2Doctor without hope
I could not help myself.
It hurts to see them this way. It hurts them, it hurts their families, it hurts everyone.
And there is nothing I can do about it. Not a single thing.
Every single day I walk to work and face them. Face my mistakes. Face my disappointments. I knew the risks, I was told to wait but I did not. I could not. They would die. They are still going to die. I just slowed everything down. I caused even more pain... I did this.
I am so sorry.
I pick up the empty syringe and I fill it up with the clear chemical. My hands grow steady at the familiar gesture. Even though it was usually a nurses job to fill syringes it still felt normal. Comforting. Wrong.
I step up to the first patient. A young woman from the accident. Dying because of my failed experiment. Light green, shoulder-length hair pulled tight in a ponytail revealing a fresh, worried face – even in sleep. Bright sapphire eyes can be seen whenever her eyelids flutter. Fallen debry left a mark stretching from the bottom of the left cheekbone.
I penetrate the tube that connects her to the IV and put some of the liquid into it.
Next I see chestnut, coily hair almost fully covering a long, friendly face of the teenage boy, not even fifteen. Expressive black eyes stare blindly at me. Through me. As if he knew. Tribal marks in the form of 1 stripe above and 2 stripes below his right eye marks his lineage but, more importantly leaves an amusing memory of true friendship. I remember the story...
I give him the chemical too.
Then there was the old man with grey, straight hair clumsily hangs over a craggy, lived-in face. Shining brown eyes are closed, deep in slumber. Fire has left a mark stretching from just under the right eye , running towards the tip of the nose and ending above his right eye leaves a him deformed. Most refuse to look at him.
I give the rest of the contents of the needle to him.
By midnight all three of them will be dead.
I am so, so sorry.
I pick up the gun that I had left on the window sill and put it to my head. I am very calm. My hands do not shake. I do not tremble. I do not break a sweat. Then it is clear; I deserve this.
I pull the trigger.
So sorry.