Col scared the hell out of me when he suggested I go with him to Mexico. I don't know how I could possibly go. I have a family here that would be worried literally to death if I went, I have school to worry about, and so many other things.
Most importantly, I have to keep my grades up if I ever want to go to the university I want. I don't know how long it's going to be, maybe a couple of weeks. This is just so stressful. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to keep Colin from going, but I don't want to him to leave, and possibly die. All I know is that I'll have my answer after tonight...
Two hours of hide and seek... It seems impossible, but proved to be the opposite. After we gave up on places to hide, we had dinner, which wound up to be box macaroni and cheese, and watched TV until we got bored and went to bed.
Now, the dark room completely calms me. The darkness always has. I guess it just feels like how it usually is in my head; blacks and grays and silence. But there's something that's keeping me awake and isn't letting me sleep—Logan is laying right beside me, and she had probably already thought of Mexico. What I wouldn't give to know what she's slowly deciding.
But she's not the only one that has some deciding to do. What am I going to do if she doesn't come? How am I going to go on with my life if I don't go to Mexico? Killing is the only thing that I know how to do. It's the only thing that my life is made of. I don't think she knows how that feels, to not have a future. She's going into science. Of course she has a future. What would I be? Nothing.
Even if I do go to Mexico, I don't know what to do with my life after that. I might stay with JI, keep risking my life and killing people, but even that is a big maybe. I can't really imagine myself working with them right now, but I don't know what else to imagine myself doing. I have no future, and that scares me more than anything in this world.
"Colin?" I hear her whisper from beside me.
"Oh, good. You're not asleep yet."
She reaches over to her bed side table lamp and turns it on, making my eyes squint from the sudden brightness. I don't get a chance to adjust to the light before I start feeling heat rise to my face. Now that the light is on, I'm reminded that all she's wearing is her bra and underwear.
"My mind is a mess right now," I admit.
"So is mine."
"C'mere." We both sit up and she climbs on to my lap, her legs on either side of me. Her hands are shaking, and she has a worried look on her face that looks practically permanent. I kiss her forehead, and she sighs, calming herself down. I kiss her temple, then her cheek, then her jaw, then her neck. Once I get down to her collar bone, she has her fingers running through my hair and all I can hear is the sound of her sigh. All signs of her stress—and mine, for that matter—fade as if they had never existed in the first place.
END OF CHAPTER 17