Chapter Sixteen

Christmas was one of my favorite times of the year. Growing up, my parents went all out for every holiday and birthday, but Christmas especially was a time they tried to make one of the best days for me and my siblings. Everyone's first Christmas as a Malone was photographed and on display in my parents' living room. I'm the only one as a red-faced baby – back then I was not about the holiday spirit – and my brothers and sisters' photos ranged from children to teens. We did the whole thing from smearing each other's faces with icing that was supposed to cement structurally unsound gingerbread buildings to ugly sweaters and obnoxious headbands to planting mistletoe if someone brought a significant other over at any point during the holiday season. The tree was up the second it was December and it was always a family affair to decorate the house with mom – and when he joined our family, Mitch – baking cookies and making hot chocolate and apple cider.

I was leaving for my parents' on the twenty-second but before that was the studio holiday party on the solstice. It was going to be at the studio and all of us bringing in something. I was going to bring a lemon raspberry cake that was a Malone family recipe fine-tuned and perfected by Mitch. No one could hope to make it as well as he could but it was always a knockout and fairly easy to make. I was looking forward to having it in just over a week.

It had also been almost a week since I saw Dan and since I was going to be gone for almost two weeks right after, I texted him, asking if he was free that Sunday. He had said he was and asked if I were sure, and I replied with exclamation marks and smiley face emojis saying he was more than welcome to come and didn't even have to bring anything.

The holiday party was pretty much the same as our potluck Thanksgivings but at the studio and we tended to invite a few more people, close friends and family if they were in the area, since there was more space. It wasn't at all strange to invite Dan to come as my plus one.

But I couldn't kid myself. I was nervous inviting Dan, even through text. The holiday party was an excuse to see him. So when he said yes, I was grinning like an idiot on one of my last days at work before the holidays.

"Mr. Malone's got a date!"

It was towards the end of the day and I was with my kid's art class. We were playing with watercolor and everyone was absorbed in chatting about the holidays, being off from school, and whatever they were painting.

"What?" I blinked, looking up from my phone. The kids were watching me and but I didn't know who had called me out. They'd already lost interest in me, however, and talked in their little groups.

"My brother makes the same face whenever he's texting his new girlfriend."

"Oh! My brother has it when his best friend comes over!"

"My sister makes it too whenever she goes to basketball practice."

Things were getting out of control very quickly, the kids excited to talk about the love lives of their siblings, friends, and even parents. We had another ten minutes or so before class was over so I clapped my hands together to get everyone's attention. "Okay, guys. Start thinking about cleaning up. You can gossip about love lives later, okay?"

For the most part, that put a stall to the topic, but kids can clean and talk at the same time. And when they were done, they had to wait for their parents to pick them up and I was ambushed about my date.

"I'm not going on a date," I said, again. They hadn't listened the prior times. "I was just happy that one of my friends can come to a party. Aren't you guys happy when your friends can come and hang out with you?"

That got most of them off my back since they started talking about playdates and parties they had coming up and thankfully parents started to arrive and take their children home. I chatted a bit with some of the parents and wished everyone happy holidays and New Year since I wasn't going to see most of them until after I got back from my holiday and the studio was open again.

When all my students were gone I stuck around the studio to get some personal work done before going home. Yvette was around but after he classes were over she swung around to say hi but she had a blind date and needed to go home and get ready. I ended up staying until the studio closed, and helped Xiao close up before heading home.

When I got home I was too restless to just sit still and ended up in bed with a sketchpad and a show queued up on my laptop, taking a break to cook up something for dinner before returning to graphite and Netflix. By the time I was getting droopy-eyed and ready to sleep, I'd drawn a highly detailed portrait of Dan with that soft little smile he doesn't wear often enough.

Morning nearing early afternoon of the twenty-first I was in the kitchen folding frozen raspberries into a vanilla lemon cake mix, the room warm as my oven preheated. Lemon, vanilla, and raspberries, a perfect mix. Mitch's recipe leans to lemon since all the Malones love their citrus, but Natasha's not one for sour things and has been especially against limes and lemons lately so I cut back on the number of lemons I bought the day before. My phone was a little flour covered from going back and forth to check Mitch's recipe and from texting Yvette and the studio group chat. The party was for five and we were making sure no one was doubling up on food or drinks. Brent (with Meagan) and I were on dessert, Yvette on drinks, and Xiao, Natasha and Nathaniel, and Shana on food. I was looking forward to Xiao's homemade char siu bao and marinated beef and pepper skewers.

While the cake was in the oven I worked on the icing and cleaned up the kitchen until the cake was cooked all the way through. I left it to cool and got ready, returning to coat it icing and slide it into the fridge until Yvette came by to pick me up.

