Sometimes I sit and wonder

How many people you've been with after me

I shouldn't wonder that

And I definitely don't want to know

But still, I am curious…

A lot can happen in a year

And it's been a couple since we lived together

I still remember, every morning before I left the house

I would kiss you, and tell you I love you

You were usually asleep

But it was important to me

What turn of fate that our recent tryst

Happened on what would have been

Five years, of love, for us

You are not aware of this fact

And I have no intention of telling you

As for me, I am simply not built to forget

I have no anger that you broke my heart

I've grown in many ways, a lot of which

Couldn't have happened

In the confines of our relationship

And I am grateful, thankful even

Still, a deep longing remains

There was a time, when we first broke up

That I was angry

And I tried to rid my life of you

But then I got word, while I was halfway across the country

That you might be dying

And the anger was replaced with intense grief and panic

Which settled, only when you pulled through

And we reconnected, slowly but surely

Amidst the panic, I realised

That although I'd had other short

Romances, flings, or sexual friendships in my life

You're the only one

I've ever truly loved and committed myself to

You fulfill me in so many ways

And yet 'emotionally' was never one of them

Nor 'affectionately', and so I know

I wouldn't be truly happy if we tried again

Yet my heart can't seem to yearn for anyone else

Don't get me wrong, I have had interest

In other men and a few women

But nothing which feels concrete

To put this in context, I've had crushes

To a serial degree, consistently throughout my life

I've had sex with many men, all within the last 8 years

Yet I've only ever had one serious relationship

So, you can see that you have occupied

A very unique position in my life

I know it's not the same for you

So it seems to be the theme

In all of my personal relationships

That I care more, feel more, hurt more

And exhibit more intensity

Than most other people

And so I was probably too much for you

Too committed, too affectionate,

Too in love

I tried to dial it down for your comfort

But this only resulted in emotional outbursts

And so there is a concrete reason

Written in ink on this page tonight

That we should not be together

But still my heart sings the song of you

And my mind's eye remembers

Looking into your eyes, and

Seeing them age before mine

So, I suppose, you could say

That all I really want

Is to see you grow old

You don't feel this way about me

Or maybe you do

If it was hard to tell, back then,

It's impossible now

But I suspect that you don't

Maybe not yet

Maybe never again

And I have to find a way

To live with that somehow

When I realised that you are

The only real love in my life so far

I wondered, and worried

Perhaps I am too committed, too devoted

Too much of a steadfast lover

To ever get over you

To ever love another

I'm not a believer in soulmates

I'm actually a quite radical

And slightly non-monogamous

Believer in all kinds of free love

But my heart has chosen you

Changing my heart's mind has proven difficult

This brings me back to my original question

The reason I wonder how many people you've been with after me

Is the same reason I don't want the answer

Because, for me, it's nobody

No romance, no flings, no sexy time of any variety

With anyone but you

For the last five years of my life

But you are not aware of this fact

And I have no intention of telling you