3Andy was your typical blonde hair, blue eye Gary Stu with the kind of tight trim body that a guy could fold over the sink for a hard fuck. Unfortunately, Andy was also the most hated kind of queer; he was a pussy boy.
He dreamed of marrying a prince in shinning armor and cleaning up their castle in nothing but a frilly pink apron. His hobbies included baking cupcakes and buying cherry flavored Chap Stick. He hated anything that made him sweat and swore by baby powder. He like having tea in the afternoon with his cucumber sandwiches and strawberry cakes.
One day, while Andy went to support his friends at a drag queen show, His friend Tiffany said to him, "Andy, if you don't learn to hide your gay better, you'll never find someone who'll want to take your virginity. You have to learn to put on a show sometimes."
"Oh Tiff, you can't just ask someone to change who they are. Not everyone can be big butch men like us in the morning, but put on pantyhose at night." Said Tiff's husband Luscious.
Andy was having a great night after two glasses of peach schnapps. However when his friends brought up his love life, (or rather, the lack of one), Andy started to feel a little sad.
Luscious tapped his finger on his chin thoughtfully for a moment, then suddenly snatched a foam light bulb out of his manpurse and screeched, "I have an epiphany!"
"You are going to stick a foam bulb up his ass?" Tiff asked.
"No, you sassy little bitch," Luscious smacked Tiff over the head with the foam light bulb, "I know of a friend's friend who's real into Andy's type."
Andy looked back and forth between his two friends in their full on makeup and seven inch heels and shook his head in a bewildered manner.
"Oh no, you guys aren't setting me up with another date. The last one was terrible." He cried.
"Honey, you can't blame us for not knowing that boy was a bottom too." Luscious insisted as he crossed his legs defensively and flipped at his wig like a lady. "He did act real butch for someone in sequins and stilettos."
"He poured his drink on me when I said I can't top!" Andy whined pitifully. "He ruined my favorite shirt."
"And we bought you a whole new outfit as an apology didn't we?" Tiff reminded Andy with a sassy tap of the finger on his shoulder.
Andy thought about the frilly pink princess dress they had purchased for him when they found him bawling in his bedroom after the disastrous date.
"Yes," He finally replied softly with a pout, but his eyes were already a little moist from the terrible memory.
"Good, then you know we always look out for you." Luscious pulled out his phone from his pushup bra and pointed to the screen. "Have a look at his profile on Grindr, isn't he a cutie pie?"
Andy glanced over shyly. It was hard to judge what the guy looked like in the tiny profile picture, he could only see that the man had scruffy stubble, a pair of piercing gray eyes, and a hard mouth set in a straight line. "He looks mean."
"Oh hun, you can't just judge a man by his picture. He's a real teddy bear in person. If I didn't already have Tiff here, I'd be all over him myself."
"You already were all over him, he just pushed you off because you weren't his type." Tiff crossed his arms in a dramatic angry huff.
Luscious rolled his eyes in annoyance and flipped his husband off with a flash of neon acrylic nails. "Ignore him, Andy. I'll give my friend's friend's friend your number and picture. I just know you two will get along swimmingly!"
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A few days later, when Andy was doing laundry and separating the pinks from the lavender, his friend's friend's friend called him.
"Andy, this is Darrel." The man's gruff voice was slow and deliberate; each word came out sounding like an order from an army commander and sent a shiver of excitement down Andy's back.
"Darrel?" Andy searched for the name in his head as he twirled his hair around his finger, "I apologize sir, I don't seem to remember..."
"My friend gave me your picture and number. I would like to meet you if you are free."
"Oh! Tiff and Luscious's friend's friend? Now I remember!" Andy exclaimed.
"Yes, that would be me." The voice confirmed, "Would you like to join me for coffee sometime?"
Andy chewed on his lips and tried to remember the picture Luscious had showed him and decided that he didn't have anything to lose other than his virginity, (which he didn't really want anyway).
"Sure, there's a Panera's on 5th street."
"I frequent there often. We can meet there at seven PM sharp tonight."
"Oh, eh—" Andy thought about refusing to meet on such short notice, but decided he didn't want to stay home and do laundry on a Friday night anyway, "Sure, I guess."
"I look forward to meeting you then." Darrel said with finality, then Andy heard the line go dead.
When Andy put down the phone, the first thing he realized with a shock was that he had no idea what he had to wear. He immediately threw his phone into the hamper and ran to his closet. The little studio he lived in had barely enough space for a bed and stove, but it had a big walk in closet adjacent to the bathroom. There was no shortage of clothes in there, but Andy suddenly felt like he didn't have anything he wanted to wear.
He threw on every piece of clothes he owned, and took them off upon deciding they were too out of fashion or unsuitable. By the time he had gone through every possible permutation for an outfit, it was already six thirty and he was covered in sweat.
He ran to the bathroom and blasted himself under the shower until he was clean, then dried himself off and sprinkled on some baby powder. There wasn't enough time for him to put on full-face makeup so he just curled his eyelashes and applied a little mascara to bring out his eyes. His friends always complimented his large baby blues so he tried to make sure they were looking their best. Then he pulled on the large white sweater and blue jeans he had on before the call.
It took him ten minutes to find his phone. As he slammed the door behind him and ran down the street to Panera, he suddenly remembered that he forgot to bring his keys.
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Darrel had just finished serving in the army after eight years of service. He had gone through five tours of duty in the Middle East and during the last tour, decided finally that he just wanted to go home and have a family. However, while the army was willing to allow him to fulfill the first part of his wish, the second part was a little harder when he had no prospects of a boyfriend remotely in sight.
Fortunately, his sister Rachel immediately set about the task of finding him someone when she realized his dilemma. After all, Darrel was her baby brother and she would want nothing but the best for him. At first, Rachel was filled with all the passion of a raging storm as she went about her task with conviction.
Unfortunately, she slowly realized that her brother wasn't settling for just any cute guy, but for a very specific type of cute guy. He explained to her quite seriously that he wanted his future male bride, (yes, that's what he called it) to know how to cook, sew, wash dishes and clothes without the help of a machine, his bride should also look dainty and be no taller than his shoulder, most importantly he should be obedient and docile.
Rachel had looked at him like he was a mad man, or at least someone who might have been grazed by too many IEDs while he was on tour. But Darrel had just crossed his thick arms tightly over his bulging chest muscles and shook his head, nope, he wanted what he wanted, no compromises.
Of course Rachel still wanted to help even after that, she was convinced that Darrel must have been going through a phase of ill adjustment with his new life as a civilian. She complained to her boss, Luke, about the trouble she was going through with Darrel when she was out with him during drinks one night.
"Luke, I just don't know what to do," She had cried over her bottle of Corona.
"I thought I already told you to only call me Luscious after 6pm." Luke replied with an annoyed frown.
"Luscious, what am I going to do? He's my baby brother and it breaks my heart to see him so lonely by himself everyday. All he does is write all day in his office." Rachel pulled Luscious into her arms and wet his shoulders with her tears.
And that was how Darrel got his hands on Andy's number. He wasn't convinced that Andy was going to be anything close to what he wanted, but after many talks with his sister, (and a few more with his psychologist), he decided that he was at least going to give this Andy guy a try.