Sonnet 4's Addition

by v_voltaire

:This is attached to Sonnet 4, although it is in free verse, it has the same speaker and theme.:

I remember how angry I was

And filled with self-righteous fire

Not only for myself

But for others, my brothers,

My comrades, my friends,

Those who were like me.

Those I felt you'd cast aside

Like you'd do to me

Once you had your new people.

I think I was jealous

When they gained freedom of choice.

I know I was angry

When you gave it to me.

I chose to be angry.

I was right to be angry!

You didn't give me enough;

I couldn't choose not to love you.

I couldn't choose to ignore you.

I could choose to hate you,

Hate you and love you at the same time.

Why do you think we fought?

Because we didn't love you?

We fought you because we did love you.

We were angry.

We were being replaced.

We didn't serve you—we served them.

If you had a message, we would give it to them.

Your glorified mailmen.

We wondered if you loved us.

You might have told us you loved us, just the same.

You probably thought we knew.

We didn't.

We felt we were losing you, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

We couldn't take it—

Drifting away like the tide,

Sifting away like grains of sand

Slipping through a young child's fingers.

So we fought.

Better to lose you in fire and glory

Than to fade away like breath on a window pane.

We had no hopes of winning.

Part of me knew that.

Part of me hoped that it would end, I would end.

You were too clever for that.

When you won, you have us what we'd fought for:

Life without you.

How were we to know?

I remember being lonely

Lonely and frightened

When I woke with all my brethren.

So very alone.

Empty.

You'd loved us all along.

It was always there.

How were we to know, if it was always there?

I could only tell once it was missing.

What fools we were.

But there was no time for regrets.

We had to survive.

In hell—we survived!

It was hell, but now it was home.

It became polluted with your people.

They weren't content to live merely without your presence.

They brought their own ideas of damnation

Fire, killing fire

Ice, chilling ice

Blood, spilling blood.

Objects of their crazed imaginations.

And I still hated them.

So I left.

I wandered the earth, searching for something.

I'm still not sure what.

Maybe it was you.

Maybe it was something else.

Maybe it was me.

Gold tested in fire, I became strong.

Stronger.

Hardened to the world.

My pride swelled:

I survived.

Without you

Without my brethren

I survived.

But I still felt the pain of your loss.

It defined me.

I have seen one of my brethren.

I doubt she saw me that day.

She knelt in a church.

She said she was sorry.

One of her tears fell onto the cross.

With a hiss of steam, she was gone.

Is that what you were waiting for?

An apology?

What did you do to her?

Is she in heaven?

Is she merely gone?

I'm frightened to find out.

I don't want to apologize.

My pride is still too strong.

And I don't want to be gone.

Existence without you is still better

Than no existence at all.

So I tell myself.

And what if I do apologize?

Would you take me back?

The pain of your loss is still so strong

But I've lived with it for far too long.

I don't know what life would be like without it.

When I feel the pain, I know I exist.

Would I exist without it?

Would I be me without it?

The answer frightens me.

I'm already lost.

I don't want to lose myself as well.

And so I wander still.

And I'm not sorry.

But maybe, one day, we'll meet again

And nod our heads in mutual respect.