Title: Age of Fear II: The Story Continues Category: Fiction » General Author: BroodingOne Language: English, Rating: Rated: M Genre: Drama/Tragedy

Published: 04-28-14, Updated: 06-02-14 Chapters: 4, Words: 5,376

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Age of Fear II: The Story Continues A lot had happened since that unresolved incident...

She thought she could get away but she was wrong, the past always caught up with her in the end and there was no escape.

She had moved into her apartment only to find that the neighbors were just as bad as the roommate she tried to escape from. They woke her up at 2AM with their loud noises of sex, or rather the sound of a headboard banging against the wall (no moans or sounds of enjoyment, or any conversation either). She complained to the manager, after which those neighbors sent her a passive-aggressive letter that did nothing to resolve the situation.

Later, 5 men had broken into the apartment behind her (she found out later). At 3AM, she heard them through the thin walls of the kitchen as they were being loud and laughing (mostly likely drunk or on drugs). She went to the kitchen, turned on the kitchen fan to drown them out and to give them a 'hint' that they were being loud but when she turned it off, she heard one of them say, "Bitch, let's use a coat hanger-see if that works." Other disturbing sounds came in that apartment after, sounds of a woman crying from the bedroom and more raucous shouting from the men.

She wondered if a woman was being raped in that room. It was possible because shortly after that incident, a mentally-disabled woman who had come to her door once, was seen moving out-rather suddenly and without explanation.

She also heard one of the men say, "I'm 'gonna make her suck my cock!" At this point she alerted the manager, who said the occupants, a man and woman, were out of town.

She had taken a picture of a vehicle she believed belonged to those violent men and had shown it to the manager, who then alerted the police. The police never showed up.

She left the apartment to stay with someone she knew only as an acquaintance.

When she came back, the neighbors she originally had trouble with, became worse. After another disturbing episode of noise (now with new noisy neighbors in back, where the men had broken into), she broke down and screamed.

Then she called the police. "They won't stop banging on the wall! I need to get out of here-this place isn't safe for me!"

The stupid dispatcher then said, "What makes you think they're banging on the wall?" in a disdainful and snide voice.

"Because I can FUCKING HEAR THEM BANGING ON THE WALL!" she screamed to the stupid dispatcher and then hung up on the bitch.

She tried to pack her things (she had moved her bed to the living room to get away from the neighbors before the other neighbors started to make noise), not quite knowing where to go...

Then a knock came at the door and she grabbed a knife, expecting the neighbors who were harassing her. It was a cop. She put the knife down and answered the door, explaining to the cop what happened.

"I didn't see anyone banging on your door outside." He answered stupidly. "NO! The neighbors next door are banging on my wall from inside!" She had to reiterate to the stupid idiot. "Are you on any medications? Have you been diagnosed with anything?" He asked her then.

That was the last straw, and she answered him calmly this time, "No, I am not on any medications and I've never been diagnosed with anything. I am not insane. I shouldn't have to call the police but I wanted to get out of here safely without any confrontation with the neighbors who've been harassing me this entire time. You can check with the manager, I wrote a letter of complaint about it."

"Well, let's get you out of here then," the stupid cop said, obviously bored. After this incident, she never bothered to call the police again, she knew they wouldn't help her.

She spent many nights at a friend's house until she found another place to live (after giving the manager 30 days notice).

Finally, she moved into the new place (with her friend's help), this time with an older female roommate who worked full-time and had two cats and grandchildren who visited often. The roommate also rented the house but she felt like an intruder anyway, having only one bedroom (originally a converted garage) and bath to herself.

She had to put the rest of her possessions in storage and now had three storages to pay for (that her grandparents paid for).

This was in February. A lot had happened since...

She quit her two jobs, quit school and wasn't working beside the retail store which wasn't a paying job. It was really just something to keep her busy and occupied but there were times when she didn't even want to be there. Something was clearly wrong.

She felt worthless and spent money freely, not wanting to worry about the day to day problems which plagued her.

She had talked to her grandmother again-and now was the only Trustee, after the family aunt started arguing about money and fought with her grandmother, the Trust was amended-leaving the entire burden to her as usual, with no one to help her.

She thought things would get better but she was wrong. She tried to distract herself with various interests and projects but there was always that nagging sense of futility.

For a while things would be great and she even enjoyed life with its fleeting epiphanies of joy and insight, but then the darkness came and clouded everything. One bad day would ruin all, and it was this that disturbed her most.

One day, she had a sense that she was trapped in another Déjà vu nightmare-yet nothing had happened to bring this on.

