CH. 1

"Pray tell, good oracle, how do I awaken the princess from her eternal slumber?" The Knight asked

The small man read from an ancient tome and in a deep raspy voice said, "First you must climb the un-climbable mountain. Then you must swim the un-swimmable moat. Next you must kill the un-killable troll. Finally-"

"Wait! Let me guess." The Knight interrupted, "I must eat the un-eatable sandwich. Shit the un-shittable shit. Read the un-readable book."

"Yes… That last one." The Oracle said in a now normal voice.

"You're fucking with me aren't you Jerry?" The Knight laughed.

"No. It says right here. Climb the mountain, swim the moat, kill the troll…read the book." Jerry the Oracle said dejectedly.

"Why you so sad Jerry?"

"It's just…I really only have one thing going for me. Questers come to me, ask me where things are, and I look at my old books and tell them… and you kinda ruined it. I know… it's dumb. Never mind."

"No, I'm sorry Jerry. Would it make you feel better if you could finish with the voice?"

Jerry perked up a bit and said, "You'd let me do that?"

"I'd do anything for you. Who's my favorite oracley woracley?" The Knight asked poking Jerry playfully in the tummy.

"I am." Jerry said giggling.

"Yes you are," The Knight continued his baby talk, "Now finish that silly prophecy."

Jerry cleared his throat and said in his deep raspy voice, "Finally, you must read the un-readable book. Only then will the princess wake."

"Thanks Jerry. You're the best." The Knight said on his way out the door. "Take 'er sleazy."

"And you take 'er sleazy as well, Sir Jacob."

"Dude, Jerry. You know it's just Jake." Jake the Knight said as he slid on his tinted glass eyewear to protect his eyes as he left the hut.

Jake's armor glistened in the bright sun as he strode to his horse. Taylor, his second in command rode up to him and asked, "What is our quest? Where must we travel to save the fair princess? Who must we slay to ensure the triumph of riotousness?"

Jake looked up at his longtime ally and said with all the passion he could muster, "Fuck! That! Shit! Sounded way too hard. Climbing mountains, swimming moats, and killing trolls? No thank you. Hell even reading the book sounded hard. So no, we will NOT be doing any of that."

"But, my liege, the king tasked you personally with this quest. Without you, the quest will fail, the princess will die, and the kingdom will fall into disarray. Thousands will die!"

Jake rolled his eyes as he climbed atop his horse. "I didn't say we weren't gonna save the bitch. Just find an easier way of doing it."

"Oh. A thousand apologies, my lord."

"Don't sweat it, broski. You should know me better than that by now."

The two rode back towards town in silence for many minuets before Taylor asked, "Sire, I beg your forgiveness, but in all our travels, I have never asked: How did you become a knight?"

Jake shot Taylor an irate stare and said, "The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I-i-it's just… You behave in a strange manner. Unlike any knight I've ever seen in all my days." Taylor said, truly fearing his friend.

Jake laughed. "Naw, I'm just fucking with ya. That's a fair question. I get asked that shit all the time. It's usually angrier though. I'm surprised it took you this long to ask. Long story short, you kill a dragon, they practically give knighthoods away."

"A follow up question, if I may, sire?"

"How did a guy like me manage to kill a dragon?"

"To put it plainly, yes."

"Little known fact, Tay. Dragons are allergic to monkeys. Deathly allergic. "

"Monkeys, sire?"

"You're gonna make me tell the whole story aren't you?"

"Well it is a good bit to town, Sire."

"Eh, fuck it. Here goes."

About four or five years ago I wasn't the badass of knightness you see before you. In fact, I was a bit of a loser. I was new in town having come from… far away. The only work I could get was being a stable boy for this giant douche. He was constantly treating me like shit. Fucker treated his horses better. Anyway, one day he winds up dead due to "Mysterious Circumstances". Naturally, I get the blame. New guy in town? Talk and act different? Naturally taller and better looking than everyone else? Yeah, I'd blame me too.

