118The late morning sun streams through the wide windshield of the moving truck, and I pull the visor down hoping to block out it's harsh rays. Nope. I may be crazy enough to think I can drive this thing, but I'm not crazy enough to drive it blind. Shoving a hand in my bag I retrieve the white rimmed hollywood glasses I last wore in the Bahama's. That was over a month ago, back before my life turned to shit.
My hands shake as I grip the steering wheel, and I wonder if my frugal nature may have got the better of me. I should have paid the damned money, but instead, I'm having a mini panic attack sitting behind the wheel of this deadly weapon, with my Ford Hatchback attached to the back. I check the mirrors one last time, recite a silent prayer, and pull the truck away from the curb.
It's not long before I'm on the I-5 freeway, and my eyes lock on the sign that reads Los Angeles: 136 miles. I take a deep breath, and the reality of the last few days sinks in.
It's not like me to storm into the office and give my resignation without notice. I'm the responsible type. The one who's never late, the one who never breaks her promises. I am the type who saves her virginity until the age of twenty-three- for a man who never wanted it.
It's not that I never had the opportunity. I had many boyfriends, and lord knows they all tried. I just wanted something more. Something special. There was always that one person I held above everyone else. Jake.
When Kevin came along, I thought all of that had changed. It was six months after moving to San Diego, I had been assigned to photograph a local cancer drive, and Kevin was the brand new reporter in the office. He was the type who could sweet talk his way into just about any situation, and it only took him two weeks to talk his way into my pants. I never even told him I was a virgin... I'm not sure why? Maybe to save myself from having to explain the reason why…
Three months after our first date, Kevin and I moved in together. I thought he was my forever, that he was the one, that we would grow old together… Now two and a half years later, I realize I couldn't have been more wrong.
As the miles tick by, I am both filled with fear, and longing for what awaits me. Jake. My Jake. The Jake I haven't seen once in three years-My heart starts to flutter as I wonder what it will be to like to live with him again; though technically back then, he was more like a neighbor with his own key.
Jake lived in the studio below my brother Dave and I, but was at our apartment more often than his own. I was twenty-three, and finally made it to my last semester of college. It wasn't uncommon to come home and find him rummaging through the fridge, or asleep on the couch. We were all inseparable back then...
With feet tucked under me on my bed, I nervously chewed on my pencil as I read the same sentence for what felt like the hundredth time. Crap!
There was a quick tap on the door, and before I could answer, Jake walked in my room, laid on my bed, and took a bite of his apple like he owns the place.
"Why are you hiding in here, Kit Kat?"
"Why do you think?" I waved my hand over the textbooks and papers that scattered my bed.
"Well, that sucks. What are you doing tonight?" He said, smiling that easy grin that made my heart beat faster.
"Going out with Phillip."
"You're still seeing that guy? He's such an ass."
"He's sweet! Besides… You shouldn't talk." I looked back at my papers, hoping he'd leave me alone to study.
He flips to his stomach, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Like Candace is such a prize." I rolled my eyes.
He grinned, "What's wrong with Candy?"
"She laughs like a Hyena." I raised my eyebrows, daring him to deny it.
"Yeah, well… At least she doesn't cry as much as Phillip does."
"Shut up! He's sensitive." I threw a pillow at him, but inside I wanted to laugh.
"Ow! So feisty." He grinned, then took another bite of apple.
"Why are you always barging in here bothering me anyway?"
"I didn't barge, I knocked."
"That wasn't a knock, that was a tap- and besides, you're supposed to wait for an answer."
"Why does it bother you so much, Katie? Are you hiding something in here?" A quick smile turned his lips, and he rolled over to look under the bed.
"Yeah, like I could sneak anything past Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb."
A bright smile covered his face, and he tossed the rest of his apple in the trash. "Which one am I?"
"Definitely Tweedle Dumb." I matched his smile with my own.
"Oh Kit Kat, that's the wrong answer." He rose to his knees, a playful look crossing his beautiful face.
My heartbeat quickened as I recognised the game we're about to play. Without hesitation, I bolted from the bed, ran to the living room, and leaped over the couch to put a barrier between us.
"You think the couch will protect you?" He stalked into the room with long legs, and broad shoulders that made my insides turn to butter.
"Fine, you can be Tweedle Dee!" I called out, already starting to giggle.
