118My heart pounds as I stand outside our apartment door. It's almost one in the morning, and there's no doubt in my mind he's home. I've stayed away on purpose, wanting to give him time to accept the fact that I'm leaving. I can't believe how long I've lived in this lie. How long I've loved, and trusted him. What if he tries to deny it? I run my hand over the bag slung across my chest. But I have proof. I'm prepared.
You can do this Katie McGregor. You've avoided it long enough…
I push the door open, and the lamp from the hallway casts a sliver of light through the darkened room.
His ominous voice causing me to freeze. "Are you leaving me, Katie?"
"Kevin-"
"Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?"
I shake my head in the dark, and close the door behind me. "If that was my plan I'd be gone by now." My voice calm, as I skim the wall for the switch, and flick it on.
"Where have you been?" He pushes off one of the moving boxes, and stalks towards me.
"I don't owe you an explanation." Stand your ground Katie, you can do this.
"Answer me. Where have you been?" His face inches from mine, but I don't budge.
"I should ask you the same question."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He narrows his eyes, and I can smell beer on his breath.
"Was it really a business trip this time?" I stare into his eyes, daring him to lie again.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I know, Kevin!" The anger I've held for the past week comes bubbling out of me, and I push past him, needing distance.
"What?" He sounds appalled. Confused.
"Don't you dare give me that. Don't stand there pretending you don't know exactly what I'm talking about. You've lied to me long enough."
"Baby, what are you talking about?"
I whirl around to face him, and he looks so sincere... just like every other time he's lied.
I shove my hand in my bag, pull out the manila envelope, and throw it at his chest. "I'm talking about this."
When he opens it, he pulls out the pictures, and recognition transforms his features. All the girls he's been with over the past week.
"I can explain."
"Screw you, Kevin!"
He grabs my arm, making me wince. "It didn't mean anything, they don't mean anything."
"Then why were you fucking them?" I scream, my eyes burn with tears, and I yank my arm out of his grasp. "Why, Kevin?" I hold myself around the middle, my anger crumbling to pain.
"Don't do this, Katie."
"I deserve to know."
He drops to one knee in front of me. "Katie, I love you. Don't leave me... Marry me."
"Don't..." My eyes close, blocking him out. Wanting nothing more that to wake up from this nightmare.
"Katie, I want to grow old with you. I want you to have my babies. They will all have big blue eyes, just like you..."
But it's not a nightmare. This is my life. I back away, shaking my head. No. Please stop.
"I'll give you everything you ever wanted. We'll buy a house, get a dog-"
"GET UP!" I scream, my voice breaks. I can't hear another word. "It's over, Kevin. Over!"
He stands slowly, looking at me as though I've lost my mind. "How can you say that? Have the last two years meant nothing to you?"
"Don't you dare try and turn this around on me!" Hatred like I've never felt courses through my veins.
"We're a team, Katie. We can get through this. We look good together, Baby. Everyone says so."
"Is that all I am to you? A pretty face?" My gut twists, and I can't breathe.
He shakes his head, "You know that's not true." He runs his hands through his hair, scanning the boxes that clutter the room. "Don't move out. I'll go. We'll work on things. I'll win you back, just give me a chance."
"I don't trust you anymore." My voice is raw. Lifeless.
"Katie, Please."
"I've already resigned. I have an interview in L.A on Monday."
"L.A.?" He looks shocked.
"Yes."
"Are you going to Jake?" His eyes lock on the picture frame that rests on the coffee table.
I nod.
He yanks the frame off the table, throws it against the wall, and his words explode. "Are you fucking him?"
My body jolts at the impact, and I drop down to pick up the broken frame. "The only one fucking other people is you, Kevin!" I stand to open the door. "You need to leave."
"You can't kick me out of my own apartment."
"Get out."
He laughs.
"Get out or I'll call the cops."
He takes a long look around the apartment, then slowly walks towards me. He comes to a stop when he's so close I can feel his breath in my hair. "You want to know why, Katie? Why I went to other women?" He trails a hand down my arm, and a shiver of disgust runs through me. "Because you've never satisfied me. You just laid there like a pretty little fish-what did you expect?"
I close my eyes, knowing I should say something, do something, but I'm frozen.
"No man will ever be satisfied with you."
I push him away, and he stumbles back. "I'll leave my key under the door. I'll be gone by noon."
He laughs, "You'll regret this."
Bolting the lock behind him, I slide down to the floor; his words burning my mind like poison.
No man will ever be satisfied with you.
