Failure

When the going gets tough, what does one do, chin up and stick it through? Reopen your tattered resilient sails and glide across the ocean using a different route? Wipe those tears of frustration and disappointment away, grit your teeth and stomp through again?

But what if it is your own doing that got you into your predicament in the first place? There's no point being dishonest with yourself anymore, it just prolongs the inevitable when you could have spent that time reconciling, fixing it. Not moving on but fixing it.

It feels like a trap with the trapper and trappee being one and the same. There is a dead end yet you cannot feel a certain, physical wall because feeling something physical and solid would mean there is only one way to move and that would be back, away and up from rock bottom. But without that wall you cannot. You know you have failed and continue on that path, wondering how to get off but at the same time lost in the lull of false security, because it is all familiar to you. All so familiar.

You want to cry but then you want to scold yourself for the pity party- you do not deserve your own pity, you do not deserve to be pitied or sympathized with. What you need to do is fix yourself, stop the time wasting and get on with it.

But how? How do you get out of such tangles and knots because it is much easier said than done? How do you bounce back, reel in the motivation to fix yourself- you have been lost in the blissful abyss of nothing for so long, it is practically the only thing you know. By now only your surmounting guilt is the constant reminder of the light tears that stem from your losses, unsuccessful in quelling it. The guilt wounds you so that you remember the empty abyss is artificial, your own doing, that there is a way out. And this fact reminds you of the trap, with the non-physical dead end, no wall to guide you back. And this brings you back to the empty abyss. Living life a day at a time, traipsing around your object of failure, looking but not really seeing it.

Really, failure is just a downward spiral. But a resilient person would never tell you that because resilience is just a front so that the world thinks that you are okay, you are doing fine, that you are not really living useless days when you should be endeavouring to fill it with life, with purpose.

To you, I am resilient.


A/N: I wrote this a couple years ago, this piece reflects some of my thought processes back then and it's been amplified to make it more interesting. I understand some parts are vague or may not make sense- it's deliberately been written like that. =D Hope you enjoyed it. Feedback would be appreciated. I'm currently working on a few other pieces but do not think I will be posting them in the near future. Writing to me is more of an occasional hobby.