heartbroken and your father devastated. We hadn't planned for her but we had already made a place for her, in our hearts and in our lives. I was determined to try for a child now. I already knew we could be ready. And your father agreed. He's a gentle man and a loving one, and he is what got me through those ten months of grief and trial. We'd failed ten times, hopes raised the week before only to be crushed with disappointment later. He held me as I wept with abandon all those nights, hating myself and wanting so badly to meet you.

Then, three weeks before our first wedding anniversary, I realized I was two days late for my period. I was hesitant to test. I had been late before, and it had all been negative. I waited three more days to take one of the home test packages we had stocked. There were two left and if we failed, your father would have bought more. I waited the two minutes with bated breath.

Positive.

I was pale with shock and excitement and dread. Shock that it was positive, excitement for a baby, and dread it wouldn't last. But it had happened! I told your father when he got home and he was so excited and happy he nearly suffocated me in a hug. I've only seen him that way a few times.

I saw that same joy and excitement on his face again when the doctor confirmed my pregnancy and we watched you, just barely the size of a blueberry, floating in my womb. You looked a bit like a bean and your Nana called you a little butterbean. We saw you again at just over ten weeks, still a bean but a little bigger. We saw you wriggle with life. But at twenty two weeks we went in for an anatomy scan and there you were. It wasn't a very clear camera but we could definitely see you in all your baby glory. We watched you kick out with defiance, throw punches and stretch. You were a stubborn girl even before birth. You lay on your stomach and no matter how much the tech prodded, you wouldn't move. But then the tech told us you were a girl and your father's face lit up with joy.

I had it rough during my pregnancy with you. When I wasn't overcome with nausea and expelling everything I ate, I had heartburn and acid reflux. I was very tired all the time and craved waffles, strawberries, popcorn (Skinny Pop, I was very particular about the brand) and dairy products. But I loved you, and I couldn't want to meet you. I felt you dancing inside me to music on the radio. You loved rock n' roll and sometimes I would turn the radio on during certain songs because then you'd go to sleep. Some songs made me you want to get up and danced and I did too, I danced with you dancing inside me. I loved you very much. Your father would give me back rubs and put his hands on my belly to feel you move. He was always awed by you.

I wanted the best for you. I was determined to finish college no matter what, but preferably while you were still young. I continued going to classes and I will continue to, right up to delivery. It was a hard decision, but I made the choice to go back to classes within days of my release from the hospital. I did this in order to pass my classes and have them appear on my credits. We won't have much time together at home, and that makes me sad but I want you to understand I'm doing this for you. I want to give you a good life, a happy one, and for me to give you that I need to give myself this chance to finish my education and get a job. Your father works hard and goes to school for that same reason. But I tell myself you won't remember this. My mother graduates from college with a bachelor's degree within weeks of your birth. I'm working to finish my bachelor's degree around your first birthday. Your father is working to finish his bachelor's degree around your second birthday and then continue with graduate school as well as a full-time job. Further schooling is not in my cards, not because I can't afford it, or because of you, but because I couldn't see in any way how it would make my job prospects better. But I promise you, your father and I will try our hardest to give you the life you deserve. We will both have jobs that pay better than they do right now. We'll move out of our apartment and into a forever house, the kind of house you can have your friends over to, and play safely with the dog in the backyard. But most importantly, we will all have each other. We're not starting out wealthy, and you probably won't get all the toys you want or have brand new fancy clothes. We might not be able to pay much for you to go to college so you might do what we did: get a scholarship, go to a school nearby, or join the military as your father and his father, and four generations of my family did. But we will drop millions of kisses and hugs on you. We'll go to the library for books and movies together. You'll have grandparents, two great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and a mother and father all doting on you. And no matter what, whether we're at work, church, school, the gym (as in your father's case), on a weekly lunch date (as in your mother's case), or wherever, it doesn't matter, we will be there when you need us.

We love you so much baby. Never tell yourself you're unloved or worthless or incapable of being loved. Because whatever happens, you know there are two people in your life who will love you forever, unconditionally, have always loved you, long before you were a thought, and long after we die.

We will be frustrated with you, disappointed and upset sometimes, but that doesn't change our love for you. We'll always love you, if not the actions you take or the words you say.

You haven't even been born yet and I know I will be proud of you, daughter of mine. And when I give you this letter you'll be full grown, and I will be prouder still. You will always be mine, and I will always be yours, whatever happens, no matter who you love or what you choose for your life.

Until then with all my love,

Mama