So there I was, just about to be hung for my "crimes" when the lord of the land gets a bright idea: Let's give this cock sucker a sword and make him go fight this dragon that's been burning the shit out of fields and eating livestock and shit. Best case scenario, they kill each other. Worst case, the dragon has a good meal and might not eat some pigs for a few days.

Everybody thinks that's just a dandy idea. So I get cut down, get given a sword, and get pointed in the general direction of the dragon. And as soon as I'm out of town, I get lost. Like really lost. I got no clue where the fuck I am. I wasn't too worried about it. I don't know why they thought I'd actually fight a dragon for my freedom. I mean, they had to know that I would bail as soon as I was out of eyesight, right?

I'm wondering around the woods like an idiot when I stumble across this band of gypsies camping in a clearing in the forest. At this point I'm thinking I've got some pretty good luck. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink in a day or so and gypsies are notoriously hard partiers and very generous. And their women aren't bad to look at either. So I introduce myself to the group, one thing leads to another and we end up partying the night away. The last thing I remember of that night is I had a drink in each hand and a beautiful woman on each lap…

The next morning I woke up naked, tied to a tree stump. The damn gypsies whamboozled me! I still don't know if the townsfolk put them up to it or it was their own idea, but I was had. I'm tied to this stump for the better part of a day. Let me tell you, naked plus forest does not equal good times. I had bug bites places I didn't know existed.

Just when I think all hope is lost a small traveling circus comes through. Apparently, it was a very popular clearing in the forest. I explain my situation and they quickly untie me. Turns out, the circus and the gypsies are at war with each other or something. I wasn't really paying attention. The leader of the circus tells me to track the gypsies down and kill them all, or just their horses. Again, wasn't really paying attention.

So once again, some people trusted to actually follow through with what I said I was going to do. Needless to say, as soon as I was far enough away, I just wonder off. I'm picking my way through the woods when by stupid bad luck, I come across the dragon's den. I'm suddenly nose to nose with this giant hulking flying fucking lizard that breathes fire. I'm just about to shit my pants in fear when I realize, it's asleep. I feel like the luckiest mother fucker in the world. I quietly turn around and see those fucking gypsies right behind me. I look at them, they look at me. I look at them, they look at the dragon. Every single goddamn one of 'em gets this shit eating grin and they start hooping and hollering trying to wake the damn dragon up. Gypsies are assholes.

I learned a new thing about dragons at that moment. They have very keen hearing. Like being able to pinpoint the origin of the noise that woke it up keen. The gypsies' plan backfired. The dragon was now awake and pissed right the fuck off. It took off after them and completely ignored my dumb ass. It starts tearing them to shreds, blood and guts everywhere. I use that opportunity to casually make my escape.

I start heading back towards the circus. While it may have been unintentional, I DID end up completing the quest they gave me. And goddamn it, reward was in order. I'm almost back to the circus when I realize that the dragon had been following me. The crafty fucker knew I'd lead it to more delicious people.

I step through the clearing and the dragon is right behind me. It starts wrecking the fuck out of everything. I'm trying to get away and save my own ass. The dragon sees me and starts ignoring everyone else but me for some reason. I'm hauling balls as fast as I can, trying to get to safety. Then BAM! I run smack into one of those guys… with the box they wind it up… I can never remember the damn name… Organ grinder!

We're tripping over each other and are just about to get eaten when I grab the little dancing monkey and throw it at the dragon.

The only thing I was thinking was that it might be a distraction. What I didn't know was what I mentioned earlier: Dragons are allergic to monkeys. The dragon snatches the monkey out of the air and instantly stops chasing me. He starts gagging and coughing and wheezing, acting like he can't breath. His eyes roll back in his head and BOOM, falls over dead.

So I'm feeling pretty bad ass about the whole thing. And why shouldn't I? I just offed a mother fucking dragon! The problem was nobody would believe me. That's when one of the circus jesters came up to me and revealed that he was actually a prince in disguise. He traveled with the circus to get away from the monotony of monarchy or something like that. And as a reward for saving his life and ridding the world of a dragon, he took me back to the castle and made me a knight.

