I lay in bed wondering if anyone will ever write a book about me. If they did would any one read it? I'm not main character material. Main characters are perfect and idealistic. They always make the right decisions and say the right things. They are beautiful and charismatic. They are humble and self deprecating in a cute not annoying way. They get the prince charming, the best friends, perfect parents, and caring siblings. They say beautiful things and gain respect. Everybody loves the main character.

I am not main character. I am a weird sub character only added to move the plot along that the author will kill later to add a dramatic effect. I will be the character that no ever remembers their name and no fanfiction will ever be written about me. That's just the type of person I am. I'm awkward and weird and I don't play well with others. I tell jokes about murder and tell stories that are anticlimactic. I am forgettable and replaceable and even though I am full of stories I have no one to tell them.

But you? You're the one they will be telling the story of for ages. You are the inspiration of a generation. Movies will be made and books will be wrote all about you. Fan girls will faun over your sparkling eyes and drool over your luscious lips. They argue over who is the best person to ship you with. They will fight over who gets to marry you. You may not you are anything special but to them you are perfection. You deserve to be a main character. You are main character material. I would be honored to be your useless side character. Like the guy in Spongebob who always yells "MY LEG".

I guess I should introduce myself though there isn't much to tell. My name is Michelle Candor. I'm your average 16 year old american girl. I'm kind of a walking contradiction. I'm shy but blunt. I'm creative but uninspired. I'm pretty but average. I'm smart but illogical. I'm a romantic cynic. I'm honest but secretive. I have a lot of friends but I'm lonely. I'm a lover who hate a lot of things. I'm a mystery that's not worth unraveling. The sad truth is no matter how interesting I make myself sound, I'm not actually that much of an enigma. Everyday I wake up go to school, go home and waste my life until its time for me to fall asleep. Then the next day I start again. I'm sure you'd rather spend time talking with one of my siblings or another kid from my school. But if you insist, I guess we can be friends.

I woke up Monday morning to the screams of singers who are all mad at their dads. I flailed around to find my phone silencing the alarm. I sighed when I saw the time and tossed my phone on the ground. I shoved my glasses on my face and tried to find the energy to turn on the light. Couldn't I... just... go back... too... sleep. My eyes began to close as my next alarm went off. This one was even more jarring. I always set several alarms then forgot about them. I turned on my light and leaned over to find my phone. I grabbed it and typed in my password. Then I turned off all my future alarms before rolling over to scroll through tumblr for the next half an hour. I don't know why I bother waking up early. I'm just going to spend all my time on tumblr til I realize I'm going to be late and rush to get dressed no matter when I wake up.

This morning was the same as every other. Five minutes till I had to leave, I saw the time and freaked out before throwing on some random clothes. I stuff my chucks into my backpack along with my charger earbuds and notebook. I run down the stairs and out the door while piling my hair into a messy bun.

You are waiting for me at the bus stop, just a few yards away from your porch, I sit on your steps and pull out my shoes. They always take for ever to untie, loosen and shove my feet into so I always run to my bus stop in socks. Its a mystery how I haven't cut my feet open yet. You smile at me, your eyes bright with amusement. You know I stayed up too late last night deep in a pit of sadness and spent all morning on tumblr. You know I grabbed my small skinny jeans and my big shirt off the messy floor and found the mix match socks under my bed.

You hand me a banana as I draw on my eyeliner.. I always forget to eat so you have a bunch of snacks in your back pack at all times to for when I cant wait for lunch. You have both our lunches packed because if you didn't I would eat junk food only. You were always there to take care of me when no one else bothered. I'm grateful for that.

I've never been in your house. But I've sat on your steps and talked for hours several times. You've been in my house a lot though. You practically live there. Some mornings when you know I've had a long night, because I sent you a text a four am wondering if the chicken ever wanted to cross the road anyway or if it just did it because societal pressures, you will come over to gentle pull me out of bed in the morning and convince me to take a shower. Then you will lay my outfit on the bathroom counter and make me a lovely breakfast. After you're sure I've had enough we would go back to my room and you would let me spill about the awful night I had and then you would tuck me into bed and let me nap. Then skip school to help me through my existential crisis. While I slept you would start tidying my room because a clean room is a clean mind. We would spend the day together and that night you would tuck me in at a reasonable time and stay till I fell asleep. Just to go through the same process less than a month later.