She texted me when she was out front and I was careful with my cake and guitar as I got in and she drove us to the studio. We were going to be a bit early to help set up. Dan said he would meet us there. When we reached the studio, Xiao, Brent, Meagan were already there. Shana was on her way and Natasha and Nathaniel would be running a little late.

Meagan hugged me hello and was introduced to Yvette. She helped Yvette with the drinks, staples of beer, wine, and soda. Meagan had also brought her own stock of drinks to make apple cider mules, she even got non-alcoholic ginger beer to make virgin cocktails. Xiao and I shifted the couches and chairs around the reception to create a space for everyone, and Brent set up speakers and started a holiday playlist.

"I love your cake, Lesley," Xiao said as I helped her bring out a table from one of the classrooms so we could use it as a buffet table. Her eyes were on said cake I carefully set at the end, next to Brent's sugar cookies. "But I can't imagine how good the original is."

"Mitch's is pretty amazing. I can't wait to go home and see everyone." I was also kind of looking forward to the drive. I didn't go for long drives all that much on my bike, really only going back and forth from my parents' house and my apartment. A couple times soon after I had gotten my bike I drove out to see Tila when she went to Yale for law school. I had briefly dated one of her roommates' younger brother who was my age.

When we'd pretty much finished setting up, Natasha and Nathaniel showed up with Shana minutes after. Meagan went through more introductions and I kept busy by helping lay out the new food.

"Is Dan still coming?" Shana asked me and I silently thanked her.

"Uh, last I checked, yeah. I'll text him," I said. My phone was in my hand and open to my messages barely a second later.

He didn't reply immediately and neither ten then fifteen minutes later. His read receipts were on and he hadn't even seen my texts. I was worried and it was obvious to all my friends.

"C'mon, if he doesn't reply in another fifteen give him a call. Maybe he's driving," Yvette said, corralling me towards the wine.

I took the liberally filled glass she poured me and did my best to relax but my phone was a burning, silent presence in my pocket. I kept waiting for it to buzz but there was nothing. Fifteen minutes later on the dot, I set my glass down and went off towards the doors to ring him.

My first call rang and rang until it cut off to the factory voicemail message. I almost call again straight away, but saw a shadow by the glass doors.

"Dan!" I tried not to rush, but my walk was probably more brisk than normal as I went up to him, holding the door open as he traded the winter chill for the studio's heating. He loosened the scarf wrapped snuggly around his neck and shifted the bag on his arm.

When he met my eyes, he smiled hesitantly. "Hi. Sorry I'm late there was some delay with the subway."

"Oh," I sighed in relief. "I was getting a bit worried. Did you get my texts?"

Dan frowned and dug a hand into his pocket. His furrow grew deeper and he patted himself down. Realization flooded his features and he groaned. "Shit. I forgot my phone. It's charging next to my bed, I was running late as it was and forgot to grab it. I'm sorry."

I waved off his apology. "Don't worry about it. At least you know where it is." To distract him, I gestured to the bag.

"I brought, uh, bacon turnovers."

"Sounds delish." I took the bag from him and showed him where to hang his coat and scarf and led him to the party. Yvette and Shana engulfed Dan in hugs and I introduced him to Nathaniel and Xiao, the last of my friends he hadn't yet met. Now that everyone had arrived, we all lined up to pile our plates.

"Oh my god, Dan, these are so good!" Brent said biting into one of the turnovers. "Did you make these?"

Had Dan's hand been free, I bet he would have rubbed the back of his neck. Instead he froze in the middle of helping himself to a steamed bun. "Uh, yeah."

I had grabbed one as well and took a bite off my plate. It was still a bit warm so Dan must have just made them before leaving his apartment. "God, if I knew you were a good cook, I never would have subjected you to my cooking," I told him, mouth still full. I was going to grab more of those turnovers before everyone else swiped the Tupperware box clean.

Pink-cheeked, Dan shook his head. "I liked your cooking."

"Wait until I'm serving you anything other than breakfast," I warned.

Shana whistled. "Making breakfast often then, Les?"

I rolled my eyes at her and didn't respond, instead finishing off the turnover and going for three more. Meagan asked around for who wanted mules. She made virgins for herself and Natasha, while the rest of us got vodka and alcoholic ginger beer. We all took seats at the various chairs and couches Xiao and I set up. Natasha, Nathaniel, and Shana took the biggest couch, Brent and Meagan the loveseat, Yvette and Dan an armchair each, and Xiao and I plopped ourselves into beanbag chairs. Xiao set herself between Shana and Yvette, and I was between Yvette and Dan. We made a somewhat clunky oval-ish circle.

