Preface

Jan 12, 2003

I found this empty journal at the back of my closet. It's gathered dust, must've been hiding there for a long time. I've decided to fill it up, use it to rant or something... It's been too lonely since mom left last week. Dad's passed out drunk in front of the television that's showing the night news. I don't know why she left, but dad said she's a whore. I know what that word means, sometimes they say it on tv, on shows I'm not supposed to be watching but still do. I don't think my mom is a whore. But why did she leave us? Dad says it was my fault, too. I'm too annoying and whiney, she couldn't put up with me anymore. I feel very lonely.

Jan 28, 2003

My birthday is today. I am finally fourteen. I can watch some of those older people shows now. Dad hasn't remembered, and I don't want to tell him. He'll say something mean. That's all he's been saying to me lately. And now, since mom left, I'm the only one he can use as a punching bag. They're getting more painful, those punches. Enough to make me cry, but I try very, very hard not to or else he calls me a sissy. I'm not a sissy. Sometimes, I don't even realize when the beating have stopped until it's already deep into the night. That causes me to be tired a lot. I don't like being tired because I don't do things properly and then get scolded at. I don't like getting scolded at from other people other than my father because I am at least familiar with his ways.

Mar 21, 2003

A teacher asked me yesterday in p.e. why I hadn't changed into my gym clothes. I guess she didn't know I never bought them because I was too afraid to ask my dad. Besides, those clothes are short sleeved and show too much skin. I can't wear them.

I told her I forgot to bring them, she gave me a skeptical look but let it slide. Why did she barely ask about what I'm wearing to gym? I guess tomorrow I'll have to an bring extra long-sleeved shirt and shorts. I can explain the bruises on my legs as sports related rough-housing injuries. Wait, I don't think I have shorts... I'm going to have to ask dad.

Apr 7, 2003

The school called and said they needed my dad to come in for a teacher conference. I don't know why, because I haven't done anything wrong. He told the person on the phone to shove it. He got really angry at me and now it hurts to breathe. I think now the school is going to start getting me in trouble. It wasn't my fault my dad replied like that, they shouldn't have called in the first place.

Apr 11, 2003

The school is asking me questions about my life at home with my dad. I lied to them and I don't think they believe me. I am afraid. What are they going to do?

Jul 15, 2003

I don't know why it's happening, but now when my dad enters my room to hit me, I find myself hurting and he's gone. I can't really explain it, but it's like he beat me up while I was sleeping or something.

Aug 18, 2003

I'm glad and scared to start high school today. Glad, because it's a new school and no more questioning looks from teachers.

Dad actually bought me some school supplies and a couple new clothes. I didn't want to accept them but I didn't really have a choice. I just can't wait until I am old enough to get a job.

Oct 21, 2003

I am a loner. I don't care though...

I'm lying. I do.

Dec 24, 2003

It's Christmas Eve, a holiday we hardly ever celebrated. Mom would sometimes buy me a gift. That'll never happen anymore. This house is devoid of the holiday spirit. I couldn't care less. Maybe my gift from father will be a delayed beating. I can only hope.

Jan 1, 2004

Happy New Years.

Jan 28, 2004

Happy birthday to me. Fifteen years old feels the same as being fourteen. Why do people make birthdays a bigger deal that what they're worth? I'm a year older, so what?

Feb 13, 2004

Someone asked me to be their Valentine. What does that even mean, to be someone's Valentine? I don't know them so I said no. Why would they even ask if we are complete strangers? Tomorrow is Valentine's day anyways, and tomorrow is Saturday. What would be the point?

Apr 19, 2004

The English teacher assigned a group project today. We have to write and perform a ten minute play relating to a book we've read without recreating the book itself. But it isn't theatre class or anything, why do we have to do it? My group wanted to do it Shakespeare related, I said we should do something similar to American Psycho but they hadn't read it. We didn't choose what to do it on today.

May 25, 2004

We begin performing our plays today. The group decided to write something Tragic like Hamlet. Lots of people dying. They made me the main killer because I apparently have that creepy aura... I hope I don't choke.

May 28, 2004

After performing our skit today, the teacher said I was fantastic and suggested I take Theatre class or join the Drama club next year. I don't even remember performing it! It was just over, me standing center stage and classmates clapping below. Is it normal to be so forgetful?

Nov 18, 2004

Something's wrong. The school called today, luckily dad wasn't home so I answered it. They said I had been skipping too many days of school, three consecutive days in the last week and ten so far this month, and asked if I was alright? I lied and told them I had contracted the flu and a severe fever fell upon me so I had to be sent to the E.R. I don't know why I had to lie though because I haven't missed a day of school. Good thing I got to answer the phone today or I'm sure I'd be beaten to a bloody pulp by now.

Jun 1, 2005

Dad beat me so hard I broke my left arm and some bone in my foot or ankle. It hurts so badly, it's troublesome to even shift sideways let alone walk. It even hurts to write. He said he'll take me to the hospital to get an arm cast. Reluctantly, if that wasn't obvious already. He also said I had to tell them I fell down the stairs, even if the house doesn't have any.

