Blog Day One: My Note

I love you all so, so much. I just don't know how to love myself. I have tried, day in and day out, but the question remains; how do you love yourself?

It seems like a simple answer really, something people should already have found the answer for. It is as if we don't want to know because if we do we will have to stop taking the easy way out and admit there is another path we could have taken. Because, if we except that there is another way out we might have to take it, and if we take it we might have to face some intensely painful memories, and if we face the intensely painful memories then we will have to heal and sometimes we don't want to do that.

I'm sitting here in my bed tonight at 1:31 AM unable to sleep, not that I have really tried. But I'm feeling. I feeling so many emotions that I haven't felt in a while. I feel sad. This eminence sadness and I don't know where it is coming from. I can literally only explain it with two of my favorite quotes by John Green, Thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt, and the beginning of this one, There will come a time when all of us are dead, all of us. There will be no one left to remember the great works of Cleopatra, Neil Armstrong… no one. Everything we have worked so hard for will be for not. So, if you are scared of this, oblivion, I suggest you ignore it, god knows thats what everyone else does. Now, I believe I probable botched this, I'm also sure I got at least 90% of it wrong, but, I'm also sure I got the main idea of it.

Nothing we do will matter, it will all blow away someday. But, if that bothers you, ignore it like everyone else.

I don't want to ignore it, but because I don't I feel pain, which demands to be felt so no matter how many times I push it aside, try to hide from it, deny that it is there, or try to cover it up with jokes it remains. It still lingers in the back of my mind, showing its face occasionally and then all at once.

I'm sitting here in my bed at 1:40 AM tonight and I don't know why I feel like this tonight, what caused this, what triggered this. All I know is that I hurt, that I want to cut deep. I want to tear my skin off and enjoy the pain. I want to hurt so I can control the hurt I'm feeling. Even though I feel this I know it's twisted, I know this isn't how you are supposed to feel, that something is wrong with me, different that the normal person out there. I just don't know how to fix it. I know how to hide it, I'm pretty good at it. I even hide it from myself, but I always seem to find it again when I least want to, when I least need it. It comes, blaring its fist at me, it's banners raised high, the horses at full speed.

I turn, I run, but I know there is no escaping, this is just foolishness. Trying to make myself believe I can run from it's embrace. I am able to trick myself for a while, but then I start to think, to wonder, to question. I slow down, looking back at it. I am so foolish, what am I doing? I walk towards it, letting it embrace me. Why didn't I do this from the beginning? It's easier, I can understand it better.

It must have been that I, at the time, admitted to another way to now I which deny the existence. Now there is but this course.

I'm sitting here in my bed at 1:49 AM and I refuse want to say that I deserved this, I didn't. I believe that no ones deserve this, consequently I can not deserve this.

I refuse to say I am sorry. I am sorrowed that this will hurt you, that you will feel this pain. However, I am not sorry because I do not want to take this back.

I refuse to say I hate anyone, I love all of you, just not me. I don't know how and I don't think I could ever learn.

I'm sitting here in bed tonight at 1:52 AM saying farewell.

1:53 AM

I love everyone.

Jordan Murphy

Hello Everyone!

I hope you enjoyed that little teaser and that it got you excited for more!

For certain reasons I'm not going to upload this story onto here, Fictionpress, however, you can still read it. IM me your email (sorry if thats to personal) and I will email you the story weekly on a Friday starting as soon as the first person signs up. Any who sign up after that I will send you the past chapters WITH that weeks chapter, so no worries.

Rules That Both You and I Will Follow:

1. Neither of us will share the others email

2. Neither of us will abuse the others email. If this happens I will block you and you will not receive any more of the story.

3. Neither of us will post the story on other websites or in any way plagiarize it.

4. If you see someone has posted or plagiarized this story you will let me know (though email) that this has happened.

Promise from Me:

1. I will send you the story on time every week.

2. If for some reason the story will not come out that week (traveling, sick ect.) I will let you know (unless of internet failure, then I can't do anything so sorry about that.)

3. I will not EVER share you email with anyone.

4. I will NEVER abuse your email.

5. If I abuse your email (Send you inappropriate emails or emails not in concern with the story) you may take action against me.

6. If people start abusing this I will take action. First I will block them. If somehow they or others keep doing it I will stop sending the story and delete the email. You will have ruined it for everyone else so I urge you not to abuse this.

I hope this will work out and that you guys will enjoy this story I have written!

~Naga Sayap