A/N: Um... heyyy... so it's been over a year xD I AM SO SORRY. I never meant to wait so long. Honestly, the wait was so long because I was boycotting this out of spite. I had about 5k of this written just after I finished the last chapter, and then for some reason the document only saved 2k of it, so out of rage I just kind of stopped because I liked what I had written, and then it was gone... and I was so spiteful... xD I'm sorry. Anyway. I do have a few things to address, but I will save it until the end of the chapter, so please bear with me. Thanks.

Also: yes, the chapter title is what you think it is. Sorry.

Chapter length: 7484

Onward!


What the Heart Wants – 8 (The Decline)

"Li-Li!"

Liam's sister clings to her brother as my boyfriend releases a quiet laugh, his arms easily coming around her. She squeezes him tightly, and over his shoulder, she sends me a look, and I wince. I know. I know Liam is pale, and I know he is losing weight. She doesn't need to tell me – I know.

Two weeks ago, Liam was in the hospital, unable to catch his breath, and his heartbeat was… wrong. Off. Fast. Since then, he's been mostly bedridden, though not by the doctors. Instead I force him to stay off his feet as much as possible, and luckily he hasn't argued with me much. I'm not sure how I should feel about that, really. Liam always argues with me over his health, since he hates that I worry.

But he went to the hospital on his own – he made that choice, when I was unavailable for him to call. My phone died while I was at school, and I didn't get home until late. I will never forgive myself for being unavailable when it mattered most. Liam has forgiven me; he's too forgiving. He should hate me.

They sent him home with an oxygen tank, which has barely been used, I'm happy to note. And not because Liam is stubborn about using it, but because he hasn't really had any trouble breathing since he's been back. He's been a little congested – or, he says it feels like he's congested, or has a chest cold – but he takes a hot bath and the steam seems to help him enough that he does not need to use the oxygen.

He's been cold a lot, though; not uncommon in people with heart conditions, I know. Liam has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, or, he only has half a working heart, with the left side underdeveloped.

He will die young.

He knows this. His doctors know this. I know this.

I know this.

I'm not ready to lose you…

I will never be ready.

Liam's sister, Lydia, is standing in front of me now, smiling tentatively. She's usually a bit hyper and not shy about hugging me, or calling me scrumptious. Now she hesitates, and I know it's because she can see the worry etched across my face, that expression I can never seem to clear no matter how much I try, for Liam's sake.

I smile. "Hi, Lydia. Nice of you to join us."

Her smile widens. She is a pretty woman, with medium-length, wavy, brown hair and green eyes very similar to Liam's, but a shade lighter. Her facial structure is much the same, and the way her hair encircles her face is very like my boyfriend's own curly black hair. When Lydia smiles, it brightens the room, and the atmosphere eases.

"I love your new house," she says in that partial accent of hers, just like Liam.

They're from Australia, originally, though they've been in America for a while now. They both still have this faded accent, which is adorable.

Liam and I moved here a few months ago, after a business bought our apartment building and everyone who lived there had to find a new place to call home. Liam said he wanted a house, and not another apartment like we'd originally been planning on getting, and I agreed. It was within our price range, and it's nice having a house with Liam.

We also have a guest room now, which is where Lydia and her husband, Adrian, will be staying while they are here visiting us for the holidays.

Christmas is in two days, after all. Lydia and Adrian have been unable to travel here the past two years due to work and everything. One year, me and Liam went to visit them, and then last year Liam and Lydia exchanged gifts via mail, and spoke on the phone. Liam is excited to have her here this year, especially since we have a new house.

He wants to show it off.

He's like a little kid, that way.

I love him so much.

"I'll show you the guest room," Liam says, capturing Lydia's attention. He leads his sister and brother-in-law out of the room, and the smile drops from my lips, the muscles feeling sore.

I want to smile. It's just hard, when I see the pallor of Liam's skin.

When I know he's lost weight.

His ribs show when he lifts his shirt.

The whiteness of his skin shows off the rings under his eyes from where he is always tired. He gets exhausted so easily, even from walking through the house. He cleans a lot, and did the same before Lydia and Adrian showed up, and it completely exhausted him.

I'm not used to this.

I should be; he's gotten tired easily before, and he's been cold before, but never to this extent… Never this easily… this much…

Liam will die young.

I know it.

The doctors didn't expect him to live past twenty. He's twenty-six now.

That's six extra years of time he didn't expect to have.