She felt suicidal... extreme paranoia for no reason. What was wrong with her? She had these terrible thoughts, a certainty that that something bad was going to happen to her- but why? Then she figured it out, it was because she was alone.

The roommate worked until late at night and now, the roommate spent the nights at some man's house. This left a feeling of emptiness and even with the cats (who always got into trouble, breaking a collectible) there was a terrible feeling of loneliness.

Being alone was dangerous for her, because in that loneliness she was left alone with her thoughts which circled endlessly in her mind, bringing discord and depression.

She tried to distract herself with people, even had a guy she hunt out with whom she met on an internet dating site-but in the end he proved to be fickle and unreliable (they all were). There was no one she could really talk to and at her hour of need, there was no one she could call.

She had no friends really, everyone else had their own problems and the people she turned to were faulty and frail with their own weaknesses-better to have no friends at all than people like that.

She shouldn't have to feel this way, there was no real reason why she suffered-she even had a book of her own coming out...

Yet it was all a set-up for failure. Something would happen to ruin it all. Ever error she found in her book was another delay and a setback, so that she felt like giving up altogether (never mind trying to publish the book if she couldn't even get it right).

She lost hope in everyday things when the distractions that were supposed to take her away from these bad thoughts proved to be useless.

As a favor to the roommate (and to keep herself busy and useful) she mowed the lawn one day, trying out the old manual mower she bought at a yard sale. She was proud that she wasn't using gas (the smell made her choke) but bad thoughts and the hard-to-use mower made it worse.

She heard neighbors talking and imagined them talking about her: "Look at that stupid woman, what' she tryin' to do?" She imagined herself explaining to them why she was using an old-fashioned mower but soon

found herself upset and fearful of a real confrontation.

Then she finished the lawn-it was cut too short. She had scalped it.

She couldn't stand anymore.

She watered the lawn, desperately trying to make it grow back to green before her roommate came back to see it all dead.

"Why'd you cut it so short?" she'd exclaim. But it was too late now.

The roommate came back and saw the yard. "Oh, it looks great!" she said before she went inside.

All that worry for nothing.

But that didn't explain why she was having these thoughts. Foul demons within her that mocked her at every turn. Why was this happening?

She knew the answer. But this only made it worse.

There was no one she could talk to, so she wrote it in her journal. On Easter Sunday, the worst time of the year besides Christmas and Valentine's Day, when she felt alone and suicidal she wrote this:

I feel like cutting myself, slitting my throat to make an end of my life because I know I am totally alone and there is no one there for me in my time of need. On this Easter Sunday, I still feel alone and very depressed. I don't want to do anything anymore and I feel overwhelmed with all I have to do in my daily life and in the future.

I'm tired of being alone yet I know there is no alternative. Suppose these thoughts were a sign of mental illness? What would become of her? No one would believe

anything she said anymore-or even what had happened to her before. Dear God, what if her entire being was erased because everyone around her would just say she was "mentally

ill"! and ignore her completely. "Oh she just needs to take her pills-don't pay attention to anything she says.." (or writes). They would destroy her writings, or use them against her... "She needs to be locked up and THIS is proof!" Now what? There was no one she could turn to. Death really was the only option for her. No escape, no way out but death. I don't want to live anymore... I can't stand it anymore.

I want to kill myself. I hate Easter, I always have. I hate my life. The only consolation being that I have only to take a knife across my throat to end it.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

She found it harder to think.

On some days it felt like she was getting Alzheimers and she could barely process the thoughts, let alone talk or write anything.

Reality was slipping away from her and she found she didn't care. She stopped paying attention to the outside world with its useless trivia-she had no TV, didn't read the newspaper or listen to the radio. Her only concern was herself but even this was too much to handle.

She tried to get her book out but really didn't know what she was doing and had to rely on others, after she paid them money.

It was always money-money, money, money, money, money, money makes the world go around. But how do you make it? She didn't know how.

She tried to sell her books online but the process was too complicated: emails, accounts, forms, endless legal jargon that didn't protect her, setting up finances, bank accounts, linked accounts, software installation, "You need the correct software: Please install $500 worth of software before you can begin", and it was never enough because she couldn't find help...

She lost track of all the emails and passwords, the endless invasion of Big Brother into the system, linked accounts: "PLEASE ENTER YOUR INFORMATION!" What information? She already forgot it all, lost in the endless clicks and tabs of a browser that needed updating, which needs this software, "PLEASE INSTALL AND UPDATE YOUR SOFTWARE!" What software? What on earth was she using? Mac version: X039949494.49484728282848 LION, MONKEY, BIRD, SNAIL, RABBIT, FOX, ABDJDJEHIFFFJH... "YOUR ACCOUNT INFORMATION IS NOT CORRECT!" Why isn't it correct? What happened to the account she just set up seconds ago? What did she do with that password again? She should have written it down... where was that piece of paper she had? OH MY GOD THIS IS TOO MUCH!

