With age comes wisdom.

That's what I've always been told, but these days I'm really not sure. I don't think people become wise because they grow old. I think they simply become wise after the fact.

"I told you he was a loser."

"I told you she'd get fat."

"I told you not to stick that up your nose."

When I used to sell cars in Mobile, Alabama, the best advice I ever got was if I wanted to sell a lot of cars I should go learn from the best salesman on the lot, not the worst. The worst salesmen are the ones standing around bragging about what they're going to do, while the best salesmen are the ones out there doing it. So I went to the salesman who consistantly sold the most cars every month, and he promptly sold me a car.

I still don't know how he did it.

Advice is a tricky thing. Like medicine, it's easy to prescribe, but hard to take. Anybody can give advice-just ask my in-laws-but the trouble comes in finding someone interested in taking it. That's especially true with your kids. The secret in giving your kids advice is to do it while they are still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Having said all that, let me now share with you some of the things I've learned on my road to old age and wisdom:

It's never a good idea to let the homeless babysit your children. I'd elaborate, but my lawyers have warned me against it.

Someone someday may bet you that they can make the ace of spades rise up from an unopened deck of cards. Don't take that bet, my friend. My dad taught me that important lesson when I was just five years old. To this day I can't believe he actually took my money.

Never fight a chimpanzee, because, trust me, you'll lose. There's just no beating an angry monkey. They've got that monkey strength going for them, which is like ten times the strength of a normal man, and you've never seen such a dirty fighter. Not even in divorce court.

It may seem like a good idea at the time, but don't feed a baby salsa. Not even if the baby wants some. Not even if the baby really, really wants some.

Booze is a great truth serum. Everybody thought Mel Gibson was a great guy... until he got drunk. Now everybody knows him for the racist, sexist lunatic that he is. Allegedly. So let's skip the coming political debates, and just give our politicians a few shots of Jose Cuervo. Then we'll find out what they're really like.

And, finally, animals don't really inflate like balloons the way they do in cartoons. Nor does a frying pan stretch out into the shape of the face you've just smashed it against.

Not even a little bit.