( a collaboration with lyssa a.k.a. souls in chains at allpoetrydotcom )
my purple flip-flops leave a tapestry of footprints on the moist earth so i take them off and sit barefoot near the lake's edge and hug my knees as i stare at the sun's reflection somersaulting in the water. tears cascade across my face, resembling snowdrops that burn like absinthe on my tongue every time i open my mouth just to know what september's ghost tastes like. twilight chants a radioactive melody as it fades into dawn while the bandit breeze screams your name, echoing like a possessed preacher's vespers and every now and then, i can still glimpse your silhouette amidst the raindrops that eventually die on my outstretched palm - making me wonder if you are, in spite of everything, more than just a mirage.
i can still remember the daintiness of the ring you gave me on my ninth birthday, the little silver one with the periwinkle stone that i stood for hours looking at through the smudged store front window. it was magic when you placed it on my finger for the first time. you saved up all your allowance for weeks just to get it for me, even though i never actually told you that it was exactly what i wanted. we used to walk by that little store on the corner every day after school, when we took the short cut through the park, so we wouldn't have to walk through that part of town where kids carried guns like teddy bears and cradled knives instead of starlit wishes. but, you must have noticed how i always looked back to see if it was still there. there isn't a day that goes by now that i wish it still was. i wish it was still sitting on that glass shelf, in the make-believe world of riches and disinfectant, because it was a world we were never meant to be part of. that world, it ruined everything.
someone was throwing rocks at my window one night and as i got up from my bed to inch toward the sound, i instinctively knew it was none other than you so i tiptoed down the stairs and ran towards you once i got outside. i didn't realize you were going to say goodbye. your father got promoted and was reassigned and you were moving to the city in less than a week. i pulled away from your embrace and hastily walked away.
when i woke up early that morning, i sped towards our favorite spot by the lake, knowing you would be there. i held you close and felt your patchouli warmth against your soft flannel shirt and told you about my misty dream, how it was all just a figment of my hyperactive imagination because there was no way in hell you were leaving me. you affectionately caressed my cheek, hushing my stutters and when i stared questioningly into your driftwood eyes, that was when i knew deep inside my gut that i would lose my best friend that day because in a sudden fit of rage, i took off the ring you gave me and threw it into the water, realizing that it was already too late to stop you from drowning as you dived after it.
the paper horizon is crippled- a thousand words carved into it's counterfeit nirvana, burning shades of nightmares at the edges and tearing apart all at once at every worn out seam. i'm looking in the fragmented mirror within my heart and i get lost in the emptiness, my white and midnight stripped babydoll dress clinging too tightly on my aching skin.
a blue flame burns dimly in my open hand and i breathe into it, a vision unfolds wrapped in autumn's equinox. the mutilations on my wrists begin to glow azure like the fire, faded images and water-damaged photographs illuminate against the light - subtle things that remind me of why i am the way i am and all the reasons i'm dying in places people can't see.
the days are already dead, like the petals of scars that never decay fast enough for my skin to be as untainted as it was that summer. there are times when i just sit and watch the film reels of yesterday spin behind the abyss of my faraway eyes and it makes me wonder now if we were ever really that innocent or if you were just a sun-kissed dream, just another fragile child that got lost along the highway towards a castle in the sky. but i do know that my innocence drowned with your last breath as my voice got carried away upon the snow-covered angel wings along with everything i believed in. and now i wonder if our memory was damned right from the start.
you dwell inside a looking glass, a mere reflection of a reverie trapped on the other side and the only proof i have that maybe you were real is the waves of the lake crashing upon my skin, the scratch marks of moonshine in the glass.
the girl who forgot how to speak so she sends
you long letters in old wine bottles
ps. and perhaps, if i whisper "i'm sorry" for the first time, you'll hear me someplace under a masquerade of shadows dancing in the sky, trapped somewhere beneath the sapphire shores of what could have been.
"i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone"
~ my immortal by evanescence
"summer has come and gone
and you're fading like the setting sun
in my mind you are still next to me
as we lay there without worries
and now our hands are intertwined
then and there i was yours, you were mine
and as you look me in the eyes,
i catch my breath, i've never felt more alive
so i'll write you a letter, put it in a bottle
toss it in the ocean set our hearts in motion
spell your name out in the sand
hoping one day you'll understand"
~ gone away by krissy villongco