The broken frame rests in my hand, and I brush some of the shattered glass to the ground.
My thumb runs over all those familiar faces, and a sad smile turns my lips. 'The gang'. It was taken twelve years ago, the summer after Dad passed, and we were all in our swimsuits by the pool. My brother Dave, and his friends Jake and Justin, were all high school seniors, shirtless, and adorable. They'd spent all summer working out that year, and shamelessly flexed their biceps for the camera. My friends Sarah, Megan, and I were all in our practiced supermodel pose that was supposed to be slimming, and I was still wearing a training bra even at fourteen.
I had only been 5'3", soft around the middle, and such a little girl in body and soul. I had hated being short then, but now at 5'10" I wish I could knock off a few inches. I was so innocent, and my whole world was wrapped up in those people. I actually thought we'd be together forever. But that was back when I trusted people with my secrets… back when I trusted them with my heart. When I was young, full of hopes and dreams, and so in love with Jake Johnson...
Tossing in my bed, I threw the covers from my sweaty legs. I wasn't sure if it was the laughter coming from the living room, or my fourteen year old body covered in sweat that awoke me, but I couldn't sleep.
I looked over, noticing Sarah wasn't in my bed, and rolled my eyes. She was probably with the boys. She was always with the boys.
I thought briefly about turning on the air conditioner, but mom's stressed face filled my mind, and guilt washed over me. Everything changed after Dad died.
More laughter pulled me from my thoughts.
It was nearly two in the morning, and regardless of what Sarah wanted, I needed sleep. I stumbled down the hallway, running a hand down the textured paper walls, following the voices until I reached the living room. Their backs were to me, and my heart instantly sank. She was sitting on the ottoman with my dad's old guitar, and Jake was so close, she was practically in his lap.
"Like this?" she asked, her hands positioned at the neck of the instrument.
I thought about clearing my throat to alert them of my presence, but I felt too shocked to move. He's only teaching her how to play. That's all this is.
"No no. Here let me show you." He laughed, then wrapped his arm around her back, helping her position her fingers on the frets. He was shirtless, and his dark hair damp. They must have gone swimming.
"Is this right?"
He hummed his response in her neck, nuzzling. My breath caught, and my stomach twisted as though I'd been stabbed. Why Sarah? Because she's older?
She giggled, "Stop it, Katie likes you." Her protest more like a caress.
"No she doesn't." He whispered against her neck.
More giggles. "She'll be so mad if she finds out."
"Katie's like my sister. She won't care."
She leaned back, placing a hand on his strong jaw. "I guess she never has to find out." Her voice was just a whisper, but I heard it anyway. She closed the gap between them, then touched her lips to his.
My eyes welled with tears, and I couldn't take another second. I turned from the doorway, mindful to remain silent as I walked back to my room.
Closing the door quietly behind me, I threw myself on my bed, and let the sobs I was suppressing pour from my soul. It wasn't like I didn't know Jake thought of me like that, but it hurt more hearing it out loud- and from his very own lips no less. His perfect lips- that were now all over Sarah.
Sarah! I felt so betrayed. She was supposed to be my best friend.
I couldn't remember how many nights we'd stayed up late, talking about Jake. She knew everything. Like how every time he looked at me with those ocean blue eyes, my stomach fluttered. And about the first time I knew for sure that I loved him…
It was after my dad died. So many people had talked to me like I was some fragile little flower. It almost made me feel like I was. Like everything I knew, my whole world, was falling apart. Jake had been so different. The night he found out, he'd walked in my room, pulled me into his arms, and hugged me so hard. His grip so rough it was almost painful, and it felt so good. It felt so real. That real human touch that told me life was still to be lived. He hadn't talked much, just held me like that, and I cried for hours. It was exactly what I needed, and it was after that I began to feel a bit like myself again.
Tears streamed down my hot cheeks soaking my pillow. How could she do this to me. I'll never trust her again.
With my back against the apartment door I run my thumb over the photo, now scratched from the broken glass.
All these years later, and I can still feel the sting of seeing them like that.
No man will ever be satisfied by you.
Sarah had snuck back into bed that night around three in the morning. She never did say anything to me about what happened, and I never asked.
Picking myself off the floor, I remove the photo from its broken frame and place it safely into one of the open boxes.
Drained and defeated, I drag my body to the bedroom, and crawl into my unmade bed. I feel broken and shattered, just like the glass still covering my living room floor.
It's over.
The words repeat in my head again and again, and I quietly cry myself to sleep.