an. this collection is centered around sexual assault and is highly personal. general content note for associated subjects.

i said: everyone has a deep dark secret.
u just gotta find it.
she said: i can't find it.
she said: why can't you just be happy?

i stared at my phone,
laughed at the words on the screen.

i said: if i knew how to be happy,
don't you think i would have fixed it
by now?

i fill my empty with cigarettes.
with chocolate. with whiskey.
i light candles and put them out. i pace.
i try to cry, but it feels pointless.
i think about things i'd rather forget.

in december a boy put handcuffs on me
and left my wrists bruised and sore and cold.
he gave me shots of vodka,
and now i can't drink it straight.
in december i cried in his bed, begged him to wait.
he said: it's okay,
and then he fucked me anyway.

she said: what's ur least favorite memory from california?
she said: is that your secret?