"So, anything we're cheers-ing to?" Xiao asked once we all received a mule.

"A good year, a good new year, and good company," Shana said. "New friends, and all this great food and drink they've provided."

We laughed and clinked glasses with those near us. Meagan's mules were delicious and so was the food everyone brought. Meagan and Dan were grilled by everyone, being the new additions this year. I was worried they would all be too much for Dan, but he was smiling and ended up in an in-depth discussion about astronomy with Shana and Natasha.

"I took astronomy in high school and for my science requirements in college," Dan said.

I was content to listen to Dan talk about his classes and college days. Champagne and the mule was getting to my head, making me feel a little fuzzy in that pleasantly buzzed sort of way. I was affectionate by nature, and surrounded by my friends, alcohol only encouraged my touchy-feely tendencies. Sitting by Dan's legs, it was only natural that I'd lean into the solid length of warmth, cushioning my cheek against his upper calf, the side of my head resting against his knee. He broke off from his descriptions of one of the labs he had done for his college astronomy class and I grinned up at him when he looked down at me, startled. Surprise tentatively turned into a smile and he picked back up on his story.

I may have dozed for a bit, just listening to chatter and laughter, and it was because I was leaning against Dan's leg that I knew that somewhere between astronomy and a burger place that has inedible burgers but amazing milkshakes talk took a bad turn. Dan tensed under my cheek and when I looked up, he wasn't soft and comfortable like he had been. The lines of his face were rigid and his skin had paled. The set of his mouth was brittle as he tried to smile.

"They, uh, no. I don't see them often. Haven't since I left for college and moved here. Uh, sorry. I—where's the bathroom?"

Everyone but Meagan pointed and called out directions in unison. We had a bathroom on every floor around the middle of the hallway between the classrooms. Dan set his glass and plate on the floor and dislodged my head from his leg, just short of running out of the room.

"I'll make sure he gets the right door," I said, and got to my feet. I caught Yvette's eye and shook my head at her concerned look. "Be right back."

Instead of the bathroom, I managed to catch Dan slipping into the first room, one of the art rooms. When I quietly peeked my head, I found him sitting on the floor in the corner, barely lit from the hallway lights. His knees were up, hugged to his chest, and his face was bent between the peaks. He didn't look up as I slowly closed the door and came up to him.

"Can I sit with you?" I asked softly, my voice barely much more than a whisper.

For a while Dan didn't respond, but then his head shifted against his knees, a nod. I sat against the wall just a few inches from him, legs sprawled out front and my hands clasped in my lap even though they wanted to stroke his hair or rub his back.

"I thought I'd be fine." Dan's words were strained, came out choked. I wanted to touch him, comfort him, support him the only way I could.

"Would you be comfortable if I put my arm around you?" I asked.

Like before, he didn't react for a long few seconds, but then he lifted his head and turned to look at me. He hesitated but nodded, stiff and as tense as his voice. I slowly wrapped my arm around his shoulders, gently pulled him into my side as I shifted to close the distance. He set his head against my shoulder and closed his eyes, letting out a harsh, ragged breath. I gently rubbed his arm as he tried to get a hold of his breathing, silent until he wanted to talk, if he wanted to talk. I could almost hear his mind whirring in the silence.

After a few moments he inhaled sharply and started to pull away from me. "I'm sorry, I'm ruining everything. I shouldn't have come."

"What? No, Dan, you're fine!" I wanted to stop him from leaving. Leaving my arms, leaving the present to whatever it is that traps his mind. "I wanted you to come. I wanted to see you." But he didn't hear me, I could tell. He was breathing quickly, face pale, eyes unfocused.

"Dan, Dan, Dan, hey, Dan, baby, listen to me," I rushed, my voice low. I was just barely holding back from touching him, hands hovering by his shoulders. "Hey, c'mon, you're okay. Remember your exercises? The ones Miranda told you to practice? You mentioned some to me last time, right?"

I thought I was getting somewhere with him. He was looking at me at least, and blinking, his breaths less rushed.

"Yeah, hey," I said. I tried to remember what they were, remembering something about senses. "There's the countdown of senses one, yeah?"

When he gave me a nod I almost sagged in relief.

"Right, okay. Count out some with me?" He gave me another tentative nod. "Great. Okay, give me five things you can see. Anything."

A shaky breath. He spaced out his list. "Chairs. Easels. Um, the door. Windows. And, uh." He sniffled, wiped his face, and blinked at me. "And you."

"And four things you can touch," I encouraged, smiling.

