Sunday 11th September 2016,
(at least it's 12:56am while writing this so, it's now Sunday)

YOHOHO!

There's been a lot of behind the scenes progress here. There's also a reason why my usual updating on our interactions have stopped. That is because I've decided I have found the answer and this time I'm sticking to it. And I was rather conflicted because once I decided this I knew I wouldn't be writing anymore, after all this is 'solely' about our interactions with one another until I found out whether or not what I was feeling was love. So, is this love?

No. Yes. Maybe. Most likely the first answer. At least that is what I've now decided. Or perhaps it's more that I no longer have the desire to pursue Tosh as anything more than a friend. I agonized over it, overjoyed that for the first time I was feeling such an intense love towards a person. Well maybe this will contradict what I just wrote but actually, yeah, it was love. It was love but I don't think it was romantic love.

Towards Tosh.. Honestly, I can't stop thinking about her. She's constantly on my mind whether it be past conversations or little day dreams about her (which I just found out day dreaming is actually a mini seizure) anyway, ugh, I really like her, I know this. I get excited to see and talk to her. I jump with joy when I receive a message from her, I can't stop thinking about her (like seriously, maybe I should start charging rent if she's gonna stay there), I close my eyes and I see her smile and that cute little eye roll she does when she thinks I'm being a loser, I think about what topics we should talk about, I think about how I want to be near her, I think about how I really want to hug her and just I don't know, stuff like that I guess. I think about her a lot.

I really do get quite ecstatic knowing that she's joining me on her break, that we'll talk, that I can stare at her without it being weird (you know, I always look at the person I'm conversing with – but actually I have caught myself absentmindedly staring and smiling at her, it's like I always get this small smile when I see her, like I have the urge to smile). I like talking to her, we have nothing in common and yet we have so much? I learn something new about her every time we talk. Ah, I think I've gone off topic.

Is this love? Yes.

Is it romantic love? No.

Tosh is, she's indeed very special to me. I really care for her and I really like her. I love her. But I'm not in love with her. I love everything about her though. Perhaps this is the feeling one has towards their best friend? My friendships are rather complex and confusing so I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to feel about a best friend, I thought like a normal friend except you hang out more but maybe not.

But since it's come to this, it's been fun. Talking to Tosh, messing around, all that stuff (getting to actually properly try writing). Like sometimes I don't even know how we got onto certain topics but it's funny and fun, talking to her is fun. I've, wow, I've actually gotten a tad bolder. Sometimes she says things that makes me think "maybe she likes me too" but then I remember she has a boyfriend (also, if I didn't mention she's moving away at the end of the year :( ) and that this must be what best friends usually fool around with. I've learnt so much and have been able to change because of her. It's strange that it's come to this, that because of her I've managed to grow more as a person, could that be counted as something love does? Well, I did admit it was love it just turned out differently to what I had expected.

I suppose part of me had actually hoped that when I finished writing this, when I found my answer, I'd be with Tosh. It'd have been good ol' real love. But really perhaps it's just that I can't imagine it going any further than holding hands… I can't even imagine a kiss, that's not normal towards the person you love, right? Well, whatever. I'm happy with how things turned out but I'm still a little unsatisfied.

I don't know what it is but I feel the desire to have a partner now more than ever. Preferably a girlfriend, no that's exactly what I want, a girlfriend. I just, I just want to text her dumb things and spoil her with cute little presents and, and really be myself with a person, explore new things with her, go on dumb trips and fall so deep in love that I, I don't know even know what. I want to be so deeply and intensely in love with another girl that my entire body yearns for her. I want to hold her, run my hands through her hair, caress her cheek, give her little kisses, smile while kissing, make her smile, make her laugh so hard she snorts and just stuff like that.

I guess I really am gay.