"That is truly an incredible story, Sire. And to think, none of that would have happened if you had not been falsely accused of murder." Taylor said as they neared the town gates.

"I never said I was falsely accused," Jake said with a wry grin on his face. "I killed the shit out of that asshole… Fucked his wife too. That's probably why he was mad at me in the first place."

Before Taylor could say anything, they arrived at the large gate the granted entrance to town. A guard stood watch and shouted to the two as they approached, "Halt! State thy business in Crockeil!"

Jake glared up at the man pointing his bow at the two and shouted, "Goddamnit Larry, don't act like you don't know who the fuck I am!"

"My apologies, Sir Jake. I failed to recognize you from the distance!" Larry hollered back. "I shall open the gate presently! And please do try to remember, my name is Lawrence."

"See that you do!" Jake yelled. To Taylor he said quietly, "I really don't like that guy. I just know that one day he'll fire on me without looking first."

The two made their way through the gates into the town proper. Crockeil was a decent sized town that sat on the banks of the Crockeil River. Large walls surrounded it on three sides with the river protecting the fourth. The gate Jake and Taylor entered faced west. Just past the gate was a long road with shops, inns, and pubs lining both sides. Crockeil was a big trade center for the area so the shops, inns, and pubs did well. Small homes lined the walls and larger ones occupied the center of town. The Lord's Manor sat next to the river. It was by far the largest house around, standing three stories high with a basement and boasting twelve rooms and a great hall.

The Manor was Jake's ultimate goal, but first he wanted to swing by his favorite tavern, The Drunken Ram. The Ram was musty, dingy, dirty, and smelled of rotten meat and smoke, and Jake loved it. It reminded him of his favorite bar from where he grew up. The Ram was on the way to the manor so stopping by there right quick wouldn't take too long. The tavern sat off the road a ways. The sign above the door depicting a ram holding a mug of ale was faded from years of wear and tear with no upkeep.

Jake left his horse with Taylor outside and made his way in. The door creaked as he opened it. A few heads turned to look, but most stayed fixated on their drinks. Jake ignored all the others and went straight for the barmaid behind the counter. She was a pretty girl a few years younger than Jake. She was a little plump, but she wore it well. Her raven black hair fell to her shoulders and smelled of lavender. Probably the real reason the Ram was his favorite bar was her eyes. They were a beautiful green and seemed to peer right into your soul when she looked at you.

He walked up to her and smiled. She returned his smile with a fierce scowl and said, "What are ya doing here ya bawdy bastard? I thought I told ya to ne'er come round here no more!"

"I take it you're still mad about that shit that went down a while back?" Jake asked with a wry grin.

"Of course I'm still bloody mad!"

"How many times do I have to say I'm fucking sorry, Gwyn?"

"Ya can say it til ya die and I still won't forgive ya!" Gwyn practically shouted.

Jake sighed, he clearly wasn't going to get anywhere with her that day. Changing the subject he said, "I really don't have time to deal with your shit right now. Where's Vincent?"

Still glaring at him, she jerked her head back to indicate Vincent was in the storeroom.

"Thanks, sweetheart." Jake said and hurried around before she could throw something at him.

Jake opened the door to the storeroom to find Vincent sitting on a box laughing at a bag of potatoes. Vincent was the owner of the Ram and also an avid eater of ogre mushrooms. They were called ogre mushrooms because users having bad trips said that they could see ogres wondering around after eating them. Most people just saw pretty colors and dancing elves.

Vincent was a middle aged, overweight, balding slob. His entire life revolved around eating mushrooms and chasing women out of his league. How he managed to operate a successful bar Jake would never understand. It likely had to do with the money his parents left him when they died.

