Hard Core Advice

From Hard Core's Hardest Core...

John Leslie!

Dear John,

I have been happily married for over thirty years. Many years ago I found out by sheer happenstance that my wife is adopted. Concerned that she might not know about it, I contacted her parents. They both confirmed what I heard and said that my wife does indeed know about it. I think it's odd that she never shared this particular bit of information with me. It wouldn't have changed our life together, but it bothers me nonetheless. I am having major heart surgery next month, and this is something I would like to discuss with her before I undergo it.

What do you think?
-Nosey

Dear Nosey,

Just before your surgery, as you're being wheeled off, tell her, "If I die, it's because you never told me you were adopted."

Dear John,

I am a college student who has a boyfriend. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I get asked out a lot by other boys who are interested in me. I mean, a LOT. Is there a polite way to tell someone you would just like to be friends?
-Too Hot For My Own Good

Dear Too Hot,

"I have an STD" usually works for me.

Dear John,

I feel that the longer you go to the same hairdresser, the more they'll take you for granted and the service gets sloppy. I've shared this opinion with clients of the hairstylist I'm seeing now, and they all agreed. The salon does not have a receptionist. Whoever is there just picks up the phone, whether they're working on a customer or not. During my last haircut my stylist answered the phone SIX TIMES!

What should I do?
-Offended

Dear Offended,

I know EXACTLY what you should do. You should...

Oops, there goes my phone!

Sorry, but I've got to answer.

It might be important.

Confidential to Tiny:

It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean... AND the size of the boat.