Last night wasn't a bad night though. I went to bed at 1 and didn't even cry myself to sleep. Actually it was a rather good night compared to some. This meant the bags under my eyes were smaller and the smile on my face was bigger and it meant that today I would be ok. It was always like this a few days after a break down. I would be better a little before things got gradually worse again like always. But I wont think about the future because then I'd get sad and you'd notice and we'd miss the bus because you were too busy fixing me. That was not going to happen today. Today I was going to be happy and you were going to be proud of me even though you knew that soon enough I would be a mess again. You would still have hope that I was better and I would try to be better for you.

When we get to school, you march through the halls like you rule the place. I shuffle next to you, eyes on the ground. You grab my hand and drag me to our lockers, right next to each others because it couldn't be a proper cliché if they weren't. Once all our stuff is away you saunter to class, pulling me behind you. You are ready to face the day head on just like always.

The school day passes with us going through the motions. At lunch we sit next to each other and eat the lunches you maid. I finish mine then feel guilty for it. I shouldn't be eating. I don't deserve to eat. I look down at my stomach. I was fat. I poke it and frown. I shouldn't be eating. I wish I had the self control to just not eat. I didn't deserve to eat. It was just going to make me fatter.

You eat your lunch, a salad with a brownie on the side and some water, at a moderate steady pace just like any other person would Not scarf it down like a pig like me. You deserved to eat. You were the perfect balance between fat and skinny. Your stomach was flat but with the perfect little pudge of fat to make it soft and cute. You weren't muscular but you could get your head above the chin up bar. You weren't a track star but you could walk up a flight of stairs with out feeling winded. Just another perfect thing about you.

I watch your face as we talk. Its a light with happiness. Your eyes sparkle and your cheeks blush. You laugh a beautiful jingling laugh that makes the whole world seem brighter. After you make a dirty joke you'll wink and smirk and it will make you look like the sexiest person alive. Your voice is the voice of someone famous. A voice that makes people smile and feel at home. A voice that's like a blanket that envelopes me. You gesture wildly to make your point and it looks so cute, I say something that makes yo laugh and laugh till you sigh and toss your arm around my shoulder. This makes me smile. The warmth and weight of your arm somehow makes everything feel better. It makes everything seem more real.

After school we ride the bus home. We don't sit in the back or the front. We sit in a nice middle seat. I pulled out my phone and handed you an ear bud that you took. I blast some tunes and you nod along to them. The bus ride passes and soon we're walking home to my house. I open the door and run up the stairs. You follow, laughing for no reason. I open my door and hop on the unmade bed, glad to be home. You close the door behind you and lay on top of me. We smile and stare at the ceiling. You giggle at the glow in the dark stars we added a long time ago. This moment reminds me of back when I was happy. Tears spring to my eyes but I keep smiling and for once I'm at peace.

We stare mindlessly for a few minutes longer until you pull both of us up into a sitting position. We have to do our homework, you decide. If you weren't here I would not do any homework at all. And if I didn't do homework I woudn't retain any information then I would fail the tests then I would fail school then I wouldn't go to college then I wouldn't get a job and get married and have kids and a house. Then I wouldn't be homeless and wouldn't be happy. But you are here to help me through the work. Because of this, I finish all the homework and put them in the correct folder for each subject just as you always tell me to.

If this was a bad day, you would wait till you got home to do your work. I would trudge upstairs and flop on the bed while dropping my backpack to the ground. I would plug my earbuds in and blast the music until I couldn't feel a thing. You wouldn't sigh or complain about my state of mood or the fact that you could hear the music through the buds. You would just get up and open my curtains. Then you would pick up the dirty clothes and toss them in a basket. Then you would toss them in the washing machine. Then you would run me a warm bath and leave me to soak as you work on cleaning up my mess.

But this isn't a bad day, I wont let it be. This is a good day. I sit next to you and do my homework like a normal person. After the homework you make me change into shorts and a better fitting shirt. You grab my hand and pull me down stairs. You want to take advantage of this good day while its still here. We put our shoes on and you drag me out the door. I smile at your excitement. I pile my hair into a tight bun that wont wobble. I know where you are taking me.

