The last I heard, the temperature at the Sochi Winter Olympics has been around 45 degrees. I guess they make snow tougher in Communist countries.

Bearing that in mind, maybe our great city of El Paso, Texas has a shot at hosting the Winter Olympics after all.

If, by some miracle, we do get a shot at it, our lack of the cold, white stuff might limit some of the competitions we can have, so, in the spirit of the can-do Olympics, I offer these replacement suggestions.

1. The Trying-To-Play-In-The-Park-With-Your-Kids-While-Not-Stepping-In-Dog-Poop Competition.

2. The How-Many-Times-Will-You-Be-Hit-On-To-Buy-Something-Or-Give-A-Donation-To-On-Your-Trip-To-Walmart Competition.

3. The How-Many-Empty-Beer-Cans-And-Cigarette-Butts-Have-To-Collect-In-Your-Backyard-Before-You-Decide-To-Clean-It-Up Competition.

4. The How-Much-Visine-Do-You-Have-To-Use-Before-You-Think-People-Won't-Know-You've-Been-Smoking-Pot Competition.

5. The How-Low-Under-Your-Butt-Can-Your-Pants-Hang-Before-They'll-Actually-Fall-To-The-Ground Competition.

6. The Shaving-Off-Your-Eyebrows-Only-To-Draw-Them-Back-In Competition.

7. The The-More-You-Drink-The-More-Irresistible-You-Think-You-Are Competition.

8. The Thinking-You-Have-A-Nice-Rack-When-What-You-Really-Are-Is-Fat Competition.

9. (women only) The Stuffing-Ten-Pounds-Of-Sausage-Into-A-Five-Pound-Sausage-Casing Competition.

10. (men only) The Flexing-Your-Guns-In-The-Mirror-While-Being-Blind-To-The-Fat-Gut-Underneath Competition.