But it's not enough. Not enough, because I've only had him for three years, and I'm not ready to lose him yet. I'm not ready for goodbye.

I will never be ready…

I scrub a hand across my face and close my eyes.

Footsteps approach behind me.

A hand, warm and heavy on my shoulder, squeezing tight enough that I feel it.

I have a condition called congenital analgesia, after all; I can't feel physical pain, and it morphed into something worse. I am unable to feel anything but pressure, and light touches are a no-go. I can't feel them at all. Just pressure. Liam is very good at making sure I feel everything he does, though it might look a bit rough to onlookers, but I love that he does this. I love how he adjusts so I can feel it.

I love him.

"They settled in?" I ask my boyfriend.

Liam's green eyes are a little glazed. I know he's tired. "Yeah, they're getting settled in," he replies, sighing.

"That's good. You should lay down."

He scowls, as I knew he would. Somehow, the familiar behavior leaves me smiling. "I'm fine."

And those are his usual words, and they leave me scowling.

You're not, I want to say, but I bite my tongue and nod. He's been good about being coddled these past two weeks, but he has to draw the line somewhere, and he doesn't want to seem weak while his sister is here, which I completely understand.

That doesn't mean I can't suggest it, or still worry.

I will always worry, because I love him.

Worry is one of the hardest things about love.

Once you give into love, it's something you can lose. And you'll hold tight to it as much as you can, because losing it is… no. You can't lose it. You can't.

I can't lose you…

"When does school start back up?"

I inhale slowly, watching Liam as he moves toward the couch to sit down, dragging his feet as he does so. "Mid-January."

"The date, love."

I love when he calls me that.

My eyes fall closed. "January 18th."

"Have you picked your classes yet?"

"Some of them," I sigh. "We'll talk about it later."

I don't want to talk about school. I can't. I haven't told him this yet, but I'm dropping out. Again.

There's no possible way I can be in school when his health is… not as it should be. Sub-par. Failing. I already failed him once by being at school when he needed me; I'm not making that same mistake again.

If I tell him I'm dropping out, though, he will stop me. He will kiss me silent, and tell me he doesn't need me to worry about him so much, and that I need to finish school. He'll tell me I've come this far, and I can't quit now, just because he was in the hospital once. He will tell me everything is fine, and I will believe him because I want to believe him so badly, and then I will stay in school.

And I will fail him again.

And I can't. I can't fail him again. I can't. I have to be here with him.

I can feel his eyes on me, silent and watching, and I know he knows something is amiss, but he says nothing. I sit next to him, and we are wrapped in a comfortable silence as he leans into me.

My arm winds around him, pulling him closer.

"I love you," I tell him softly, as I do a few times a day, as often as I can. I don't know why the words keep tumbling from my lips, but I've no desire to stop them. I do love him, and he needs to know. He deserves to hear the words as often as possible.

"You too, love," he says through a small yawn, his head resting on my shoulder.

I kiss the top of his head. "You can lay down, if you want."

"No, love, I'm fine."

I sigh heavily. "Well, maybe I'm tired."

He stiffens, and turns his head enough to peer at me. "You're tired?"

"A nap sounds good," I tell him honestly.

He chews his lower lip in that adorable manner of his. Finally, he sighs and nods. "Alright, Kevin. Let's take a quick nap, but no more than an hour, okay? We have guests."

I nod, and get to my feet. I grab his arm before he has a chance to protest, and I help him to his feet. I know he is strong enough to do this on his own, but I like helping him. I want to help him. I want to make his life easier in so many ways, and I can't in many of them. This is something I can do.

We enter our bedroom, which is rather large, despite the fact our bed can make it seem small. I do love our bed, though. It's large and comfortable.

We sit on it, and then lay down, and I pull Liam toward me.

He rests next to me, curled into my side, and his eyes fall closed as he yawns again.

"Tell me the truth," I say softly, watching him, "how do you feel?"

His eyes open again, and he blinks at me momentarily. His brows then contort slightly, into a small scowl. "I'm okay. I'm off the oxygen and everything."

I sigh. "I know, Liam. I just…"

I just worry…

"I go back to the doctor after Christmas," he tells me, his hand warm and smooth along the curve of my jaw. I smile and capture his hand, bringing it up to kiss the knuckles.

"I know."

I know when he goes to the doctor. I make sure that is something I do not forget.

"We'll worry about it then," he says softly, and before I can focus too much on the downward twitch of his lips, he's kissing me on the nose and then moving to lay down correctly.