Jake didn't want to interrupt Vincent's trip. Sometime he would become violent and Jake had no time for that. Laughing at the potato bag usually meant the high was about over so Jake decided to come back a few minutes later. He left the storeroom and went back to the bar area. He sat on the opposite side of Gwyn near another barmaid. This one was a rather ugly girl named Rose. She had a face like a rat and a smell like a boar, but she was easy to talk to.

"What you 'avin, love?" She asked.

"Ale.' Jake said flatly. Her odor wasn't the worst it's ever been, but it was far from the best. "Just enough to pass the time til fucking Vince comes down."

"'E laughin' at potatoes yet?"

"Yeah. Can't tell for how long though."

"Well this'll bout cover it." She said as she poured him a tall mug.

After he thanked her there was a long awkward silence while he drank. It was finally broken when she asked, "If you don' mind me askin', what 'appened tween you and Gwynie? She used to love 'avin you come round. Now it looks like she bloody 'ates you. I try askin 'er an get nowhere."

Jake thought for a moment and tried to decide whether he should tell the story or not. In the end he decided that Gwyn couldn't hate any more than she did already. So what was the harm in telling Rose? Besides, he had some time to kill waiting on Vincent.

"Ok, you talked me into it."

So six months ago me and my buddy Taylor came in here to talk to Vince to get some info on shit like he's good at giving. He wasn't here so we decided to just have a few drinks while we waited. A little while later we were pretty fucked up and Gwyn comes running in crying her fucking eyes out. I finally get her calmed the fuck down and she tells me her cousin, Jamis, had been taken by some fucking goblins.

Me, being the realist I am, knew he was probably already dead as fuck. But me, being drunk and horny, thought this would be a great chance at getting laid. Save her cousin, kill some goblins, get some pussy. It was too easy. She tells me where to find them and me and Taylor set off. Keep in mind we're still really fucking drunk.

An hour or so later we get to the goblin camp. My buzz is starting to fade, but I'm still pretty gone. I don't know if you've ever seen goblins up close, but there nasty little fuckers. They're about chest high and different shades of baby shit green. I can see ten or twelve of the bastards sitting around a fire pit. It's got one of those fucking spit things for roasting meat above it. It's clean so I know they haven't ate dude yet.

I tell Taylor to go around back and we plan on hitting them on two sides at the same time splitting their forces and shit. Well I guess Taylor was way drunker than I was 'cause as he was walking around, he passes right the fuck out by a tree. Only I didn't know this, so when I draw my sword and charge I do so thinking he's doing his shit. Clearly he doesn't and soon I'm surrounded by the bitches. They got these little pussy swords that can't get through my armor, but it's still annoying as hell getting poked and prodded like that. I finally realize that Taylor ain't coming so I start just hacking and slashing and killing as I can. I take off one's head here. I stab another in the gut there. They're pretty fucking dumb so they keep trying to attack me the same way and I keep killing them.

I get about four or five down when I hear this huge bellow come from one of their huts. The little ones around me scurry off and hide which I take as a bad sign. My suspicions are confirmed a second later when out of the hut comes a goblin shaman.

The shaman look like regular goblins, only they're much bigger and much meaner. Plus they can do basic magic which sucks for me. So this giant mother fucker starts chanting and charging some sort of spell designed to straight fuck me in the ass. I figure I got maybe ten seconds 'til my ass is toast and I know I got to break his concentration. I quickly look around and pick up the first thing I see to throw at him. It was the head of one goblin I had chopped off. The damn thing's teeth were still chomping, but I didn't hesitate, I threw it as hard as I could at the shaman.

To tell you the truth, I was aiming for his head thinking that would be best. I though worst case, I hit him in the chest and maybe knock him down or stun him long enough for me to get out of there. My aim wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would be, but at the same time, it couldn't have been better. The head hit the fucker right in the dick, and the mouth latched on to his balls, teeth just chomping away at his sack.