And everyday would be just like this.

How was she supposed to function? She always relied on her grandparents money and house-and now she didn't have the security she used to have. She had to live with strangers, paying rent and bills with money that belong to her grandparents (to her grandfather's income-her grandmother couldn't live off of social security and had no additional income).

Now she knew she couldn't. She was beyond help. Her mental capacities had failed her and she struggled just to keep afloat of daily life...

She had no schedule really.

Monday: 8AM-10AM Get up, cook breakfast (which she rarely did because she didn't like being alone with the cats clawing at the door and meowing all the time), go out to a cafe, check emails, write. 12-1PM Go home. Have something to eat. Maybe do some yard work. 2PM-3PM Shower. 3:30PM Listen to music. 5PM Eat dinner. 6PM Listen to music, go on the internet, maybe write if she felt like it. 8PM Be bored. Try to contact friends...They're all busy. 8:30PM Listen to music. 10PM Go online again, try to 'connect' with people...everyone is busy/doesn't care. 11PM Go to sleep.

Tuesday: 8AM-10AM Get up, cook breakfast (which she rarely did because she didn't like being alone with the cats clawing at the door and meowing all the time), go out to a cafe, check emails, write. 11AM Work (Volunteer) at retail store. 3-4PM Go Home. Eat something. 5PM Listen to music, go online, try to 'connect' with people...everyone is busy/doesn't care. 6PM Listen to music... 11PM Go to sleep.

There would be little difference in this schedule and it was hardly worth living for.

Everyone had their own life except for her.

There was nothing to fill the time or ground her to the lie of reality.

She tried to do some freelance work but found herself overwhelmed when it came to the process of money, contracts, deadlines, expectations, etc.

She was like a child all over again, she needed someone to take care of her, yet knew there was no one who could help her. Her own family didn't speak to her, nor she to them. On Easter Sunday, she didn't even receive an email from her father, the mass-mailing to all family members she didn't know, that he usually sent. Only her grandmother sent something in the mail, some chocolate eggs.

She didn't feel like seeing her grandmother though... it was too much stress.

One day, one of the rare times she got outside and went to the Farmer's Market, she received a disturbing phone call from her grandmother...

"Please come down... it's your grandfather..."

She quickly dialed the number and talked to her grandmother, who had sent the message days before (she never checked her phone) and everything was fine now. But it was a bad wake-up call to the fact that she hadn't checked her phone-didn't want to-and she hadn't been there for her grandmother in her time of need. If her grandfather had been in trouble, she wouldn't have been there in time. Not to mention the fact that her grandmother couldn't handle anything by herself...

How she was supposed to handle all of this? The rest of the family abandoned her and left her to deal with everything on her own.

She had no help. She alienated herself among everyone because they never bothered to talk to her, so why should she talk to them? She felt like it was a huge effort to reach out to someone-She had to take the first step, She had to call them, no one ever made any effort for her. She gave up trying.

All she could do now was write down how she felt, make herself an object in the third person, never knowing if anyone actually read any of the words she wrote. Why should they care? Nobody cared about her, they were all busy with their own problems...

Each day she tried to justify why she should live, why she shouldn't kill herself but it was getting harder and harder to convince herself just to get up in the mornings. If she wasn't capable of taking care of herself, what

else was there?

She imagined herself turning deaf, blind and dumb-no longer able to participate in everyday society anymore. If she couldn't think anymore, what point was there?

When she stopped writing, it would be the end. She would be dead.

Chapter 3: A Resolution to End it All

Age of Fear II: The Story Continues Chapter 3 A Resolution to End it All (Is there a Witness?) Today, her roommate was moving out and she had to leave or else a horrible confrontation would follow.

Emerald's internet had been shut off by the roommate, who even though had signed a contract saying she would pay half the utilities-nonetheless threatened to cancel unless it was put in her name. Emerald had no choice but to switch the PG&E into her name, while the Comcast internet was shut off...

The exact text sent to Emerald is as follows: May 28 Emerald: The utilities should be 50/50 and when you find someone, I'll talk about it with them.

Roommate: I am not living there so I do not use any electricity and I changed the cable to just be the internet and I so not feel that I need to pay for either of those things if you were not there I would already had the place rented out by now

May 29 Roommate: As for the Internet I will be canceling in by the first unless you want to put it in your name We also need to change the pg&e into your name by the 1st

...