I swallow, hating that I brought it up, but I can't help it. I'm worried, and he's worried, too. He's just as scared as I am, and if it's this bad for me, I can only imagine what it's like for him. I'm afraid of losing him, of seeing him decline, but this is his life, not mine. He has to live with it, and die with it, and it's not fair.

"I love you," I say again.

"You too, Kevin," he says sleepily, eyes already closed, and breathing mostly even, "you too…"

I listen as he sleeps, for a few minutes. My eyes focus on the rise and fall of his chest, and I try not to count his breaths. They are deep and even, and not wrong like they were in the hospital. Things have mostly returned to normal, save for the fact he is still cold a lot, and gets tired so very easily. I wonder if that, too, will go away, and things can be as they were before.

No. They can't, I tell myself, and it's the truth. Things can't go back to how they were before, because now that he's already been in the hospital… I can't leave him. I can't stay in school.

I haven't told him this, and I am not looking forward to that particular conversation.

I exhale, and slip out of bed, though I loathe leaving him. Since his decline, since he was in the hospital, I hate leaving his side, even if it's just for a few minutes. He makes me, of course; I know he hates being babied, hates feeling like a burden. But I can't help it; I need to see, to feel, that he's okay. That he's still with me.

Soon he won't be, a part of me whispers.

I cringe away from those thoughts. Liam helps distract me from them, but during the night, when he sleeps and my head is on his chest and I'm listening to him breathe, my thoughts run rampant and all I can see in my mind is a fresh grave, with disturbed earth on top. The air is wet and the ground is muddy and moist. My face is wet. The headstone is freshly carved.

I swallow, making my way down the hallway, toward the kitchen, forcing the thoughts away. Liam is okay, I tell myself. He's fine.

To my surprise, Lydia is waiting for me in the kitchen. She's sitting at the table with two mugs of coffee. I sit across from her, and take the second mug. She smiles at me, though her expression is tired, and not from lack of sleep.

"You look terrible," she tells me.

"That obvious?" I ask.

"Liam's health is declining."

I exhale loudly, and look down at my mug. "Yeah. Something like that," I force myself to say. It's the first time I've acknowledged the fact out loud, to someone other than myself.

But we all know it's true.

Liam is pale, and tired, and he can't seem to stay warm. All bad signs, I know. Poor circulation is the cause of his chill. He tries to stay awake with me, for me, but inevitably nods off anyway, with his head on my shoulder, or just next to me on the couch while we're watching TV, and then I wake him later for bed. He fights me, then, and says he's not tired, but we both know that's a lie. He's always tired.

It's only going to get worse.

He's not on the oxygen like he was; sometimes it seems like he's doing better, but then he inevitably declines again, and it's so difficult, watching this happen to him. There's nothing I can do about it. I can't help him, other than by being here with him when he needs me. And that's why I have to quit school. I have to be here for him.

"I'm quitting school," I say, without meaning to. My mouth moves on its own, and Lydia stares at me, her coffee mug hesitating at her lips.

She puts the mug down without taking a drink. "I see," she says slowly, watching me carefully. I feel like a child beneath her stare. She sees too much. "And what does Liam have to say about this?"

"He doesn't know," I say, looking away. "I haven't told him yet."

"He's going to argue against you quitting."

We both know that's true. He'll tell me not to put my life on hold for him, but there's no way I can focus while he's… like this. I have to focus on him. I have to be here for him, since I failed him last time.

"I know."

Lydia sighs heavily, shaking her head. "Liam is going to hate this, you know."

I swallow thickly, a lump forever stuck in my throat. "I know."

"I know it's hard, seeing him this way," she says quietly, and I glance at her. She's not looking at me anymore, but is instead staring down at the coffee in her mug, watching the steam rise slowly, as her fingers curl around the outer edge of the mug, warming her hands. "I know how you feel. It's hard. It's always been hard. But life goes on, and Liam hates being a burden. If you quit school… if you put your life on hold for him…" She exhales loudly, shaking her head. She brings the mug to her lips briefly, taking a small sip of the coffee, before she puts it back down, her hands still around it. She still won't look at me, gaze focused on the coffee. "He's going to hate it. He's going to fight you on it. He doesn't want to be a burden."

"But I can't leave him while he's…" I trail off there, but we both know how that sentence ends. It hangs between us for a moment.