"The floor." Dan spread his fingers out on the wood paneling. Since he'd moved out of my embrace, my hand was lying against the floor between us. He inched his hand to mine, bumping our fingers together. I turned my hand over and he put his hand in mine, loosely interlocking our fingers. "Your hand." He was staring at me and I couldn't look away even if I wanted to. His eyes went from our hands to up my body to my face. He shifted, turning his body to face me more directly and brought his other hand up. "Your face," he said and I nodded without thinking, letting Dan palm my cheek. I was pretty sure I stopped breathing for a second. His palm was warm, a little dry, but soft. He slid his hand down my face and rested it against my chest. There was no doubt he could feel the heavy pounding of my heart. "And your chest."

I almost couldn't get my throat to work. "And, uh, three sounds."

Here, Dan closed his eyes. He grew more confident as he listed, coming up with things faster, with less hesitation. "Everyone talking at the party, my heart, your breathing."

My breathing was a shallow, hitched thing at that moment. "Two smells?"

Eyes still closed he took a few deep breaths. A hint of a glass smile fought its way to his mouth. "Paint. And…mint? Your shampoo?" He opened his eyes then and I nodded. He was so close. One hand was still loosely clasped in mine and his other was a solid weight on my chest.

"An, uh, last one." I couldn't remember, couldn't focus.

Dan finished for me. "Taste. One taste."

His eyes were darker, black coffee to their usual hot chocolate and they moved to linger at my mouth. His own was parted and I could feel his breath like whisper. I shouldn't, I couldn't, but I when Dan tilted forward, I closed my eyes and pressed into the kiss he gave me. It was only a press, mouth to mouth, but Dan sighed, his hand in mine squeezing and the other that was on my chest clenched in my shirt, holding on. I squeezed his hand and he opened his mouth, licked at my lips, tentatively, questioningly. He was like a stray kitten who didn't know if it was safe, allowed, but wanting enough to trust, to try.

I opened up to him out of selfishness and he let me taste him. He'd been in the middle of a large slice of my cake. Lemon and raspberries and vanilla buttercream with hints of a half-finished glass of wine.

Dan kissed like he missed it. Like he didn't know when he'd next get to press his mouth to someone else's and open up and relax into another body. I brought my free hand up and slid it around his neck, fingertips playing with the short hairs. Dan made a noise between a moan and a sign and leaned further into me, anymore and I would have had nowhere to go but down to the floor. But I had to stop.

I scratched at the back of Dan's head and slid my hand to his cheek, rubbing at his jawline with my thumb as I slowly pulled my mouth from his. Dan leaned into my hand and I opened my eyes to him, wet, slightly bruised lips, faintly flushed cheeks, and eyes fluttering open. Our hands were still interlocked but the one in my shirt loosened.

We needed to talk. About what had just happened, about him, about me, about what was going on between us. But Dan closed his eyes again and took deep controlled breaths, his head leaning into my hand holding his cheek and I just wanted to kiss him again.

"Okay?" I asked, even as the fear that speaking would shatter whatever was in the air between us, break the invisible bubble that kept us in this moment. But nothing split into thousands of irreparable pieces. Dan nodded, inadvertently rubbing his cheek against my palm. It was more difficult than I wanted to admit to pull my hand back into my lap. But I managed and Dan took his own hand back. All that connected us then was our linked hands on the floor.

"Ready to go back out there? Or do you want a minute?"

Dan took a shuddering breath and shook his head. "I can, I'm fine. Let's go."

I stood up and helped Dan as well. It was only once we were both on our feet that I let go of his hand.

"Sorry," he said, hugging his arms loosely over his belly.

I shook my head. "Uh-uh, no apologies. If you need to go home or some time to yourself, go ahead. Do whatever you need to do to be safe and comfortable. Okay?"

He nodded, and flashed me a small smile. "Okay. Sor—uh, yeah. Thank you."

"Anytime," I replied. "If you need to freshen up, bathroom's two doors down."

"I'm fine, now." He got the door and we walked back together, side-by-side. It was a short walk, but I was hyperaware of Dan's arm swinging by mine, close enough I could swear I could feel the short hairs of his arms and the warmth of his skin against mine with every stride.

We returned to everyone else to see that they were setting up for karaoke. Shana had her violin and Yvette had brought out my guitar. Nathaniel was setting up a keyboard as well.

"Just in time you two!" Natasha waved us over. "Lesley, come here."

Yvette handed me my guitar with a look that asked if everything was okay. I nodded, did my best to convey through a smile that everything was fine, and quickly made sure my guitar was still tuned. "What are you feeling, Nat?" I asked. There were other more pressing matters swirling through my mind but I couldn't deal with them right then. I needed normalcy, something familiar.

