Happy Birthday

You are one day closer to death.

If you were born on this date, you can look forward to a long life full of happiness and prosperity.

Just as long as you don't listen to those voices in your head telling you to kill.

Also Born On This Date:

Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Jodi Arias, Ariel Castro, al-Qaida

Aries

(March 21-April 19)

What's that mole on your skin?

Hmmm… it looks like cancer.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

When you go to sleep at night, be sure to close your closet door all the way.

That's how the clown gets in.

Gemini

(May 21-June 20)

What's sharper? A straight razor or a surgeon's scalpel?

Don't know?

Don't worry about it… you're about to find out.

Cancer

(June 21-July22)

Isn't it ironic that your astrological sign is also cancerous?

Leo

(July 23-August 22)

Are you the kind of person who thinks it would be fun to have your throat sliced open with a dull blade of some kind?

No?

Then you're not going to like your fortune for today.

Virgo

(August 23-September 22)

That's an official-looking letter you've got there. Hmm, it looks like it's from the IRS.

Libra

(September 23-October 22)

Do you ever suddenly wake up in the middle of the night for no reason with the feeling that someone is watching you?

That's because somebody is.

Clowns.

Scorpio

(October 23-November 21)

Oh, my, you should have used protection.

I don't want to tell you what your one-night stand had, but it rhymes with "maids."

Sagittarius

(November 22-December 21)

The good news is: your child doesn't have behavioral problems.

The bad news is… you'd better call an exorcist.

Capricorn

(December 22-January 19)

There's a tiny bug that likes to climb into the ear canal of humans while they sleep. It then spends the rest of its short life eating away at the unfortunate victim's brain tissue, causing that person excruciating pain. Eventually, they do stop…

…to lay eggs.

Aquarius

(January 20-February 18)

There's no such thing as zombies.

That guy's probably just a drunk.

Pisces

(February 19-March 20)

Wasn't your daughter supposed to be home by now? I'm sure she's okay.

Hey, are those sirens I hear?

Thought For The Day:

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.

There was a knock at the door.