"Right," Lydia says, sighing again. "That. Look, I know my brother. I know his condition. I've lived with him and it for my whole life; I understand how difficult it is, for both him and everyone around him." She looks at me, then, eyes holding my own. "But if you treat him like he's made of glass and act like he'll break at any moment… then he'll shatter."

I swallow thickly, around that lump still in my throat. "But I can't just… just keep going to school, not after all that's happened."

"Don't put your life on hold, Kevin. Liam would never want that."

I look away, breaking eye contact.

I know Liam won't like me quitting school, and I know he doesn't want me to put my life on hold because of him… but he has to understand that I can't just focus on other things while he's… not at his best. While he's unhealthy.

I can him hear him in my head now, arguing that he's always unhealthy. That it's part of life, and we both knew this was coming. We both knew this would happen one day.

I just didn't think it would be so soon. I prayed it wouldn't be so soon.

We have no guarantee he is showing signs, of course. No guarantee he is showing signs of his heart failing. He says it's just a hiccup. He has a doctor's appointment after the holidays, and we will learn more then. He will tell me not to jump to conclusions, and not to think about quitting school.

I drag a hand across my face, sighing. I don't know what to do anymore.

"Just take it slow," Lydia says. "Don't do anything you'll regret. Liam wants you to stay in school, Kevin. I know you're worried about him – I am too – but he wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. He wouldn't want you to worry like this."

"I know," I say quietly.

Taking it slow is all we can do for now. We won't learn anything new until after the holidays, so for now, we should enjoy them. I will try, for Liam's sake, but I'm too worried to truly enjoy anything. How can I enjoy the holidays, when this might very well be our last Christmas together? Our last New Year's? Our last anniversary?

The knot in my stomach grows, and suddenly it's in my throat and I can't breathe. It's too much. It's all too much and this room is so small and suffocating, and-

"Breathe, Kevin," Lydia says, suddenly right next to me. I look over and she's kneeling next to me, her hands on my arm, attempting to center me and ground me to the present. "Don't worry about the future right now. That's it. Calm down, just breathe. There you go. In, out."

Soon, I have my breathing under control again. I shrug off her hold, looking away, ashamed. I'm not the one who has a weak heart. I'm not the one who is sick. I have no right to feel so… unbalanced. So out of place. So off.

Liam is the one who is sick, not me.

That doesn't mean I suffer any less, though. What he goes through, I go through with him.

"Kevin? Are you okay?"

That's Liam's voice.

My head shoots up, and there he is, standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. There are rings around his eyes, evidence of his exhaustion, and his clothes don't fit as well as they used to. He always wore hoodies, but right now he is wearing only his long-sleeved shirt and sweat pants, and they are both baggy on him, hanging off him. His skin is sickly pale and I hate it.

I push to my feet. "What are you doing up? I thought you were sleeping."

"I thought you were sleeping," he replies, frowning at me. "You look like hell. Are you okay?"

I look like hell?

You look worse.

"I'm fine," I say, because he really needs to stop worrying about me. I need to stop worrying him, because that can't be good for him. The stress can't be good for him. I need to get myself under control, pull myself together, and stay strong for him. "How are you?"

"I'm good," he says, gaze flickering toward his sister.

Lydia walks past me, patting her brother on the shoulder. "I'm going to take a nap, it was a long drive here," she says, offering him a warm smile. "Talk to you later, Li-Li."

He nods at her and then she leaves the room and it's just the two of us.

I swallow, watching him as he pushes off the doorframe and joins me at the table. He sits, but I stay standing, uncertain as to what I should do. I should get him a blanket, or a cup of coffee, anything to make him more comfortable. I move to do exactly that but he grabs my wrist and pulls me down into the seat next to him. I sit, frowning at him.

"Talk to me," he says quietly, those tired green eyes watching me carefully.

"About what?" I ask.

He scowls, brows pulling together somewhat. "Don't play dumb, Kevin. There's something you're not saying. Talk to me."

I sigh heavily, looking away. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to worry you."

"Of course you worry me," he says, causing me to flinch. "That's what relationships are. I worry because I care. Now tell me what's bothering you."

"We'll… talk about it later," I say.

"Kevin."

"I promise," I tell him, looking him in the eye. "We'll discuss it after the holidays. I'll tell you everything. Right now, let's just… enjoy the season. Okay?"

He watches me for a long moment, before he finally nods. "Alright."

"Thank you. Are you hungry? Thirsty? Cold?"