It doesn't take long for us to get to the park. You planned ahead and pull off your pants to show shorts. I laugh for the first time in a while. Only you would plan ahead like this. You wiggle your eyebrows and throw your pants in my face, asking if I liked your strip show. I assure you that yes I did enjoy the strip show. You touch me and yell "TAG YOU'RE IT". I laugh yet again. I run after you around random pieces of playground equipment then down the slide. We chase each other on the monkey bars. Then we sit on the swings and see who can get higher. Its fun and for a second I forget how messed up I am.

I wonder for a brief moment what the parents think, what the little kids think. Two teenagers running around like children. Spinning and chasing each other. Maybe they think we are young and in love. Imagine that. Us, in love. I play with the idea, picturing us holding hands and hugging, well we already do that, but what about kissing? That is one line we don't cross. Other than that I don't see how we aren't. We are young, only a quarter of the way into our lives. In love? I love you. I stare at you and wonder if you could ever love me. You the bright shining sun of my life. You give me warmth and light and your glow gives me what I need to survive. Your bright eyes glimmer and filled with stories you cant wait to tell.

But I'm like the moon. Surrounded by darkness, slowly getting darker and darker until I'm completely shrouded in darkness and you come along to slowly bring me light again. Right now I'm at a full moon, shining bright because I'm reflecting your rays but soon enough it will all get dark again. Though my cycle isn't as regular as the moon. I sometimes its steady but other times its abrupt with no signs. Ill go from from a smiling normal girl thinking that all that mess was just me being a drama queen to curled up on my bed eyes dry from crying to much with in a day. I was a mess but you didn't care.

We stay at the park til the sun is setting and our bodies are screaming at us to take a break. We walk home, leaning on each other to keep from falling to the ground. When get home we take the shoes off our tired feet and stumble into the kitchen. You plug my phone into the speaker and put on a fun playlist. We dance around the room as we cook dinner, spaghetti and garlic bread. Then we plop on the couch and turn on some little kid show and eat dinner. After dinner you help me do the dishes then you walk home. Today was a good day. It had its low points and bad parts but it was a good day. I commend myself for being normal. You deserve to have a normal friend. Now I just have to survive the night...

Nights have always been the worst for me. You always leave at night even if you stay long enough to tuck me in you always leave before midnight. I'm always alone at night. Loneliness is dangerous. It leads to silence, that's why I love music so much. It surrounds my mind and fills it so I cant think. But it was loud loud enough that if I closed my eyes tight, I could pretend I wasn't so alone. I could pretend I was just one in a crowd. No one special just your average music lover nodding her head along with everyone else.

Sometimes though the music isn't loud enough to silence my thoughts. No matter how loud the music is sometimes I can still here all my faults screaming at me and all my doubts whispering in my air. Did you know that in your mind, a scream is just as loud as a whisper? No matter how loud the music is on my worst days it cant over power my mind. Even the screams of the singers cant match the screams in my mind.

Still though I blast it. It surrounds me. I lay on my bed and I cant hear a thing. Besides the music that is. You always say that one day I'm going to make myself go deaf but I never cared. I went over to my small bookshelf and picked out a classic, Harry Potter. I wasn't the biggest fan but at night it was always better to choose something thats reliable. Sorcerer's Stone, best to start at the beginning. I curl up on my pillows and start reading. I escape into the story. It was only ten, I had plenty of time.

I close the book. I have official read The Sorcerer's Stone ten times in my life. I get up and place it back in its designated spot. Then I crawl back into bed and check the time two oh three am. I should go to bed.

I tuck myself into bed and turn off the light. I stare at the glow in the dark stars. They remind me of you. We added them when we were still little. Young kids running around, wild with ambition. I stood on the spinny office chair while you held me tight, you would never let me fall.

We spent all our allowances on these stars. You never could stay long enough to camp in the back yard with me and watch the stars so we decided to bring the stars to us. When we got home we ran up the steps and pestered my dad to let us use his chair. He watched us with amusement as we drug it back to my room. You decided I should have the honor of placing them but first we had to draw a map. We ran back to dad and begged for paper and a pen. Laughingly, he complied. We layed on my bedroom floor and drew a detailed map of where each star would go and named our 'constellations'. It was like playing connect the dots.

Soon it came time to put them on the ceiling you helped me step on to the chair and laughed when I almost fell. You pushed me around the room and passed me stars along the way. Every few stars, you would just start spinning me and spinning me and we'd laugh and laugh.

