Dec 1

Dec 1

It is quiet this morning. My room is filled with a faint light. I can hear mama nurse snoring. I look at my legs. They look like the stuffed legs of Raggedy Ann my doll.

I feel around for my pulley. A loud squeaky groan comes from the metal hook on the rail. I can hear mama nurse coming through her door.

"Honey, go back to bed."

"The sun has come out." I point to the window.

"Yes, but it is too early." Mamma nurse closes the door quietly behind her.

My wheelchair makes zig zag tracks across the carpet. Very slowly I lift myself into my wheelchair. Down the black rubber ramp, I slowly move the spokes of the wheels. I look behind me and see mama nurse frowning at me. Her thick eyebrows come together, in the middle of her forehead. She slowly shakes her head and goes back into her room.

My wheelchair glides softly down the ramp, as if I were on ice. I can feel the slow pull of the wheelchair as it makes a complete stop. The hallway stretches out before me, a long dark tunnel with a red sign at the end that says exit.

I look at the clock on the right wall. I can see the big hand on the twelve and the little hand on the six. I know it must be really early, because every time I wake up before, the little hand is on the eight and the big hand is on the three.

Slowly I wheel down the hallway. I can see all the other doors are closed.

I feel like I am on that game show mama nurse watches all the time. The one where the man has to open a door, from many doors to pick out a secret prize.

My teacher tells me that when I am writing, I should express my feelings more.

So I decided this is what will help me. Mama nurse told me I am too quiet and I should talk more, but when I do, my mouth does not say what I want it to say. Some people smile and laugh at me. I do not know why they think this is funny.

I asked my teacher if I was funny, and she asked my why. I told her people laugh at me. She was not happy when she heard that. Today is a quiet morning. Nobody is laughing at me. I like this morning.

Dec 14

I had a dream that I was living with all these kids, a mommy and a daddy. We were all sitting around a big table. There was a shiny lid with a plate under it. All the kids were yelling to the daddy to open the shiny lid.

The lid was opened and a big sign was under it. It said you are not allowed to eat at the table. You are different so you should go away.

Then I woke up.

I told mama nurse about my dream. She said it might have been God telling me I should have a home. That I need people to take care of me, because I am not like other normal people. I thought this place was my home and all the doctors took care of me. I asked her who God was and she said he made all the decisions for everybody. Now I think God must be the owner of the home, since he can do anything.

Dec 16

I had a visit with the doctor who takes pictures of what is in my head. My teacher told me that doctor is called a

P-A-E-D-I-A-C-T-R-I-C N-E-U-R-O-L-O-G-I-S-T. That word took me a very long time to try and say.

Then my teacher helped me spell that. They take pictures of the inside of your head, with a big machine called an X-Ray.

The picture is called an MRI. A M-A-G-N-E-T-I-C R-E-S-O-N-A-N-C-E I-M-A-G-E. That took me a very very long time to say! It helps tell them what is wrong with me and makes them know what to do with me. At least that is what mama nurse had told me. I feel tired right now, so I think I will go to bed. Mama nurse once told me sleeping cleanses your soul.

I wonder what that means. Does it mean I am washing myself while I sleep?

Dec 20

Everybody in the home is getting ready for Christmas. The time where you get big shiny boxes and inside are toys to play with. Some kids have their mommy or daddy come to give them toys.

Mama nurse told me that I do not have a mommy or daddy. My mommy left me at the home. Mama nurse said my mommy did not like me, because I was different from all the other kids when I was a baby. She had even hit me, because she was angry at me. She left me here, to let somebody else take care of me.

Maybe if I found my mommy and said I am sorry, she will be my mommy again. When I see other kids with a mommy or a daddy, I feel sad. I hug my Raggedy Ann doll to make myself feel better.

Once I hugged mama nurse, but she started to cry. I thought I had hurt her, so I only hug my doll instead.

My teacher told me Christmas celebrates the coming of Jesus, the son of God. I asked her if Jesus was now the owner of the home, because he as the son of someone who was the boss. My teacher tried to explain to me, but I did not understand.

Dec 25

It is quiet this morning. Outside everything is covered in white. There are two shiny boxes on the floor for me. One is from mama nurse and the other one is from my teacher.

I am sitting on my bed thinking of all the new things that I have learned. I also think about all those funny words doctors use to tell me who I am. One doctor called me a P-A-R-A-P-L-E-G-I-C. I asked my teacher what that was.

She said it meant I had two parts of me that do not work. She said that doctor had meant my legs.

I never knew that doctors had names for everything. Mama nurse had always said I was just special. That I was different, so I was put here to live with the other kids like me. So I thought my name was special, because that was what she called me.

Then my teacher told me she meant something was not right about me.

I wish I was okay. All the time outside, I see people who are normal. Talking to other normal people. I wish I were normal so I could talk to them too.

I opened my shiny boxes. Mama nurse had given me a book written by God. So I think God must be a storyteller too. He sure has a lot of jobs. The one from my teacher was a picture with words on it. A thing you call a poem. It said:

You are who you are

There is no such thing as normal

Be how you can be

Then you will become anything

Then it has a picture of a person in a wheelchair, on a path leading to the sea. This is now my favorite thing of all.

Jan 1

I do not care anymore of what people think of me, or the names that doctors call me. I am happy that I am learning to speak and to write. I am happy to be me.