21Chapter 3: New Years Eve
Thankfully, my last exam passed uneventfully, and I high-tailed it out of town. I used to love coming home for the holidays; the food, the company, the presents. But now, something had changed. A place unfilled at the dinner table that had to be explained. Presents bought months prior that now had no home. It had been easy to eviscerate him from my life at school. Past mementos already thrown out and the event already related to those who matter. But here, in the land of parents and Christmas lights, it was impossible.
Three weeks of hiding in the house from the most awkward encounter of them all and I had to blow it by coming here. The annual New Years Eve extravaganza, packed to the brim with high school acquaintances pretending moving away from home had changed nothing. That getting drunk with a bunch of people you haven't seen since the last party is the best idea ever.
I look around the crowded house, trying to avoid the pity in their eyes. They know. They all know what he did to me. I should turn around and just go home, it's only a block away. Ring in the New Year with my parents, watching the ball drop as the world reboots. But it's not a complete reboot. That's the problem. The world just keeps spinning and nothing has actually changed. I'm still me; still the girl people look at with pity in their eyes.
So I have to stay and prove that I'm fine. I'm not broken. People break up every day. Not as horribly as we did though.
We were supposed to last forever. We had survived the transition from high school to university. The turkey dump never came, despite the physical distance life had put between us. The full strength of our five years as a unit kept us together well into the second year of university.
We didn't last, and everyone here knows why.
Iris always accuses me of being cagey and withholding. I call it self-preservation. You can't change the past, but you can certainly run from it. I've been running for two months, cutting off concern with flippant statements and a sordid mistake. Being surrounded by people who know about the moment your life changed and refuse to let it be, it's unbearable. Thank god they don't know about Halloween. How damaged and reckless I'd acted.
I'd held it together so well for four whole days. No crying, no moping, just grim acceptance. I'd been fine, just fine. I may have lost the love of my life, but no one had to know. Then I went out to the bar with the girls, forced into a costume of their choosing. Uncomfortable and heart-sore, I turned to whiskey. The first drink helped a little. The second quelled my broken heart. And in that swell of almost contentment, I met Spock-boy. He may not have wanted me anymore, but Spock-boy did.
I cried for three days straight after I woke up that chilly November afternoon.
But now I have to face the pity of those who had faded from full-time friendship long ago and I hate it. The chorus of overly-cheery greetings fall on deaf ears.
"Iris!" I feel a hand clamp down on my shoulder and I mentally count to three before turning around.
"Hey, Louis." I reply flatly, noting that someone had already hit the keg. His balance was clearly off. His respect for personal space: nonexistent. The former linebacker's hulking physique is blocking any chance of a quick exit.
"Hey babe, get over here. It's Iris!" He yells over the music at his girlfriend, Samantha, indicating her to come over with a wave. I groan on the inside. Louis and Samantha are a match made in hell. They love secrets and destroying lives. Apparently, a year and a half at the local community college had not redeemed the evil duo. And I was their new target.
"Iris, honey!" The petite blonde grabs me in a hug and I try not to gag at the scent of her liberally applied perfume. "You look good…considering everything that happened."
"Thanks." I reply, trying to slowly inch away from them. "But I should go catch up with some other people…" I start to say but am startled by Samantha grabbing my wrist and pulling me back.
"I just could not believe it when I heard." She continues, looking up at Louis with a smile.
"And with her of all people. Makes you wonder were else he had been dipping his stick over the years." Louis continues for her, mock concern dripping from his mouth.
"Oh yeah." Samantha replied with a slight pout. "Oh, Iris honey, have you considered getting tested? Who knows what nasty bugs he could have brought home."
"I heard that she at least was nursing some of the clap a year ago." Louis continued. "It would be tragic for someone as…"
"Sweet and innocent."
"Yes dear. Someone as sweet and innocent as yourself to be punished for his mistakes."