I push to my feet, but he yanks me back down again, scowling at me once more.

"Stop that," he says somewhat sharply.

I frown. "Stop what?"

"Doting on me," he says. "Stop treating me like I'll break. I'm the same as I was a month ago, Kevin."

No, you're really not.

A month ago he was healthy. Everything was perfect.

Now…

His eyes narrow. "Stop that."

"I'm sorry."

"I know my health is… declining."

While we both know it's the truth, it still hurts to hear him say it. To hear those words come from his mouth. I look away.

"I know that," he says, and I can feel his gaze on me. "I know I look like shit, but so do you. And I know that's because you're worrying about me. I appreciate it, I really do, but please stop. We…" He exhales loudly. "We knew this day would come eventually, but it's not hopeless yet. They said I could recover."

Could.

I flinch, unable to stop myself in time. His hand is warm on my wrist, grounding me.

"Look at me, Kevin."

It takes longer than it should, but finally my eyes raise and I focus on him again.

He smiles. "We'll get through this, okay?"

I nod, and then he's getting to his feet, dragging me up as well.

"Good. Let's take a shower."

I smile faintly, because we used to do that all the time, shower together and everything. It was so perfect. But things have changed recently, and I'm worried he'll get dizzy in the shower, or slip and fall, or-

"Stop that," he says, without even looking at me as he drags me through the house, toward the bathroom.

I sigh, and stop. For now.

Instead of worrying, I focus on the here and now. I focus on his warm body under the spray of water in the shower. I focus on his eyes forever watching me. I focus on his hands on my body, familiar and certain.

I ignore how thin he's gotten. I ignore the rings under his eyes. I ignore the rush of his breath.

For now.

xXx

That night I dream of fresh graves and chiseled stone.

Of disturbed earth and people clad in black.

Of coffins and sermons.

Of a too-slack face which does absolutely nothing when I kiss it.

I wake a pitiful mess, drenched in cold sweat and a scream ready on my lips, but I swallow it back and thankfully haven't woken Liam yet. I hold him to me, listening to him breathe, and stay there even though I know there will no more sleep for me tonight.

xXx

Liam does a little better, the closer it gets to Christmas. He's not as pale as he has been, but he's still cold all the time, and his breaths are still a little quick for my liking, but he looks a little better. The rings under his eyes aren't as dark as they have been, mostly because he's regained a little of his color.

I try to focus on the positives, because I don't want Liam to worry about me. If I worry, he worries.

I try to stay positive.

Lydia asks me about my classes, subtly trying to hint that I need to stay in them. That that's what Liam would want. I avoid her gaze, and promise myself I'll tell him after the holidays, but he doesn't need to worry right now. Right now, he needs to just relax and celebrate Christmas. He likes Christmas.

It's Christmas Eve now, and we're getting ready for bed. Lydia and her husband went to bed an hour ago, but Liam wanted to stay up. He's not quite pale like he has been, but his eyes keep darting around like he's anxious, and it worries me. When we climb into bed, he says he's going to read for a bit but I can go to sleep. His blinks are getting longer, and I know he is exhausted, but for some reason he's fighting it.

"What is it?" I finally demand, watching him.

He sighed, looking away. "I just… feel… weird," he finally says, slowly.

"Weird?" I ask, a knot in my stomach. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know. I just feel weird. I can't place it."

"Are you… dizzy?"

"Not really."

"Nauseous?" I ask.

"Not really."

"Chest hurt?"

"Not really," he replies again.

I sigh heavily. "Then what are you feeling?"

"I don't know," he says with a frown which makes me uneasy. "I just feel weird. It's not really something I can explain. I just feel really weird."

"How long have you felt this way?" I ask, the uneasiness swimming through me.

"I don't know – a few hours?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, hurt that he's just now mentioning it. He's not supposed to keep things from me, especially when he's not… 100%.

He shrugs helplessly, still looking away. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say. It's just weird, not really anything else. I just… feel off."

"Maybe we should go to the hospital," I say quietly, aware that it's not something he wants to hear, but I have to suggest it anyway. I worry about him, so much, and this is just making me worry more. I don't know what 'feeling weird' means in terms of his condition, but I'm certain it can't be good.

His expression contorts into a scowl. "No."

"Liam…"

"I'm okay," he says, looking at me finally. "I'm okay, just… feel a little weird. I'm sure it will pass."

"Have you ever felt this way before?" I ask.

