ONE

The most logical place to start would be going all the way back to those days when everything seemed to be working just fine for you and it almost seemed like there was nothing that would – or even could – get in your way. Those were the days when it all started, they say; though you don't agree with them. To you, those days don't seem so long ago. At least, that's what you tell people but, if you're honest with yourself, even you knew you weren't fooling anyone.

Those were the days when you would go out with your friends, go partying and stay out all night and only return when the dawn started to arise and you realised that you had to be up that morning to get ready for some lecture at University, though you never complained about them as they were 'alright' you would say and, to be honest, you did find them interesting. It was the way a lot of days started back then and you were never irresponsible about anything and you still aren't now. You just enjoyed a good time, as any typically student would do when they found themselves away from home for the very first time. No, nothing seemed out of the ordinary back then and why would they? There was nothing particularly unusual about what you were doing back then.

However, there was something going on, though, wasn't there? And you knew it at that time but refused to tell anyone. You had always been into things that involved what the meaning of life was and liked anything that told you about who you were. Maybe that's where it started. Maybe, that was the trigger that you needed to set yourself on this big quest to go and find yourself. A quest that, for some reason or another, never entirely went to plan.

You can remember reading up on something while you were reading around for your course (a philosophy course, that was) in between reading up on Plato and Aristotle and arguments and dilemmas which always seemed to arise. What you read inspired you, though you cannot for the life of you remember what it said or even what it was about. But it caught your eye and your mind and from that moment on you became hooked on finding out who you were. A very philosophical journey for a philosophy student. But this journey became something else and that something else became another and so on and so on until you reached a point where you forgot what it was you were searching for and ended up walking along a path that you hadn't foreseen yourself on at any stage. Suddenly you were on a journey to get you back on to a journey that you had strayed away from in the first place. The road was suddenly looking a lot steeper and the path a lot rockier.

...

The first time things seemed to go wrong for you was right at the end of your University career. You can remember the sun shining as you waited patiently albeit nervously for your results to come through. Everything up until this point had gone so well you tell yourself, even now, but as soon as you were handed that bit of paper and your fingers slowly and shakily tore open the envelope, your heart sank and it seemed as though your whole world had come crashing down on you in one split second. You had failed. End of. Everyone else who had taken your course seemed to be pleased with their results – some even achieving a First. It was the first time you had experienced failure in your life and it was from that moment on that things never seemed to go to plan and it was the first time that you honestly sat down and asked yourself – "Who am I?"

From that day, you started to ask yourself that question most days – if not every day. You had suffered such a blow that you honestly wondered who it was you were and what you were supposed to do now that you seemed to have failed in life. People told you that you were being ridiculous and that it was not big deal to start with, you could always retake and get a better grade next time. However, that wasn't the point. Yes, you had had bad marks before throughout your schooling life, but never when it mattered most. What made it worse was that you had tried so hard and had done nothing but your best when it came to the final exam that you had been convinced that you would get the top grades. But it was clear that your efforts had come to no avail and it was the biggest fall you had taken up to that point, but it was nothing compared to the falls you would eventually make later in life.