By then it was too late. The roommate had already gone ahead and done it. She had no choice in the matter, even after talking to the property manager about it and who had agreed the contract would be valid until someone else rented the place.

So now she had to resort to a cafe to use the internet and communicate with the very few people she talked to.

This whole thing had been going on a month as the stupid woman roommate decided to move in with a creep who had been bossing her around when he first stepped in the door.

Emerald had been under too much stress and the situation wasn't improving. Things were not getting better- they were getting worse.

To make matters worse, the stupid woman roommate was setting her up for disaster with bad roommates who didn't care who they roomed with-making her live with bad people she had not agreed to.

How did her life change so badly? It wasn't her fault, she had done nothing wrong and had even helped the roommate who was treating her like shit now.

The roommate and the stupid creep of a man were harassing her-forcing her to move out. Coming in at late hours of the night, past 10PM and ordering her around by text.

She wasn't going to play their stupid game. She didn't have to. She paid her rent and switched PG&E and it was no longer her problem.

But this was the sort of thing that continued to happen and would happen to her in the future... So, she made a decision:

I've tried to play by the rules but the rules have failed me and I have lost the game.

All my life people have shit on me, and I was supposed to take their shit and not complain (that's what I've been trained to do)-but not anymore.

I have made my decision now and it relieves me because I won't have to worry about the future anymore.

When my grandparents die and I have paid off my life-long debt to them (and finish the goddamn Trustee responsibility)-

I will kill myself.

No more worrying about money -or jobs -or family -or duty I'll be dead. Until then, I don't care. Each day may as well be my last, because that's the way I'm going to live and everyone else can go to hell. My life is half-over already. I don't care anymore.

Everything that had happened to her, mostly happened because she was not allowed to speak out about it. She didn't want a confrontation, and so it allowed people to walk all over her and shit on her and she could do nothing about it.

Well, not anymore... This time would be different.

She didn't have to take their shit anymore.

All that she had suffered as a child, she would now tell and her story would be known to those who cared to read it. Should anyone want to read and know why she made her decision, they would find the truth here.

She had to write the truth before her life was erased by the lies of others.

And so she decided to dedicate her remaining life to telling all the bad things that happened-all the things she was helpless to stop, every last detail-before she killed herself.

It was only a matter of time now. She would wait.

But it was a tremendous relief! Now she had a plan! For now she had some money, she would spend it, do her duty to her grandparents and then finish. Her life would end and she would live it the way she wanted to.

It's not the end now...

not yet.

Here she was again, in a cafe, in the early hours of the morning-stuck trying to get away from the stressful situation plaguing her so that she couldn't sleep.

Would she always be doing this? It seemed she would never escape and she always found herself trapped with no way out. Always, the same story... Everyone wanted her to leave (to die), just to get her out of the way.

The roommate was harassing her to the point that it was making her ill (again) and she felt so stressed that she wanted to get away (again) and there was no one she could go to (again) and no one would take her side (again) while she was left with the problems (again) and soon felt like she wanted to kill them all (again) or kill herself...

What was surprising to her was that no one cared.

Her roommate clearly had no compunction about leaving her with this horrible situation, not even giving 30 days notice to move out (to move in with that creep of a man), kept changing her mind about finding a roommate then deciding she didn't want to deal with the lease after all. Then, to make matters worse, the man was getting involved... telling the stupid woman what to do.

This was supposed to be the last day, for her to move things out. Emerald stayed out of the house to avoid a confrontation.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4 Hell is Repetition (again)

Age of Fear II: Hell is Repetition (again) Ch. 4

She came home to find a garbage bill on the counter, from May (a month late), with a letter from the property manager saying they both had to pay it while Emerald never received a garbage bill in February, or March or April, or May...

It was just another tactic to harass her.

But she wasn't going to take it anymore.

She knew she didn't have to. Not anymore.

The problem was, how much would the situation escalate until something bad happened? Where they shoved her into a corner and forced her to defend herself?

This always happened, and it would always happen again (until she killed herself). It was deja vu all over again... FIVE YEARS OLD Her mother was pissed and was holding up the (brush/belt/wooden spoon/etc.)... "But it's not my fault!" she cried and cried but it was no use-

the weapon came down upon her, over and over again...

She was at school, she was hungry but they wouldn't feed her.

"I'm hungry!" she cried but the teacher wouldn't listen as they children worked on their gingerbread houses, they didn't care that her mother starved her and that the only time she could eat was at school-but not today, today they didn't care.

She ate the gingerbread house. She got in trouble.

