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Tulip

I think I'm just being paranoid. About Jack, Sadie, about it all. I'm sure Sadie would never consider anything with Jack. She probably sees him as an androgynous off limits... thing. Besides Sadie is my best friend, she would never hurt me, she's clueless. For gods sake, she asked me earlier why all the girls hated her. Isn't it obvious?! I tell myself to calm down but I'm curled up in a blanket with no distractions, I should be calm already so I don't know what more I can do.

I wish Jack was here. No, I don't. I want Sadie to be here so I can talk it through with her but she'd rather play darts with the guys. I don't know.

Besides she's clueless, she probably doesn't even see the way that Jack stares at her. She doesn't even know why the girls are jealous of her, for gods sake. I don't even really know to be honest, she acts more like a guy, hangs out with them. I think she prefers their company to the girls, to mine. I don't know what it is about her. She's very beautiful and not in a forgettable way either, with very long orange hair. It's so bright and vivid, we all thought she'd dyed. One girl went as far to send a hair to a lab (she's even more suspicious than me) and the results came back, it was her natural hair. Sadie naturally had the most vivid hair I'd even seen. Or maybe it was other things, maybe it was -

"Tuly, I'm back." Jack's voice interrupts my thoughts. He slung his jacket lazily over the back of the arm chair and for a second, I see him pause before he comes over to briefly kiss me. Although he's back, I love him being here, I hate it too. He doesn't seem to hold the same excitement and energy to him that he had when he was going to hang out with Sadie. I can tell by his face this is more of a chore.

"Want to watch something?" He casually plucked the remote off of the sofa arm keeping his eyes on the TV screen. I don't want to watch anything, I want to talk and ask him why he left me alone for hours, why he spends time with my best friend more than me, why he prefers her company over mine. I want to ask him why his eyes light up when he's with her and why he's turned me into one of those girls who is just waiting for her man to show up. I hate him and love him but I'm aware that the more he's away, the more dependant I become on him.

"Yeah, I don't mind." I tell him instead. He leant over onto his knees, his eyes fixated on the TV. I lay down onto him, my chin nuzzled his shoulder. This should be sweet, dammit, but he won't comply, won't put his arm around me and now it's just awkward. I slowly moved off his shoulder and return to my old seat, "How were the guys?"

"They were good. It was just me, Sadie and Vince." His tone harshened on Vince's name. I've never met him but judging from what my friends said, he's tall and handsome, built like a movie star. Sadie said he's good at darts but crap at pool so he never plays.

"I'm glad you had fun." I reply dryly as my evening was shit and he knows it.

"How was your evening? I'm sorry I didn't spend it with you but I promised the guys that I would go out with them and I promised Sadie. We can hang out another night."

"Tomorrow?" His face winced instantly when I said this.

"Oh, Tuly. The guys asked me if I would be there for a rematch in darts. I got thrashed, Sadie and Vince ganged up on me and I... have to defend my honour." I snort at his excuse. His honour? Really?

"Oh. Okay then." I moved further away, wrapped myself further into my blanket cocoon.

"I'm sorry, Tuly, it's just..."

"You don't want to let them down?"

"Yeah, yeah. That's it." But what about me? I feel let down and ignored and nobody seems to care.

Not Jack, not Sadie. Nobody.