After all the stars were in their places you dragged me down stairs, you said the stars needed to charge. I trusted you, you were always the smarter one. We sat at the kitchen and asked my mom for sandwiches. She gave each of a triangle half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a m and m cookie along with some milk. You got chocolate and I got white. My siblings ran around arguing about things that didn't apply to us. We giggled about our classmates at school. Who had a crush and who wore lip gloss and who had kissed someone else on the cheek. We finished our lunch and ran back upstairs after thanking my mom.

When we got to my room we turned off the lights and laid on my 'My little pony' rug. You always mocked me for that rug, saying it was lame or whatever but you meant it all in good fun. We stared at the 'sky' mesmerized. We were still young and easily entranced. We watched the stars, in our imaginations they were traveling across the sky dancing. You whispered for me to make a wish. I closed my eyes and thought about this moment, the peace and joy a child experienced daily. I thought about the stars on my ceiling. I wished it would be like this forever, you and me under the stars doing what kids do best and having fun.

We opened our eyes and looked at each other, eyes lit up with childish joys. We whispered to each other, asking to know the other's wish. 'I'll never tell' was the promise we made that night. But that night we shared secrets, whispers never to be whispered again. Though we didn't know each other's wishes we knew everything else. Everything seemed so safe in that darkness, only the stars to light the night. It was winter so the sun set early. The windows weren't letting the light in after a few hours of the kids laying on ground.

Two hours after the sun set dad opened the door and turned on the light, earning sighs from the children on the floor. He laughed and informed us it was dinner time. He grabbed our hands and led us downstairs to sit around the kitchen table. It was just us and my parents, my siblings were too cool to sit at the table with their family. Mom handed us each a plate of spaghetti that we ate quickly. They tried to talk to us about what we did in our room but we refused to tell. We were loyal to each other to the end. We hurried through dinner.

We ran back upstairs and hopped on my bed, my dad followed us and leaned against the doorway. He asked if you intended to stay til the real stars came out. You assured him that the stars were already out and you intended to stay until the stars fall and our wishes came true. Dad laughed an said Asked if you would stay even after the stars fell and our wishes came true. You said yes because if our wishes came true we would be here forever. Dad just laughed and left, leaving us to lay in bed staring at the stars. There we fell asleep together forever in our dreams under the sky we created together in the world we would rule by each other's side. That was the first and last time you stayed through the night.

I don't know why I'm thinking of this. Maybe its because the stars are shining on me now. Though you aren't here by my side. I guess my wish didn't come true. Figures, it wouldn't. They weren't shooting stars in a sky anymore, no, they were just cheap plastic glow in the dark stars we glued to my ceiling. Simple as that.

There was no literal magic in those stars, unless someone was a nerd and considered chemicals magic but let's ignore them, there was no real majic in those stars. They were cheap pieces of plastic that wouldn't do anything. The real magic was in believing in the star's magic. Beleiving our shooting stars would lead us through the dark and help us find our way home. We believed that the glue keeping the stars on the ceiling were strong enough to keep us glue together forever. Perhaps it would or perhaps when the first star falls it will flip our hour glass and start counting down. And then when the last star falls it will show for once and for all the end of the countdown. Time will have run out for us, what will we do then? Will we seperate for once and for all and run off to glue on new stars with new friends? Will we stay and flip over our own hour glass to start again or will one of use run out of time completely? Only the future knows.

But for now I will cling to the only life line Ive ever had and pray to whatever god that is listening that our time is forever. And maybe for once they will listen. Maybe I wont be left behind though you would be better off without the dead weight. This is all too much... In too deep. Thinking of the future. Stuck in the past. I need free. I turn up the music in a futile attempt to turn off my mind. It doesn't work. Mind keeps screaming and whispering and spiraling out of control. No end no beginning just one ever binding loop.

I needed it all to stop. My mind was way too loud. There was nothing but chaos. the ghosts of past me were screaming to escape and the screams of singers tried their best to hold them back. It was all too loud. I just wanted it all to stop. I paused the music and went to my dresser. I picked out a pair of short exercise shorts and a shirt that you gave me for my birthday last year. You made sure it was too big because you know my favorite things hid my form. You knew me well.

