Wanting to hurt
Have you ever chosen to get hurt by someone because you believed that you would quickly recover? You believed that they wouldn't hurt you too much. You wanted things to end, and for it to end someone has to get hurt. You wanted to feel those emotions because you were too tired of being happy all the time. Well, this is my story.
He was someone I liked, more than just a friend. He was so much more mature than I was, I felt like a fool every time we talked and I always end up asking myself "why am I so childish? But I felt so happy to interact with him, I didn't need to be a conversation, just a greeting, or even a smile would be enough. That smile, it could turn the worst day into the best, even though I knew as soon as he was out of my sight it would be the worst day again. Even though that moment of interaction lasted only a couple of seconds, it would be something I thought about the entire day, or the whole week. The slightest thought of him made my entire body tingle from head to toe.
Things between us are "safe" now, will this safety eventually lead to the infamous friend-zone? The slightest mention of the friend-zone scares me to the max, I don't want to go there at least not with him. Once mentioned the more I think about it. The conscious begins to convince the subconscious that something is wrong. The gut feeling that we all hate starts to stir, a chemical reaction that instantly changes. A new substance forms, it's called the crumbling wall. Without seeing you, that wall continues to build stronger and thicker, but the moment I catch you in the corner of my eye… it shatters. It shatters like a cup full of coffee made with love. It spills everywhere and creates the mess where I have to clean it up again, make another cup to fill with love. This repeats every time until I ask myself why do I continue to make this cup every time it breaks? Why do I always try to clean it up after, is it not better that this love fills me up?
I want this to end, hope for the worse, but hoping that it doesn't hurt as much as you break the final cup because you would cushion the fall. I'm so tired of fixing that cup, so it's time to let go. It's time for me to stop gluing all those little pieces back together. Break it to me slowly, I've prepared for the worse. This heart of mine, it has been broken before and fixed because you came into my life, all you can do for me is to return it to the former state.