"Too late, Katie, you have to pay the fine."
I knew what the fine was, he'd tickle me until I couldn't breathe.
"Jake," I used my stern voice to warn him, but he wasn't swayed.
He ran to one edge of the couch, and I ran to the other. I was trapped, and knew I'd never get away. I grabbed one of the pillows, threw it at him, and he caught it in the air, raising his eyebrows in challenge. I picked up another pillow, and soon we were whacking each other in the middle of the living room, I laughed so hard my eyes watered, and he took advantage of my weakness. Grabbing the pillow from my hands, he tackled me to the floor, straddled me across my hips, and began his attack.
"No, Jake!" I screamed between laughter.
"Oh Katie, I just can't help myself." He said continuing his assault on my ribcage.
"Please, stop! I'll do anything."
His hands stilled, and he looked down at me with sparkling eyes. "Go to the game with me and Dave tonight."
I sobered. That familiar tingle making me hyper aware of his position on top of me. "I can't Jake, I already have plans."
"Tell him you have to study." His expression serious as he stared down at me.
What was happening? He's never looked at me like that before. Like he wanted to devour me in one bite.
"Okay." I said breathless, but this time no longer from laughter.
"Great!" He pushed off the floor, then helped pull me up to stand.
"You're such a jerk." I looked down at the floor, knowing my feelings were plastered all over my face.
"I know." He reaches up and tucked a strand of wild hair behind my ear. "We leave at five."
"Fine-but now I have to study." I brushed past him on my way to my room, needing distance to collect myself.
"Katie?"
"Yes, Jake?" I feigned annoyance.
"Let him down easy.
Phillip and I broke up a couple weeks later, and I told everyone it was because we grew apart... But I knew the truth, I pushed him away.
Jake and I had always been playful like that, but something changed between us that afternoon. It was that summer I began to think he might actually have feelings for me. And it was that same summer, my whole world fell apart…
Dressed in boxers and a cami from the night before, I frantically scanned the emergency room completely consumed by fear. Please let him be ok.
I scanned the room filled with unfamiliar faces, and my body began to shake. When my eyes locked on Mom, it was as if I floated over to her. I don't even remember moving.
"We don't know anything yet, " Her eyes filled with tears, and she squeezes my hand.
"What happened?" I sat down, not knowing if I was ready for the answer.
"He was talking with an inspector- someone lost control of the crane-" Her voice cracked, unable to continue.
My eyes burned with tears, and it felt like a ton of bricks landed on my chest making it nearly impossible to breathe. I glanced up, spotting Jake in the corner. Blood covered his clothes, and he stared into the center of the room as if unseeing. I wanted to go to him. He must have been there. He saw everything. My mom began to tremble, and I was reminded of how she was after dad died. I wrapped my arms tightly around her, and closed my eyes.
With senses are on high alert, I heard the electric door, and opened my eyes. A man in a white coat walked toward us, and before he even spoke I knew Dave is gone.
"I'm sorry Mrs. McGregor, we did everything we could."
My mind filled with static, and I could only see his mouth moving, unable to comprehend his words. All I knew, was that Dave was gone. Nothing else he said mattered.
Mom and I were invited back to say our goodbyes, and I looked over my shoulder, scanning the room for Jake. He needed to be there.
The room was crowded, and I couldn't find him amongst the chaos. People were talking, nurses rushing back and forth, a baby cried-then I saw him. His back was to me, and he was walking down the hall, on his way out of the hospital. I wanted to call out, to run to him and tell him not to leave, but I felt Mom shaking in my arms, and I knew she needed me to stay calm. I held her tightly as she cried, but I was in shock; I had not shed a single tear.
When I returned to the apartment hours later, Jake was sitting forward on the couch, head in hands, and I instantly knew he needed me.
I needed him.
We needed eachother.
I closed the door behind me, and he looked up. The torment I saw in his eyes causing my throat to thicken. Before I could say anything, he was on his feet, crossing the room in two powerful strides, and crushing my body to his.
"I am so sorry, Katie." He held me so tight I could feel his heartbeat, his breath, the deep rumble of his voice, and I gripped him to me like my life depended on it.
"I was supposed to be there." I felt his hands trail down my back as he sunk to his knees in front of me, grasping me around my waist, repeating the words over and over again. "I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be there."