He starts howling in pain trying to rip this severed fucking head off his nuts. He's running around screaming, running into shit, knocking huts and tents over. I almost felt bad for him, but it was the funniest shit I had ever seen in my life. Finally I couldn't take anymore. While he was distracted, I ran up and killed the cock sucker. Then I killed the shaman. HA did you see what I did there?

So anyway, I searched the tents 'til I found Jamis underneath a fallen canvas. He was beat up and hungry, but overall fine. Then, and here's the part that pisses me right the fuck off, he goes to the hut the shaman came out of and brings out a small chest. He breaks it open and out pops this golden bracelet with jewels and shit and puts it on. Goblins are well known for using fancy jewelry in their religious practices. Most decent people leave them be, if you purposefully steal someone else's religious shit, who is the real monster?

Turns out, the asshole got captured intentionally knowing his loving cousin would send a hero (me) to come save his sorry ass and kill the goblins so he could steal that bracelet. Now I'm no saint, but killing innocent semi-sentient creatures for some fucking treasure is just wrong. I've fought in a war over stupid shit like that. So knowing that there were still four or five of the littler goblins in the area that were probably pretty anxious to get their shit back, I sliced Jamis' ankles so he couldn't walk. I then pried off the bracelet and tossed it back in the hut. I picked up Taylor and left. I still remember the last thing I hear as I rode away: The sound of him screaming for mercy.

Rose stared at Jake in awe. She said, "That was the most amazin' story I 'ave ever 'eared. So Gwyn 'ates you cause you killed 'er cousin?"

Jake laughed a little and said, "No, she totally agreed what he did was a real dick move."

"So if she agreed that 'e was being iniquitous, why she 'ate you?"

"Long story short, I had been asking her out for a few months and kept getting rejected. So a couple weeks ago I fucked her sister."

Rose couldn't stop laughing for a good while. She had tears in her eyes and could barely breathe. Finally she was able to ask, "So what was the point of the goblin story?"

"I don't get to tell that one very often and I thought you might like it." Jake said with a little grin.

"I truly did. That's for sure." Rose replied chuckling and putting her hand on his.

Jake knew he could get her into bed easily if he wanted to. And under normal circumstances he would have, everyone looks the same under the covers. However, Vincent chose that moment to finally come out of the supply closet. He gave a look that said 'we'll continue this later' and went to speak with the older man.

"Vinny, you shroom munching motherfucker. I need to talk to you about some shit." He said with fake malice in his voice. A paranoid Vincent was more likely to tell him what he needed to know.

Vincent instantly started to sweat. Mushrooms weren't illegal, but he still didn't want the fact that he ate them to get out. "J-J-Jake,' he stammered, 'W-W-what can I do for you?"

Jake got right in his face. Another tactic in getting him to talk was to make him uncomfortable. Jake said softly, "I need you to talk to your…friends. And I need you to ask them how to wake a chick from an eternal slumber spell. Ideally without having to climb a mountain, swim a moat, kill a troll, or read a stupid fucking book."

Vincent started darting his eyes back and forth as if he was trying to see if anyone overheard that comment. If he didn't want his mushroom secret getting out, he certainly didn't want the knowledge that he dabbled in the dark arts to become public. Also speaking softly he said, "I-I-I'll see what I can find out. It might take a couple days. They can be temperamental this time of year."

Jake sighed heavily. A couple days might be too long. He didn't want to push Vincent too hard. He had a tendency to run away at the first sign of trouble. He decided to switch strategies. He put a friendly hand on Vincent's shoulder and said, "Just try your best. I believe in you, buddy."

"T-T-Thank you, Sir Jake. I'll get on that immediately."

"When you find something, you know where to find me, right?"

"Of course. Everybody knows where you live."

Jake's career as a knight for hire had been very lucrative for him. And with just a small fraction of the gold he made, he was able to have a fairly large size house built. The builders had seemed confused by a few of his requests. For example, his desire to have a bedroom in the basement. Many wealthy people had wine cellars or underground food stores, but nobody had considered actually living underground before Jake. Another thing he wanted was secret passages throughout the house. A game from his childhood had inspired that feature.