"Occasionally…" he admits, looking away again, and hurt flits through me again, an entirely non-physical pain.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was only for a few minutes," he says softly, like a chastised child. I hate that I've made him sound that way, but I still feel almost betrayed that he would keep a symptom from me. "I mean, it's ridiculous, right? Just feeling weird? It was always just for a few minutes and then it would pass and I'd be fine. But tonight… it's just… lasting…"

"We're going to the hospital," I say.

He scowls at me. "Kevin, no. I'm okay."

"You're not," I tell him, and then wince. "Baby, I know you don't want to worry me, but you have to tell me about these things in the future, okay? And if it usually only lasts a few minutes and it's lasted hours now… then something could be wrong."

Already my mind is spinning with the implications, the possibilities. I need to take him to the hospital. I need to make sure he's safe, that he's really okay. I won't be able to relax if he's not okay.

"We're going," I say, getting to my feet. Earlier I shed my clothing save for my boxers, but now I pull on jeans and a shirt, and I'm almost done pulling on my socks when Liam puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing enough that I feel it.

"Love," he says softly, his breath warm in my ear as he nuzzles my neck. "I'm okay. If I still feel this way tomorrow, then we'll go. But right now, I'm fine, I just feel weird."

I hesitated. I know he doesn't like hospitals, and he thinks he's okay, but…

But he's promised we'll go tomorrow if he still feels this way, and I plan on holding him to that promise. I don't want to drag him there against his will, but now he's offering to go tomorrow if he still feels the same, and that leaves a new knot forming in my stomach. Liam never offers to go to the hospital. Something's wrong.

He pulls me toward him. I'm stiff at first, unwilling to give an inch, but in the end I collapse into him because that's what I'll always do. His lips are warm against my neck, my ear, my cheek, my own lips. He kisses everywhere, little quick pressure points along my neck and face, and he's whispering soothing words the whole time. This is completely backward; I should be the one comforting him, but yet there he is, telling me he's fine and it'll be okay come morning, telling me to relax.

I do relax, because my body is so in tune with his voice and his touches, even if I can't feel absolutely everything. I relax into him, and exhale quietly.

"I love you," I tell him, because I'll never be able to tell him enough.

"I know you do," he says, mouth against my collarbone now. He lifts his head, and smiles at me, and he's so completely perfect in that moment, despite the rings under his eyes. "I love you, too. I always will."

And then his mouth is capturing my own again, and I'm lost in the bliss that is Liam.

xXx

I don't remember falling asleep, but I wake later to someone shaking me.

Liam's voice penetrates my mind before my eyes can blink the sleep away. "Kevin."

"Yeah?" I mumble sleepily, yawning as my eyes focus. It's morning, with sunlight filtering into the room. Liam is partially blocking it as he sits next to me, leaning over me.

"I need you to take me to the hospital."

It takes a long time for those words to penetrate my mind. A very long time. Not because I can't understand him, but because my mind refuses to let me realize what this means. If he's telling me to take him to the hospital, then he is so very far away from 'fine'…

Panic claws my chest. I'm up in an instant, throwing on my shoes despite the fact I only have one sock on, and then I'm spinning to face Liam again, who sits on the edge of the bed looking completely sick.

He's pale again, his eyes are dark, and the rings under his eyes are more prominent now. He's also holding himself hunched over a little, and his breaths are these quick, short gasps.

Panic mingles with terror, encircling my heart and clenching tightly. "Oh, God," I manage to say, reaching for him. "Stay with me."

I help him out of the room, and then out of the house. The car is just a few feet away when Liam collapses, his legs giving way, and I nearly don't catch him. I manage to catch him just in time, though, and I cradle him to me, attempting to reign in my rampant, panicking thoughts.

No. No, no, no. Please.

Please, I can't. I can't lose him. Please stop.

There's a sob lodged in the back of my throat, but I swallow it back and hold Liam to me as I push back to my feet, bringing him with me. He struggles to walk on his own, to move his legs, but he looks and sounds exhausted, and out of breath.

We finally get to the car, and I help him into the passenger seat.

Stay with me. Please stay with me.

I hurry around toward my side once he's all buckled in, and then we peel out of the driveway. I'm barely aware of the lights, cars, and signs passing us by. All I can focus on is Liam, and the way his breath is ragged and harsh, like he can't quite catch his breath. Fear rolls violently in my stomach, and I grit my teeth against the bile rising in my throat.

