"I sat there, and I stared at my phone, waiting for a text message that would never come . I opened Facebook on the computer in front of me to look at his timeline. Three weeks later, finally, people were slowing down on the 'Rest In Peace' posts on Sebastian's timeline. He had died in a car crash- the other driver was texting while driving- and no one was going to be the same without him. We all were teary messes at his funeral, and I was the worst of all. Sebastian and I were closer than anyone could ever understand. I hadn't admitted it until he was in the hospital after the wreck, but I loved him. We kissed while he was stuck in that hospital bed, and it was my first kiss. For both of us, it was also going to be our last. Because I didn't see how I could love anyone else. I looked through his old photos, and I saw some happy memories- his t-shirts coming in, me and him doing his character's signature thumbs down side by side outside the wrestling arena, then the pictures of him completely in character during the shows, another picture of the two of us, this time holding the wrestling company's tag team championship belts but still doing the thumbs down (I was also wearing geek glasses like his). There were not so happy memories, too. Pictures of his dog that had died on New Year's Eve, the black and white picture of him and a group of friends at a bonfire. The bonfire was sad because one of those friends had moved to Florida, never to be seen again, and one was his exgirlfriend that had always been an absolute bitch to him. Still, it was a memory. Every memory was significant if it involved someone you loved.
I stared at his newest profile picture. It was one of him in character, and the first time I saw it I was confused. It didn't look like him. Though, soon I realized what made it different. They had caught him mid-laugh. I've always loved the guy who was behind the camera because of that one picture- Sebastian, all dressed up officially in a blue dress shirt and a black neck tie, laughing like a maniac. I'd never get to hear that laugh again. But this picture could hold that memory for me. Finally I closed the picture and moved on. I glanced through everything written on his timeline, looking for the last post he had actually made. It was pretty far back, but I finally found it. It said:
The doctor says tonight might be the night. So I wanted to say goodbye to someone very special to me. Gabriella, I want to thank you. You've reminded me that, no matter what, everyone eventually has to die. But it's not how long you live that matters- it's the imprint you leave after you're gone. I hope I've left a good mark on the world, and I'm going to miss you all. Thanks for making my life matter. I love you Gabby. Promise me you won't stop living, okay?
I felt my eyes begin to sting. Both my dad and my mom were out, so I allowed the tears to fall freely. I had promised him that I wouldn't stop living. I had to move on eventually. But now was not that time. Not now, when I felt so weak and vunerable without him to talk to. Sebastian was gone. Dead and forever out of my reach. It struck me hard and made the tears fall even faster. I could almost hear him telling me how silly I was being, and how much he couldn't wait to see me again. I knew Sebastian would want me to stop mourning for him, but damn it all, I was hurt and I was going to mourn! I couldn't help but think, what if I had driven him home like I was supposed to? What if I had made him wait and let me drive him home instead of letting him leave and catching a ride from a friend of mine later? If I had done that, maybe he'd still be alive. Maybe I'd still have my best friend. Maybe I would'nt have lost a piece of my soul because of his death. Maybe... maybe things would still be okay.
I knew no one was updating his Facebook, and no one ever logged onto it, but I opened the chat box with his name. I looked back through the past year of my life talking to him, and I started to feel awful. I really missed him too much. I got to our last conversation and I forced myself to read it for the hundredth time, looking for something. I didn't know what I was looking for, maybe reassurance that he was fine in heaven, maybe another reason to cry over him. Teenagers don't have to make sense, after all. It's not our job- and when we mourn.. We get hit hard. The last thing he ever said to me was that he would always be there, even if he was-damnit...
Staring at the computer screen, tears began to fill my eyes again. I felt awful. Why did God feel the need to rip the good things out of my life? What did I ever do to make him hate me? I heard the front door of the house open, but I couldn't hold the stream of tears in. My dad came into the room, half drunk, and barely gave me a second glance. It wasn't a suprise, either. Both my dad and Sebastian were close, and Dad didn't know how to cope with it. I couldn't help but resent it, even if I wasn't much better. I heard Mom yell at Dad, I saw her run to me, I didn't care. She told me how she had set up an appointment with my therapist for Tuesday. How we were all going to go see a movie the next day, and then the two of us were going to get our nails done. "Doesn't that sound fun?" She smiled, but I knew she was forcing it. She couldn't make me responsive if she tried. "Gabby... This is hitting everyone hard. You can't shut yourself down. Don't you want to get out of the house more often?" She didn't understand, not one bit.
I wanted to scream at her. "Can't you see I want to be alone? Sebastian... He's dead. I loved him! Let me mourn alone! I hate you!" But I couldn't say anything. I was speechless. He's dead. He's dead. Sebastian died. I felt so sad and confused and angry and lost... Sebastian... I didn't know how I could live with knowing it. Pretending wasn't an option either. If I left the house, I had to face the world knowing Sebastian was dead. Instead of that, I cried even more. I hid from them all. I didn't want to see the world again. Everything seemed darker without Sebastian- the days of pink skies and beautiful flowers and butterflies and everything I loved most about life were all gone, spent with every second I had been near him, fading even darker when I thought of the way the colors used to look. Especially pink. A long time ago, once upon a time, I had hated pink with passion because it was too girly. But..