I crept over to my bathroom, right next to my room and turned on the light. I began warming up the water in the bath as i striped. I stared at myself in a mirror once all the clothes were gone. I wasn't pretty, not at all. I wasn't thin or shapely. I had curves in all the wrong places. I didn't like the way my stomach was on the edge of fat. My eyebrows were too thin and light and my hair was oily. My skin was littered with imperfections. The only thing I liked even a little was my eyes. They were green and made me look human. You always said that eyeliner my eyeliner made my eyes piercing and sharp in a good way. They balanced my chubby baby face a little bit. I turned the shower part on and laid my glasses and necklace on the sink.

I stepped and let the water surround me. When things got too much I always went to the shower. it comforted me. It warmed m. Sometimes i cried. I stopped crying a long time ago. The tears ran out and i gave up. I just stared at the wall for a moment and remembered my old bath markers. When we were younger our parents would let us bath together and we would draw pretty pictures on the walls about princesses and princes. We giggle and wipe them away to start a new story. I wished I had those markers now. They would have helped. I could draw a picture of us ruling over all the land together. We would reign supreme and all would bow to us. It was fun to imagine us in crowns and going to balls. we would make great monarchs.

I need to be productive. I tipped some two in one shampoo and conditioner, way too much for one head, and ran it all though my hair. It foamed up and made me feel like I was in one of those fancy commercials. i twisted my hair into a soapy bun and got to work on my body. I pored body soap on my fluffy scrubber thingy and rubbed it all over my body, scrubbing hard to clean my dirty skin. I scrubbed to wash away my sins. I need to get clean. I scrubbed til my kin turned bright red and felt as if it would fall off. I stepped back and let the water rinse all the foam off my body. Even though I was already clean, I let the water keep running. It made me feel loved.

I stepped out the shower on shaky legs and turned off the water. I wrapped a towel around me. I looked at the mirror again and wondered if I looked any different I wonder if I had washed away some of the awfulness Did i wash away whatever it was that told people that I was bad and that they should b scared and run away No one wanted to get close to me. They skirted around as if I had a disease they were scared to catch. Maybe I did. But you were never scared. You welcomed me into your open arms and accepted me into your life without questioning it. Maybe that was because we met when we were so young, Maybe that was why you didn't have me. You were with me when I became diseased and you were immune.

I didn't see anything different in the mirror though. It was the same girl that was always there. The same girl only you loved and maybe you didn't even love it maybe you were just sparing my feelings, it would make since you were always too nice to tell some one you thought they were annoying. I'm a burden on you just like i am a burden on every one else. But for some insane reason you stayed, there must be at least one likable thing about. If there wasn't you would have ran away screaming by name I traced my hand down my side as i tried to look at myself through your eyes. I couldn't do it I couldn't see the girl you did. You had hope in me but I couldn't figure out why. All I saw was fault and mistakes. I saw nothing good in the mirror. I didn't have redeemable qualities.

I sunk onto the floor and leaned against the wall. I needed to stop thinking about you. I had too focus on something else. I focused on the pain. The pain in my head. It was buzzing. The shower distracted me from the screams for a while but they were back. They taunted me and teased. They told me the truth. They told me what almost everyone always told me. They called me true names. I accepted their abuse, I welcomed it. It was familiar. I was happy earlier today and this was my penance. I didn't deserve happiness. I deserved this. I deserved the suffering. I had to punish myself.

I wondered if you threw away my tool after last time, you mostly likely did. That's who you were. I checked the drawer any way, i was right. It was gone, that's okay I would find a new one. I put on my pj's, the shirt was a dress on me. I tip toed my way down the hall and cracked open the door to my fathers office. I turned on the small desk lamp and opened the bottom drawer. HE always kept supplies in there. Pencils pens staplers and paper. Note books and binders and hand hold pencil sharpeners in case his electric broke.

I went back to the bathroom and opened it up with a saddening skill. I take out the blade and stared at it. Was I really going to do this? Disappoint you like this? Make this mistake. I guess so. I take the blade and ran it across my thigh, lightly at first but slowly getting heavier and heavier. My emotions bleed out my thighs and I wonder if you'll notice. After my thighs are ruined I drop the blade in the bottom drawer and use my bandaids and tape them down before getting dressed in my pj's and going to bed crying. So long and good night everybody.