see: 11:56am, another cloudy march morning, 2014

it's fitting i think.

the rain today, when you can feel your heart
falling in sync with the drops, echoes of silence filling
the car where words should be placed.

we're halfway to the hospital and i can't shake the feeling
that this is a dream & i know it's reality,
but it feels like a nightmare & i just want to
wake up wake up wake up.

the dread is unbearable , tempting me to somehow
feel alive amidst the numbness clinging to my bones;
trepidation lingering like unwanted anxiety

i don't want to walk into the room and see
your ghost staring back; i'm to blame for this.
'cause god – i knew i knew
& i didn't say a word.

it makes me sick of myself, the damage unspoken
words have caused: god why didn't i say anything?
silence used to be safe,
nowadays it's like razors are planted in my throat
& won't stop scratching until i speak.
the sprinkle of rain as i get out of the car will never
wash away my mistakes; i am unclean.

1:55pm

it's still raining,
i don't know what to think,
post-visit, still numb in the same half state of shock.

i'm sorry B,
you were swallowed in the sea of a bed,
at least the walls were painted yellow, but the room was -
void. of emotion & life,
empty empty empty
just like you were trying to be.

my legs shook as i walked in & away from the room,
i swore i was going to fall to the floor because it's my fault
& the guilt eats away as your mom and our grandmother
converse about how this could've been solved in november.

try july; but i kept my lips locked.