One day I asked Sebastian why he was almost always wearing something pink. I guess he hadn't been asked this before, because he was floored. And soon, I understood the color. The reason Sebastian wore pink was in honor of his mother. His mom, who had survived breast cancer not once, but twice. I respected it. The color even grew on me a little. But now, every pink hurt too much. I don't know why the color pink had faded so much... My subconscious, my therapist would say, blocked out the things that reminded too much of him. He once said that my brain didn't want to feel anything, and I had to correct him. All I wanted to feel was Sebastian's hand in mine again, to feel his lips against mine one more time. I also asked him why he became a teen and young adult therapist when every one of us were screwed up. Speechless, he sat there for a good ten minutes staring at me. Then he asked the worst thing possible, the stupidest question I ever heard. He asked, "Why do you spend so much time upset over Sebastian when he accepted his death so easily? He asked you not to stop living, Gabby. It was his dying wish. So , why?"
I left his office crying, screaming, and wailing. I wasn't ready.
Now, everyone was trying to make me feel better when I just wanted to be alone. Without Sebastian, I had no one. I was trying to keep the sympathy away, because I didn't want people telling me "I know how you feel" when they didn't have a clue. I miss Sebastian. My mother caught me the other night with a knife in hand. I had... I had started cutting on my leg where no one would see. My mom started crying, and she told my dad. He was drunk. And he came into my room, and he beat me for doing something so stupid. Yes, Dad, because it makes sense to beat a girl hurting herself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Brilliant.
Every night, I've went to bed hoping never to wake up, because then I would be reunited with Sebastian. I could see my truest love again. Of course, that's on the slight chance I go to Heaven instead of Hell. I don't know how I'm goingto survive without him. I don't know how much longer I can take knowing Sebastian Iis dead. I just feel so awful, so gray, so black and blue-
Yes, blue. That was his favorite color, wasn't it? Another thing faded to gray. Without Sebastian, they've all faded. I might as well be ... Sebastian. .. why did you leave me? Don't worry, my love... I won't be much longer. Remember what you said? You said, you told me on that last night, that it wouldn't be Heaven without me... I'll be there Sebastian-"
Mrs. Carson pulled the notebook from her husband's hands. "Don't torture yourself like this, Theo. It's not your fault." Margret Carson was dressed all in black, just like Theo Carson and everyone else that had attended the funeral. Mr. Carson was shaking with horror as his wife settled him into a chair in their home. "She was a strong girl, to fight it this long. Don't torture yourself." The man looked closer to tears than he had ever been, and it was obvious he had cried at some point already, what with the red, puffy eyes and how he was sniffing so.
"That was the last page anyway..." He whispered. " She did it right then, Margret. Blood is on the page, Margret. She didn't even think twice, did she? What could I have done?" A single tear escaped Theo's right eye, falling onto his wife's arm as she reached for his shoulder to comfort him. "I should've been there for her like you were, Margret!"
"Shhhh... Theo... She hated the way I treated her. I shouldn't have clung to her so much." Mrs. Carson sounded fragile, like a glass vase barely sitting on the table, ready to fall and shatter at the slightest bump. Her hair was dark,deep red, and Iit was a mess. Her green eyes, too, were puffy and red. She knows Gabby was strong. She knows her daughter tried as much as she could not to do it, but it still hurt to know her daughter was dead. She was worried now that her husband would drink himself into a coma, or die of the foul alcohol. She didn't know what came next. People said they were sorry for her loss, but they had no reason to be sorry. Margret believed it was her fault that her daughter was dead.
"It's true though! I did that! I beat our daughter when what she needed was a strong family support. I don't deserve to be a father. And now... now I'm not." Mr. Carson believed it to be his own fault his daughter was dead, though he wasn't hiding his shame. "I'm the one who came home drunk... trying to cope with Sebastian's death when our daughter must've been having an even worse time dealing with it! What kind of father am I?" Theo finally snapped, tears falling freely like a waterfall, holding his wife's hand with a death grip, and she didn't mind it at all. He was hit harder by this than her at first glance, but that one thing made the mother know she was needed, and that gave her the strength to help her husband. "I'd understand, Margret, if you wanted to get a divorce...I'll sign the paperwork tomorrow if that's what you want."
"A divorce?!" Margret almost screamed. "Why would I want a divorce?! You didn't kill Gabby, Theo. Don't try to convince yourself-"
The couple was cut off by a knock at the door. When MR. Carson opened his door, he saw none other than Sebastian's parents. They were invited inside quickly, and the four poor, lost people began to share stories of their children, as if death had not claimed the two biggest influences on their lives so recently. It felt good to remember. Though, none of them ever saw things as bright as they once were. The colors might've been fading, but... they still had memories of what was. They didn't ever dare think of what could've been- it hurt too much for them all to think of endless possibilities for the two young adults that never got to find out the future themselves.