"Stay with me," I find myself whispering again, under my breath, as I shoot frantic looks Liam's way, struggling to divide my attention between the road and him.

"Not going anywhere, Love," he says quietly, with a weak attempt at a smile, and God but I love him for it. I love him for smiling when my mind is a frantic mess. It calms me somewhat, allows me to push the panic aside so I can focus.

We make it to the hospital quickly enough, and I help Liam inside. The receptionist at the front desk looks up, peering at me over the rim of her glasses.

"How can I help you?" the woman, Jenny according to her name badge, asks gently, looking between the two of us. Liam's arm is slung around my shoulders, my arm around his waist as I hold him to me and help hold him up. He keeps sagging downward nevertheless, his legs refusing to cooperate with him.

Stay with me. Please.

"He has heart issues," I say, gesturing at Liam with a jut of my chin, "and he's having…"

He's having symptoms.

The panic is back, but I push it back aside for now. I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll lose it, and I need to be strong for Liam. I can't make this about me, this is about him and only him.

I swallow back the lump of panic turned to terror, and listen as the receptionist taps away at her keyboard.

"If you could take a seat in the waiting room, the doctor will be right with you," she says, briefly glancing up away from the computer screen. The flickering images reflect in her glasses.

"But it's an emergency," I say, frowning.

"Someone will be out to collect you shortly," she promises with a smile, while simultaneously handing me a clipboard full of paperwork. If there was thing I learned about dealing with Liam's condition, it was all the paperwork. Every doctor's visit had new paperwork, and of course the hospitals, too.

Right now, I don't have time for this. We don't have time for this.

"He needs seen right now," I say, staring at her, even as Liam tugs on my hand, pulling me away from her desk and toward the waiting area. I want to argue, but she's not looking at me anymore. I sigh, and give into Liam's tugs, and we sit in two of the chairs. I start filling out the paperwork while Liam tries to get comfortable, but it's obvious he can't. He's pale, with rings around his eyes, and his lips have a faint blue hue to them. I try not to look at him too hard because then I keep noticing more details, and I worry more, but it's hard not to look at him because I'm worried.

Please be okay.

He has to be okay. I need him to be okay.

Please just be okay.

In my haste to get him here, I belatedly realize I didn't tell Lydia where we were going. She and her husband were asleep when we left, and I didn't bother to wake them, as they were the furthest thing from my mind at the time. Now I pull my phone out to call them, but Liam puts a hand on my wrist, stopping me. His eyes are dark when he looks at me, and I hate it.

"No need to worry them," he says.

"Liam…"

This is something to worry about.

He smiled tiredly. "It might be nothing. Just exhaustion or something. We'll call them later if we need to."

He tries to be optimistic, but I can hear the worry in his voice nevertheless, weighing it down. I swallow and nod, acquiescing to his wishes like I always do. I can't deny him anything right now.

I try not to think about it. We're just here for a normal visit. I'm filling out paperwork for a check-up, not an ER visit. I'm here in the waiting room for my peace of mind, not because Liam asked to come here.

The doctors said he should be okay if he took it easy for a few days. He might feel tired and cold for a few weeks, but they said he should be okay. He took it easy. I made sure he took it easy. So why is he like this now? Why is he only getting worse?

You have to be okay…

I need him to be okay. I can't lose him.

I've always known that's a possibility; I've known his heart was bad since he told me after we got together, but this… I always tried to shove this from my mind. I always tried to ignore it, and I guess somewhere along the way, that became real. This wasn't possible. And now… now it is possible, it's happening, and I'm so worried he's finally showing signs even though they said he should be okay after a few days.

"Liam Jones?"

The voice startles me from my worried thoughts, and I look up to watch Liam stand and move away from me, toward the nurse waiting for him in the doorway with a clipboard. I want to get up and follow him, but the look he gives me is clear: he needs to do this alone. He wants to do this alone.

I stay where I am as he disappears through the door, and I continue filling out the paperwork.

xXx

It's a good two hours before I hear anything about Liam. I have completed the paperwork and given it to the receptionist, and I have spent a long time pestering her about Liam's health, but she has no answers for me. She assures me that as soon as she learns something, she will let me know.

"Kevin Anders?" a female voice asks, and I look up to see the same nurse that took Liam back, now searching the room for me. I swallow and push to my feet, and her gaze locks onto me. Her smile is warm. "Mr. Anders?"

"That's me," I tell her.

"If you could follow me this way, please."