"Ok, sounds like a plan,' Jake said as he turned to leave, 'don't let me down Vinny. Take 'er sleezy."

Before Vincent could reply, Jake was out the door. Taylor was still waiting by the horses dozing slightly. Taylor was startled when Jake shook him awake. That made Jake chuckle slightly, but then it was right back to business.

"Alrighty, back to home base. We need to resupply and refuel." Jake said.

"Aye, my lord. A wise decision. We must be refreshed and in good spirits in order to face the task at hand. Our confidence must be high. Our hearts must be noble and true. Our-" Taylor was cut off by the sudden appearance of a crossbow bolt piercing his skull through the front and out the back of his head.

Jake was splattered with blood from his now dead friend. Without thinking, he darted back inside the pub before Taylor's body hit the ground. Another bolt struck the door just as he slammed it behind him where his head would have been. People all over turned to look at the commotion. They quickly hit the ground when more bolts started shooting through the windows. A few patrons were hit before they realized they were under attack.

Jake didn't have time to feel bad about them or mourn his fallen companion. He instinctually made a plan to defend the bar from the inevitable invasion that would soon follow. His previous training told him that after the initial volley, what likely would follow was two small squads would attack from the front and back simultaneously and try to trap everybody in a choke point. That is assuming that they were here to kill someone in particular and didn't care about other casualties.

Little did whoever they were realize, Jake knew how to defend against that. They expected everyone to run to the back away from the frontal assault only to run straight into the rear assault. To counter that, Jake ordered everyone to stay where they were and barricade the door and windows. He was surprised that he was listened to, even by Gwyn. Confidence and quick thinking go far in stressful and dangerous situations.

Tables flew up to block off the shattered windows and kegs of ale were stacked in front of the door. Jake had six men stack all the chairs in the hallway that led to the back door. Once that was done, he employed his advantage of knowing the pub. There was a cellar hatch under the bar that went to a storage area. He ushered everyone down for their own safety. The attack had to be only moments away when the last person was down.

He looked around to make sure he was the only one left. If these guys were after him, they would get only him. To his dismay, he saw he wasn't alone. Both Gwyn and Rose had stayed behind.

"What the fuck are y'all doing here?!' he shouted, his old accent always came through when he was stressed, 'the shit's bout to hit the fan!"

"This is our pub, our home. We're not giving it up with out a fight." Gwyn said pulling a small blade from under the counter.

"That's right, love. And we would 'ate to lose our best customer to some ruffians." Rose added.

Jake didn't have time to argue, he could hear them pushing on the door. So far his plan was working. They hadn't expected the door to be blocked. He got an idea while they were occupied. He ran behind the counter and pulled out a bottle of spirits and a dry dish rag. He popped the cork on the bottle and stuffed the rag down inside. Moving over to the fireplace he lit the rag on fire. Going quickly, he moved a table from the window and threw the flaming concoction at the invaders. The bottle broke and the men were ablaze.

Their screams were heard through the old oak door and Jake knew either they were dead or would scatter. He turned around and saw the two women staring at him in shock. "What?" he asked.

Neither woman could speak for a moment. Finally Gwyn said, "I ne'er seen anything like that. Ya've told me all these fantastic stories about your exploits and I never really believed 'em. Seeing ya do that for real was amazing. What was that thing with the rag an' the bottle?"

"Where I'm from that's called a Moto cocktail. We need to move before the second wave comes around back."

But it was too late. The second wave of attackers had made their way to the chair barricade and were notching their bolts. Jake kicked over the kegs and flung open the door. Before him lay the charred bodies of three men dressed in castle guard uniforms. He ushered Gwyn and Rose out just as the men behind loosed their first volley. Gwyn got free of the door, but Rose was about to be hit. Without thinking, Jake shoved her out of the way taking six bolts in his back and legs. The pain was so intense he felt himself blacking out. Just before losing consciousness, he heard someone casting a spell and saw a blue light fill the room.