Subject: Open the damn e-mail and save my ass already!
Willa, if you've received this e-mail then that means I am currently trapped in the Dimension of Evil and need your help! Come to my lab RIGHT NOW. Yes, even if you are on your lunch break, and even if it's Taco Tuesday. Follow the instructions.
How to Save My Ass from the Dimension of Evil
Unlock the door. The password is password.
Inside the lab you will find a large portal filled with purple clouds and screams, a circular wheel with tubes coming out of it called the Wadjalater (shut up, the name is awesome), a computer, and a brown lab named Dexter.
Approach Dexter and tell him to log onto the computer. He'll play dumb but DO NOT FALL FOR IT! Dexter is the result of an experiment which gave him super intelligence and the ability to communicate with humans. I know what you're thinking, Willa, and the answer is no, I am not shitting you. Bribe Dexter with a bag of Beggin' Strips. If he still pulls the stupid act, then say you're taking him to the vet to get neutered. He'll definitely crack then.
Have Dexter log on. Make sure he activates the Wadjalater instead of porn (he's done it before). The Wadjalater should start humming and in the middle of the wheel a hole lined with teeth will open up and wail for blood. That's because the Wadjalater needs a human hand to be inserted into its mouth in order to work. Don't ask.
Now go grab Ted from Accounting. Why Ted, you ask? Because he's the one who has been stealing everybody's lunches from the break-room, that's why. Remember when that cake we got you for your birthday disappeared? Yep, Ted. You're pissed now, aren't you? Anyways, once you find Ted, tell him he has to cooperate or I'm not giving him the antidote to the poison I laced my chocolate brownies with. If the bastard has eaten them (and I KNOW he has) then he better stick his damn hand in the Wadjalater's mouth.
Once Ted has stuck his hand in, the Wadjalater will extract a small amount of blood. Ignore Ted's complaining. It is NOT as bad as says it is. He's just being a whiny bitch.
Tell Dexter to close whatever video he was watching and switch the portal to the Fluffy Bunny Dimension. You should see pink swirls. Chant "Snowflake the Silencer" three times. A fluffy white bunny will come out. Her name is Snowflake, and she is (seriously) the deadliest assassin of her dimension. DO NOT INSULT OR PATRONIZE HER! I have witnessed her rip out a man's spine for laughing at her. Bow down to Snowflake and apologize for the inconvenience. Tell her she has been summoned to rescue me. Remind her of the blood oath we swore. (It's a long story. I'll explain later.)
Snowflake needs a strong weapon to take with her to the Dimension of Evil. Make Dexter switch the portal to the Dimension of Pointy Stuff. Look in the top right drawer of my desk for the Pointy Map. Give it to Snowflake and send her through the portal. She will be gone for a while.
The lab door will soon open and Rae the intern will enter. Don't worry; she is just bringing some snacks as I planned. There will be steak dinners for you and Dexter, a bottle of whiskey for Snowflake for when she returns (DO NOT DRINK ANY OR SHE WILL GNAW OFF YOUR HANDS), and nothing for Ted because fuck him. Take a break and enjoy yourselves while laughing at Ted. You're welcome.
Snowflake will come back with the Spiky Flail of Doom. Ignore her blood-soaked fur. Hand her the whiskey. She should finish it quickly and throw the bottle on the floor. Don't complain about the mess.
Have Dexter open up the Dimension of Evil. Send in the bunny and wait until she drags me out. If I'm screaming about tentacles and trying to scratch my face off, then strap me down and give me some coffee. That will fix me.
Congratulations! You have saved my sorry ass from the Dimension of Evil! Let's celebrate with drinks!