Jun 14, 2005

Today has been the worst day of my life. Dad came home drunk and when he went into my room I thought he was just going to throw me around a bit, but I was so very wrong. I couldn't even move since the doctors made me a leg cast that went all the way to my thigh. It stings and hurts so bad and I can't stop crying. I wish mom was here. Would it still have happened if she was? If it did, I doubt she would have stopped it. She left me here with this monster to save her ass. I probably would be more humiliating if she was here to witness it anyways. Oh how I wish I was dead. Maybe I'll take those pills she left in the bathroom all at once. There should be enough to kill me.

Jul 28, 2005

I am a coward. I couldn't take my own life. He does it sober now and I still get beaten, too. Why can't I just do it? Why haven't my blackouts happened during all these times? I can't

Sept 21, 2005

I joined theatre and drama. I think I will be great because if I'm as good as the teacher had said then maybe I could pursue a career in acting. I think maybe I'll like it because I'll get to become someone I'm not, someone with a better life. Everyone's already planning for college, but there's a whole other year ahead to start worrying about that, isn't there? Oh and my attendance has been great. They've stopped messing up my record with false absences. Took them long enough.

Nov 24, 2005

It's thanksgiving and dad has been gone for three days. I don't know where he's at and I don't know if I should feel worried or relieved. I had been eating waffles and cup noodles but I made mac and cheese for today. Such a grand holiday feast, fit for royalty such as myself. I rule over the garbage people because I am the trashiest of them all. How pathetic.

Dec 21, 2005

He had to spend a month in jail. I don't know why and I won't ask. He's been drinking more than usual, too. I can't say I'm not curious because I am. It could mean harsher beatings and that's something I would like to be thoroughly prepared for. Anyways, it's almost Christmas and everywhere I go there are people telling me to have a happy holiday season with their loud, cheerful voices. It makes me lonely. How does it feel to have a loving family?

Jan 28, 2006

I'm spending my seventeenth birthday at the police station. Why? Because apparently I had been driving recklessly. I have no memory of this and I can't even say I was drunk because they had made me take a breathalyzer test and there was no hint of me even taking a drop of alcohol. I would have said it was someone else except the broken arm and neck cast I am now sporting would like to disagree. They also keep calling me by a different name and I don't know why. I am scared to go home. They said I was lucky no one had gotten hurt because then I'd be charged with something more serious and I wouldn't be spending only one night at their precinct but perhaps years in a prison; and if people had pressed charges, I'd be in serious debt, too. They told me to call a lawyer but I said I was poor so they told me they'd take care of it and asked for my father's contact info. I didn't want to tell them but I had to! Dad is surely going to kill me now.

Feb 5, 2006

After that night at the police station, dad abused me so badly, I couldn't get out of bed. He had to bring me food and water and kept telling me what a worthless disappointment I am. He also said my court date was in a week and that he had called the school to excuse my absences. At least he did something decent for once. I still want to die.

Feb 13, 2006

I had to pay a little over $600. They said I was speeding, going 25 over the limit and had ran a red light so I guess that's why the price was so high. Good thing I had been saving up all my paychecks, though that means I'm now $600 short. I still say it wasn't me because I cannot remember that night at all. Wait! Whose car had I crashed? And why am I not dead if I was going so fast? Did I even crash? C'mon brain! Why can't you remember?!

Feb 23, 2006

I got fired from the job I've had since last year because I'm irresponsible, rude and a truant. I don't know how they came to those conclusions or how they got such false information, but I think they're just firing me because of last month's incident. Isn't that some type of prejudice? I asked for a reference nonetheless and I'm going to look for another job tomorrow.

Jun 1, 2006

The last few months flew by in a hurry. They've been the strangest months at school so far. People try to talk to me and ask me to places. Some started eating with me at lunch too. It isn't bothersome but it just doesn't feel right. How did I manage to get the attention of all these people when the years before I was even forgotten to get picked on for the teams during p.e? Last week, seniors even invited me to their End of High School party. I didn't know how to respond because 1) I didnt know them and 2) they seemed to expect me to talk to them in a certain way like we had been friends for some time. I just nodded and excused myself to the bathroom. They probably think I am a pathetic mental case.

Jun 10, 2006

Something is terribly wrong with me! Today... Well technically last night, I found myself at the End of High School party kissing someone I don't know! They smelled and tasted gross. Everyone was drunk and it was really, really late at night. I didn't even know tonight was the day of the party and I wasn't even planning on attending so why was I there? They were calling me different names, tapping when I didn't respond and hugged me or slapped my hand and pulled me in when I had turned around. Nobody actually got my name correct. I don't know how I got there. Some kept telling me stories of what I had done, others asked for confirmation that I actually did do what others were saying I did. I was telling them no but people always butted in and said yes for me. 'Stop being so modest, of course you did.'

No, I didn't! What is happening? I left as soon as I could only to come home to a beating. The sun is coming up, another horrible day to endure.

Sept 12, 2006

Finally, I am almost out. I applied to the easiest state colleges to get into, in the state and closest out of state, because my grades aren't all that great. I don't know if I'll attend any because university is expensive. Maybe I'll just rent an apartment near whichever colleges accept me. I just want to leave.

Apr 23, 2007

Woohoo! I got accepted to Arizona State! It's a couple hours away AND in a different state but I think I should go! I'll wait for the other choices to reply back.

Oh shit. I think dad came home and in my haste to write down my excitement, I forgot to the letter! Shit, shit, shit, shit. Fuck. He's calling me. This isn't going to be good.. fuck. sh-