I can't believe it. There's going to be so much food.

I have four days off for Thanksgiving, and, judging by my wife's menu for our upcoming Thanksgiving dinner, it looks like I'm going to spend the entire time digesting. Heck, I'm still full from last year. So, before I sit down to begin my yearly tradition of eating more than anyone else, let me take a few minutes to tell you what I'm thankful for.

First off, I'm thankful for holidays. They are the only days out of the year when I can eat what I want. Thanks to the special diet my doctor has me on, I'm only allowed to eat natural foods. That means, when I'm hungry, I have to go outside and lick a tree.

I'm thankful I haven't heard much about the ObamaCare website lately, because, as we all know, if you don't hear anything, then everything must be all right. When the website was initially rolled out, and it came with more problems than my first wife, I was thankful to the government employees who worked on it. Compared to them, my employer had nothing to complain about. Back then, media pundits like Bill O'Really and Rush Limbo all said ObamaCare would cost the American tax-payer billions of dollars. For me, that was another thing to be thankful for. We have too much money as it is. It's about time the government got around to wasting a little of it.

On a personal level, I'm thankful to have been born in the southwest. With all the first grade fighting that goes on between local politicians, it saves me on entertainment costs. Watching them embarrass themselves is funnier than watching the Three Stooges. Mainly the ones with Shemp.

I have to admit, however, that I can't help but be thankful to those very same politicians. The truth is, I'm tired of working. If there's one thing I've learned from these clowns who want my vote, it's that my support is the government's responsibility. Who they're going to tax when everybody decides to quit their jobs and become wards of the federal government is not my problem. It's yours. And your children's. But not your children's children, because I don't believe children should be having unprotected sex.

Living in the desert, I'm thankful for the water shortage in this part of the country and the water restrictions we live under. Hydration is over-rated. It's about time our selfish plants learned to live with less. Just like the rest of us.

I'm thankful to the bad economy. It gives us an opportunity to be frugal with our money. Just because the government spends more than it has, that doesn't mean we have to. Oh, sure, we might have to do without some things, like food, but we'll get used to it. As long as America has some of the finest restaurants in the world, people like you and I will have dumpsters we can eat out of.

A special thanks to my wife and kids. Without them I would have never found out how good I look with gray hair. They've widened my horizons, introduced me to things I would have never discovered on my own, and the lack of sleep they've caused has given me bags under my eyes so large that that's where I'm going to hide this year's Christmas presents. I've never known such love, and I've never known such heartbreak. It's turned a good life into a great life, and I wouldn't have missed it for all the turkey and stuffing in the world. Speaking of turkeys…

I'm also thankful to my ex-wife. Without her I would have never learned to appreciate the subtle coolness of a summer breeze, the casual elegance of a drifting cloud, and the quick convenience of a Mexican divorce. Someone told me she recently became some rich guy's trophy wife. If that's true, then the trophy must be for last place. That someone also told me her new husband has terrible anger issues, which I'm also thankful for, because he'll be the first one the police will suspect when... um, forget I said anything.

I'm thankful to Editor Elva K. Osterreich and Publisher Richard Coltharp for giving me the opportunity to disappoint them in print. I promise to put in as much hard work and commitment as I did in all the other jobs I've been fired from.

I'm also thankful to Desert Exposure for giving me my own column to write. It combines my two favorite things: working and not getting paid.

Most of all, I'm thankful to you, my loyal readers. It's nice to have another group of people I can borrow money from.

Finally, I'm thankful to the Olive Garden restaurant. Because of their advertising slogan-"When You're Here, You're Family!"-I make it a point to eat there several times a week. When I go, I'll even order the most expensive items on the menu because-Hey!-I'm family. And family doesn't pay.

At the end of the meal, when they bring me the check, I tell them, "There must be some mistake."

"What do you mean?" they ask.

"I'm family, and you don't charge family."

You see, when you invite family over for a good meal, you don't make them pay. That's why I don't invite family over. I wait for them to invite me.

At the end of the day, I get my way because the fine people at Olive Garden get tired of arguing in front of their customers. Now they just meet me at the door with breadsticks and a nice salad.

When my wife found out what culinary shenanigans I was up to, she got angry.

"Have you no shame?" she chastised.

Well… it sure beats licking trees.