I was driving around Downtown El Paso the other day looking for a parking space and had no change to feed those insatiable parking meters. More than that, I feel when you want to spend your money you should be welcomed, not charged. I understand the city needs revenue, but think of all those customers driving through Downtown on their way to The Outlet Mall. Do you know why those people drive that far out of their way to spend their cash? Free parking. They'd rather lose half an hour of their lives than pay 25 cents for 20 minutes.

Just the other day I took my family to see the newly renovated Mills Building. It was beautiful. At least we think it was from the quick glance we got as we drove past on our way to The Outlet Mall. Afterward, we had a nice lunch at The Great American Land & Cattle Company further down I-10. Their Top Sirloin cost $8.99, but their parking was free.

My suggestion is this: Eveybody's broke. Now's the time to legalize, regulate, and tax marijuana and prostitution. I don't cheat or do drugs, so let's make a profit from those who do. I know, I know. They say that with dope and hookers comes organized crime. Do you know what I say about organized crime? Vote them out of office!

With prostitution legalized Downtown will be the place to shop, dine, and procreate. I suggest we create a Red Light District by the Free Clinic. As for the marijuana, we can also create a district much like the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco in the late 60's. I'll even volunteer to be the city's first Love Czar or Secretary of Smoke.

Maybe then we'll get some free parking.

And, while I'm at it, I have a few additional ideas concerning Downtown El Paso. Surrounding San Jacinto Plaza we should have the following:

1) A museum of horror. It could be run by my ex-wives.

2) An optical illusion museum. I'll even generously donate all of my ex-wedding pictures. If you stand one way you'll see beautiful brides. If you stand another they turn into La Llorona.

3) A museum of natural and supernatural oddities. Did I mention the availability of my ex-wives?

4) Around the placita we build mini-sculptures of national monuments, much like the one's they have in Legoland of southern California. If they can build their mini-monuments entirely from Legos, how hard can it be to slap together some cardboard and spit and make our own? And...

5) How about we let those food trucks that keep getting kicked out of other parts of the city make it their home, just like they do in Austin? I've never eaten food from a restaurant that can escape, but I'd go Downtown to give it a try. I'll eat anything. Or so my ex-wives say.

And how do we pay for all this? Hey, that's your problem. Me? I'm just the idea guy. Now, if you'll excuse me...

I'm on my way to spend my money at The Outlet Mall.

El Paso! It's On Your Way To Somewhere Else!