My hands fell to his hair, still damp from a shower, and my heart squeezed in my chest. He began to shake his head, and his voice was so raw I could barely make out his words.
"He didn't see…I couldn't get to him in time- it's my fault, Katie. It's my fault."
"No, Jake… don't." I'm choking. Every word was painful. "No..."
Hot tears streaked my face. "It's not your fault, Jake. It was nobody's fault..."
My voice was strange and broken. I tried to lift him to his feet, but he was too heavy. His shoulders shook, and I sank to the floor next to him, pulling him to me with strength I didn't know I had.
"He told me, but I didn't listen." His voice was raw and hollow.
I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him as if he were a child. "It'll be okay, Jake…. It'll be okay." When I said the words, I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince him or myself.
He looked up, his eyes were red rimmed, and wild with pain. I trailed my hand down the side of his face, wanting to comfort him, but not knowing how "I'm so sorry." I could feel his sorrow as much as my own.
"Shhhh..." he whispered, standing up, he lifted me off the ground, and carried me to the couch. He sat with me in his lap, stroking my back with his large hands, and I buried my face in his neck as the realization of Dave's death washed over me. My body started to tremble with all the grief I had tried to suppress, and his grip tightened around me. He began to rock me gently, whispering that everything would be okay. That he would always be there, that he would take care of me, and I felt my hair grow damp with the wetness of his tears. He held me like this well into the night when exhaustion finally took over me, and I fell asleep in his arms.
Three weeks after Dave's death, the escrow closed on our childhood home. The deal had already been in place, and a new home purchased in Colorado, but I pleaded Mom to back out. She didn't listen, and moved with her boyfriend Paul over a thousand miles away.
Jake become my rock, and I don't know if I would have survived those first few weeks without him. We spent every night together, and when the nightmares started, he began sleeping in my bed...
My heart slammed in my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I felt panicked, confused, alone… I wanted to scream, but I couldn't find my voice. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me!
"Shhhhhh..." Jake's deep voice filled my ears. "I'm here." he whispered, pulling me close, and I felt safe.
I turned into the comfort of his arms, his bare chest against my cheek, as hot tears streaked my face.
"It was a dream," He ran a hand down my back, "shhhh..."
His hand reached up to caress my face, and his thumb brushed my cheek. "Don't cry."
His words calmed me, as the soft light of dawn filtered through my bedroom window; his hooded eyes on mine.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing this was not the first time I awoke him with my dreams.
He was so close, I could smell the cinnamon on his breath, and my heart began to pound again. His eyes shifted to my mouth, and a second later his lips were on mine.
His hand trailed behind my neck, and my body began to melt at his touch. Our kiss was soft, demanding, and so much sweeter than I could have ever imagined.
My lips parted as he pushed his tongue in to taste mine. My hands trailed down his back, his soft skin and hard muscles filling my senses. I couldn't think. My whole body was alive from his touch, and all I could do was feel.
He rolled me to my back, his body heavy on mine, and his lips trailed kisses along my jaw, my neck, my ear.
A soft moan escaped me, and I arched against him, my body coming more alive with each touch. I felt his erection against my hip, and my insides turned to liquid with need.
The next thing I knew, his body was ripped from mine, and he sat on the edge of the bed.
"I can't, Katie." He was breathless, and I felt as though I'd been slapped.
Embarrassment and pain coursed through me and I turned away.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, not knowing what else to say.
"No- damn it." He reached out to touch my shoulder, but I flinched away confused.
"It's just- Dave…"
"I know Jake, it's okay." I took a deep breath, trying to force the hurt away. "I need to get ready. I have work this morning."
As if on cue, the alarm beeped to life and I reached out a hand yto silence it. Pushing myself to stand, I walked on shaking legs to the bathroom.
"Katie-" He called out, but I didn't answer before I closing the door behind me.
As I pull off the freeway, I listen intently for the directions from my GPS.
Everything had changed after that kiss. It was in that moment I realized nothing would ever happen between us. He would always think of me as the little sister he had to protect.
Every contact between us became painful, a constant reminder of what would never be mine, and I knew I had to get away.
When I got the job offer in San Diego, I didn't hesitate before packing my bags, and putting that needed distance between us.
As I pull the truck to park across the street from Jake's house, I watch as he arranges boxes around in his garage.
I will not fall for you this time, Jake Johnson; this time I know better.