She leads, and I follow, because that was never really in question. She's leading me to Liam.

We walk down a brightly lit hallway, past a few other nurses and patients and rooms, until we finally stop at a doorway. She knocks twice, then pushes the door open and allows me entrance. I step inside, and there's Liam.

He's sitting on the bed in the room, his thumbs nervously chasing circles around each other in his lap, and he looks up as I approach him. His look says everything I don't want to hear. My legs shake, and I sit in the chair next to the bed, staring at him, willing his expression to change. It doesn't.

"What can we do?" I ask around the lump in my throat.

"There are options," Liam says quietly.

"Tell me."

"They're…" He shakes his head. "They're only temporary, Kevin."

I swallow thickly, the reflex painful. "Tell me."

If temporary means I get to keep him longer, I'll do everything temporary available.

Vaguely, I'm aware of the door closing, the nurse leaving us alone. I can't remember if she said anything or not prior to leaving; her voice didn't register if she did. All of my attention is on Liam, anyway. Always on him.

"They want to put a stint in," he says softly. "To help blood flow. It won't last, but it might… hold for a while."

"How long is a while?" I force myself to ask, though the voice speaking sounds nothing like me.

"Six months to a year," he replies.

I nod. "That. Let's do that."

Just let me keep you.

I love him. I can't lose him. I can't.

"Even if that works," he says, frowning as he looks away, "there's a high chance of infection with the way my… body is right now. They said without intervention…"

"How long?" I force out again, though that's an answer I don't want to know.

"A few months," he murmurs, still looking away. I'm glad he's looking away, because he can't see me flinch. "At the most."

I inhale slowly. "The stint. We'll do the stint. What else did they say?"

"I need a heart transplant."

I finch again.

"It's not news, right?" he continues. "I mean – we've known that all along. But now it's… necessary."

Now it's vital.

We're running out of time.

I can't lose him.

I can't lose all the little moments with him.

Waking up next to him, the way he smiles at me after a long day, the way he curls into me for warmth, the way we have movie nights and fix popcorn, how he says my name, how he calls me 'love'…

I'm not ready. I won't ever be ready. Not for this.

Please, not this.

But he's right. This isn't news. We knew this was coming. We knew all along this would happen one day, that he'd start showing signs and his health would rapidly decline. We always knew it would end this way. We always knew he needed a new heart.

We also always knew that when it came down to it… hardly anyone got the new heart when they needed it. Hearts were rare. Conditions had to be just right. Someone else had to die with their heart intact. Their hearts had to be healthy. There was always a long waiting list.

"I'm sorry."

I look up, and find Liam looking at me again. There's this tortured furrow to his brows, and I hate it. "Don't be sorry," I tell him. "None of this is your fault, and I won't have you apologize for… our time together." I swallow thickly. "I love you."

"I love you too," he says, eyes misting again.

I move so I'm sitting next to him on the bed, and pull him toward me. He sinks into my arms, exhaling shakily. He's scared, and we both know it. We're both scared.

"What a shitty Christmas," he murmurs with a forced laugh, into my shoulder.

I tighten my hold on him. "We'll have to make next year's better."

The sound he releases isn't a laugh or a sob but is caught somewhere in-between, and we just hold onto each other.


A/N: And there's that chapter. I'm honestly not too sure about it, kept debating on if I wanted to delete the whole thing and start over or if I wanted it to go a different way... but in the end I just kept it and here it is. Finally. Again, sorry about the wait. I never meant for that to happen. Also, I promised a few notes, so here we go.

The 'feeling weird' bit:

I added this because my mom has had heart attacks and has a bad heart, and she has times where she just 'feels really weird'. She can't explain what's wrong, just that she feels weird. So, I added it here for Liam.

How this will end:

I was letting you guys decide on happy or realistic. However, I'm going to have 2 separate endings: you can pick which one you want as canon. In one ending, you'll have your happiness; in the other, you'll have cruelty and reality.

Why multiple endings?:

Because I'm an asshole. Also, I have a lot of ideas for this, and some of them involve the 'bad' ending. So, there you go. So I'm just going to have two endings. Read at your own risk, you've been warned. I'll let you know in the top A/N if it's the good or bad ending.

I'll also have more notes at the very, very end of this story, probably as their own separate chapter, for anyone who is willing to read them, or wants to know more about Kevin and Liam. Thank you for following them this far, I truly appreciate it. I hope I haven't disappointed you.

~Averick~