"Well, thanks for your concern." I reply with a smile as fake as their own. I wrench my wrist out of their grasp and walk away quickly, not giving them any time for a rebuttal. Not that they'll have one, they did their damage. But it's not the sharp pangs of the past spurring me away. It's the fact that I simply didn't care about what they said.
I don't know how I never noticed. I've spent so long avoiding the subject that I never realized that it didn't matter anymore. But, sometime in the past two months I recovered. They can't hurt me, because I have nothing to prove to them. I am fine. I have nothing to prove to anyone here. I don't need to be here.
I sidle along the edge of the masses, making my way towards the exit. I never even took my coat off. I look around casually, evaluating the group near the door, waiting for my moment. When all their eyes are averted, I make my escape. I don't run because running calls attention. I walk with purpose straight out that door, and I know that I'm never going to return. I have nothing to prove to these people anymore. He had been my tie to them and now I'm free.
I look back at the house with a smile. The brisk night envelops me as I step out onto the sidewalk. I begin to make my way towards home, but my progress is abruptly halted by a body in my path.
It's him.
We stop and stare at each other, frozen for a couple minutes. Unsure if words should be spoken. His hair has gotten longer, a moustache overtakes his face. His shoulders are slumped as if the weight of the world has recently settled upon him. I'm sure there's something different about me, too. We knew each other too well for the differences to not stand out.
"Going home?" He asks. I nod.
"They were always your friends." I reply quietly, not saying anymore. I had always been his. We hung out with his friends. We went where he wanted. I had given him everything, and he gave me nothing but a broken-heart. It had never been a two-way street. It's funny how long it takes you to figure that out.
"I'll walk you…" He began to offer before I cut him off with a shake of the head.
"No, you won't." I assert. "That's not your job anymore."
"And whose job is it now?" He asks icily, taking my refusal as an admittance of someone new.
"Mine." My voice is strong and clear. His eyes soften, but my heart doesn't back flip like it used to.
"It doesn't have to be." He says softly, reaching out for me. I back away just as quickly, maintaining the three feet between us.
"Yes, it does."
"Ris…" He sighs, puppy dog eyes at work. His wiry frame is tense in deference to my defensive posture.
"Alex, we were broken for a long time. I just refused to see it." I make sure to enunciate every word, trying to cut away his softness. End the conversation now before the memories resurfaced.
"I'm so sorry, about your birthday. It wasn't how it was supposed to go." I glare at him. His false sincerity grates against my nerves.
"Besides fucking Jennifer Dupris in my bed while I was off writing my midterm?" I ask coldly.
"She was just supposed to drop off the ring, but then I got nervous and panicked."
"And she was ever so willing." I seethe. I remember the sparkling diamond, sitting on the landing waiting for me. I held it so dearly, walking towards my room to find him, to say yes to a lifetime of him. Instead, I found them. Their naked bodies intertwined on my bed, moans echoing through my heart-broken ears. I had thrown that ring right at their heads. Happy nineteenth birthday to me.
"I'm sorry." He repeated.
"What's done is done." I say with finality. And for once, I believe it. I continue dryly, "Can't say we didn't end with a bang."
"But I still miss us." He says forcefully, eyebrows furrowed in frustration, and yet I feel nothing. Not a tingle or a skipped heart beat. Even the comfortable warmth I used to feel in his presence is gone. I can't help it, I laugh. I'm done playing his games.
"Goodbye, Alex." I say, walking around his frowning presence. I had finally grown a backbone, and I was going to use it, damn it. I don't look back. I just keep walking away from him and the pain he caused.
I'm not broken, not anymore.
A/N: Thanks go out to all the new followers that stuck with this past chapter two! And thanks go out to the giant snowstorm for making me stay home today and finish this instalment.
Truth time: Originally this entire chapter was a just a few sentences in what is the new chapter four. But I came to the conclusion that Iris' journey really required this moment of emotional clarity for the rest of the story to really fall into place. So, I hope you guys agree!
-Sleepless but not in Seattle