She pretended to think about it and grinned. "I'm feeling Britney."

Everyone but Meagan and Dan laughed. Brent bent his head to whisper in Meagan's ear, keeping his arm around her waist. Yvette took pity on Dan and leaned over to him. "'My Only Wish' is what Nate played her their first Christmas together. He tried learning how to play it on the piano in secret and it's her favorite Christmas pop song."

"Oh but he was terrible at it," Natasha said, leaning up to kiss her fiancé's cheek. "But I love him despite his complete lack of musical skill or talent."

Nathaniel sighed, but he pressed his mouth to Natasha's head. "Thanks, dear."

This was a song I played every Christmas for the last few years because of Natasha and was a staple of any studio winter holiday party. Natasha's husky voice made the song less pop and a bit more sensual, especially with an acoustic accompaniment. It was always a joy to play to her voice.

Natasha sang while leaning into Nathaniel, and Meagan and Brent were cuddling together too. Brent chimed in, singing along with Natasha, and Shana played the keyboard. Xiao and Yvette sat together on an armchair. Dan was watching me and I couldn't help but return his gaze. What we had done just moments ago was still clear in my mind, but playing managed to distract me just enough. I couldn't think about whatever was going on between us right then.

The song came to a close and we went around singing and playing favorites, some seasonal and some just for fun, solos and duos and more. Shana switched around between the keyboard and her violin and I plucked and strummed at my guitar until my hands hurt. Brent and Natasha did most of the singing, but eventually, as more and more alcohol was introduced, the rest of us joined along. Dan was quiet though and we didn't pressure him into joining in. He watched us fool around and had his little smile and seemed to enjoy himself, which was more than I could ask for.

Eventually, hands grew tired or too sloppy and voices were beginning to slur and grow hoarse. We put our instruments away and went back to the playlist. We'd pretty much demolished all the food, all that was left a few more slices of cake and the odd cookie.

As it grew later, we started preparing to pack up and head home. I had an early day tomorrow driving as well. Along with Yvette and me, Natasha and Nathaniel, Meagan and Brent, and Xiao had all driven to the studio, but only Natasha and Meagan were fit to drive back home. Yvette was going to spend the night at the studio with Xiao, the two of them making use of the air mattresses Xiao kept for specifically occasions like this, or when someone got too lost in their work and missed the last train or were too tired to safely get home. The rest of us split up between the couples, Shana going with Brent and Meagan and Natasha and Nathaniel taking on me and Dan.

The ride was quiet save for Dan giving his address and Natasha's phone calling out subsequent directions. Nathaniel was slumped against his door, having fallen into a gentle doze, and Dan and I were looking out our respective windows. With the silence, though it was a comfortable one, I had nothing to distract my mind from the man beside me, distanced only by the narrow middle seat where we kept our empty containers.

It felt like both the longest and shortest drive.

Natasha slowed to a stop when Dan pointed out his building and he was grabbing his things and stepping out of the car in no time.

"Thanks for the ride," Dan said through the open door, keeping his voice low so as to not wake Nathaniel.

Natasha turned in her seat and beamed back at him. "No problem! It was nice seeing you again so don't be a stranger."

Dan nodded and turned his head towards me. "Drive safe, Lesley." He didn't meet my eyes, looking down and off to the side.

"Thanks. Happy holidays, Dan. I'll see you soon?" I didn't realize it was that much of an uncertainty until it came out my mouth. My chest tightened, my hands clenched into my jeans.

Relief came when Dan nodded, albeit hesitantly. Although it was a hesitance of an uncertainty of his own and not of reluctance. "Happy holidays."

He shut the door and we waited on the curb until he was safely indoors before Natasha drove to mine.

It was silent until we turned off of Dan's street.

"Sure you don't want me to have a sudden emergency and I can't take you home right now?"

Shaking my head, I laughed. "I'm good, Nat. Appreciate the thought."

I saw her shrug. "If you want someone to talk to about whatever happened when you guys went to the bathroom, I'm always here."

Looking down, I sighed. "Thanks. I just need to think about things."

We stopped at a red light and Nat turned her head to look at me. "Well, you know we're all here for you."

Returning her smile, I nodded. "I know."

"I'll just say one last thing. Not only is he a cutie who can manage his finances, your boy can cook. Better snatch him up fast before he realizes he's too good for you. I was considering it after having those turnovers."

"Don't plan your affairs while I'm right next to you," Nathaniel mumbled before turning his head sinking back into sleep with a snore.


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