She threw a fit, they tried to put their hands on her but she fought them off, then slobbered and snotted all over herself so they wouldn't put their hands on her.

They called the police. Then they called her mother. She got in trouble again... Her mother was pissed and was holding up the (brush/belt/wooden spoon/etc.)... "But it's not my fault!" she cried and cried but it was no use- the weapon came down upon her, over and over again... SIX YEARS OLD Finally, someone complained about the noise of a child crying... (or maybe her mother finally pissed off one

of the neighbors).

Strangers came to take her away.

They put her with other strangers and their kids who didn't care about her.

She didn't belong there, and they KNEW IT.

They punished her.

There was nothing she could do.

She went through 7 foster homes in less than a year:

The first one a fat, ugly woman had over 12 children and made money off them, while Emerald was abused and neglected.

The woman there was pissed at her and was holding up the (brush/belt/wooden spoon/etc.)... "But it's not my fault!" she cried and cried but it was no use- the weapon came down upon her, over and over again... Another house...

One religious family took her to a big church (it looks like a gold golfball), where she got lost and wanted to get away.

She got in trouble.

The family was pissed and was holding up the (bible/self-righteous bullshit/)...

"But it's not my fault!" she cried and cried but it was no use-

the shame came down upon her, over and over again...

Another house...

A dog was barking at her from behind the fence, she threw rocks at it to make it shut up. It didn't shut up. She got caught throwing rocks.

She got in trouble.

The strange people she didn't know were pissed and were holding up the (You're not worth our trouble we took you in and you're worthless to us, we just needed the money)...

"But it's not my fault!" she cried and cried but it was no use- they just ignored her, over and over again... Another house... Another house...

Another house...

Last house...

An old couple had a separate room for her and she thought this was strange. They were different from the others, they were quiet, and she couldn't remember seeing any other children around. They lived up in the forest of Magalia and it was quiet.

Then her grandmother came to get her, but Emerald's mother wouldn't let her go with her grandma. Her grandma begged Emerald's mother, warning her that if Emerald were taken away again, she would never see her. Finally, Emerald's mother gave in and reluctantly let Emerald's grandma take her.

SEVEN YEARS OLD But there were problems...

Emerald couldn't fit in with others. She didn't understand the stupid rules at school or the teacher who didn't care about her at all. She began to fight.

Then they put her in special school. Things got worse. Bad ladder systems that kept her down and forced her at the bottom at all times.

"You can't play on the playground, you're not on level 3," they would say to her while she thought that was the most ludicrous thing in the world. But something bad would always happen to her so that she never got on level 3 and never made it to the playground.

Then they started taking her to the BAD ROOM where she was restrained for hours at a time-

and then they video taped her, laughed at her, goaded her while they shoved the video camera in her face-

then showed it to her grandma who cried when she saw it.

The teachers at school were pissing her off and they were holding up the (video camera/ladder system/threats to tell her grandma and show her another VIDEO)...

"But it's not my fault!" she cried and cried but it was no use-

the shame, hatred and mistrust came down upon her, over and over again...

The THERAPISTS never helped either...

They ratted to the mother what the grandma said and visa versa, tricking Emerald to say things that would get them both angry.

The bad 'therapists' would turn them all against each other, blaming each of them while nothing was resolved...

Then they took Emerald away, after she got upset while at the circus... (again and again and again and again and again)

The teachers at school, therapists, neighbors with their bratty children were pissing her off and they were holding up the (You're a bad child and you should be taken away, Your grandma can't control or handle you anymore, You're going to jail/juvenile hall if you don't start acting right)...

"But it's not my fault!" she cried and cried but it was no use-

the shame, hatred and mistrust, misunderstanding, confusion, paranoia came down upon her, over and over again...

Then they took her away, away from her grandma and put her in an institution in San Francisco.

She had to tell the truth, before her life was erased by the lies of everyone else. She had no one else to turn to.

She made a promise not to kill herself until after her grandparents died (unless something pushed her to forfeit this promise-something she saw happening pretty soon...)

Trouble was, if something bad happened to her, all the money in her bank accounts would be taken away and once that happened, what would be the use of living?

She may as well kill herself before that happens...

This was the hard part. Trying to see what others would do before they did it, all the while she had to plan ahead like some complicated chess game, guessing their moves before they did them (she wasn't good at chess!). She was going to lose the game.

She wanted to just flip the table over, scatter the pieces to the far corners of the room where she could lose them and not worry about the endgame. But in order to win the game you had to play by the rules, even if you didn't understand those rules. But if you lost the game, you lost the stakes-in this case, the stakes were her life.

She had seen the pattern over and over again. She was already losing.