Hey everyone, it has been years. I still constantly think about this site and the happiness it has brought me whenever I uploaded a new story. The support I got from my readers was indescribable.
I have grown up quite a bit and my life has been a bit messy. I lost my passion for writing fictions, but have been writing real life stuff on my blog, you are free to follow it.
Out of a whim, I wrote this. My life so far and the people who have shaped it in the best and worst way possible. And the type of person I have become today. I hope you enjoy...
To The Things Never Said
Closure is a hard thing to come by when you are hurt, fragile and at your most vulnerable. Half the people in your lifetime won't give you that at all. So what do you do when you have no closure? The best thing to do is to carry on, forget about the closure you never got and become numb to the dull ache in your heart until it simply fades to the back of your mind. Until of course, something comes back and that thought and wound opens back up.
When that time comes, it puts you into this mind frame where you wonder what went wrong or what could have been done differently. You toss and turn, unable to sleep, simply wishing that they had said something to give you that closure. An apology... An explanation... Reassurance... Affection.
And then there are the times where you wish you said and done things differently...
These are the things I wish were said.
To the first boyfriend who cheat on me and lied. Hid me from everyone and who you were... What you did... I wish you said "sorry". I wish you didn't take three years to say that one word. The one word that could have altered the person I am today. The one word that would have stopped me from stepping onto a path of self destruction and self sabotage. The one word that would have stopped me from hurting people the way you hurt me. The one word that would have prevented me from damaging future and potential relationships.
I wish you said "It isn't your fault. You did nothing to deserve this". But instead all you said was, "It is what it is. You will get over it one day! You seriously need to get over it" and your reason for being unfaithful was "I was too drunk and high to know what I was doing". That wasn't a reason. That was an excuse. Instead of giving me reasoning and closure, you gave me insecurity. Self doubt. And in the ultimate process, I lost the love I had for myself.
Instead, you waited after my three year path of destruction and self loathing to finally say those things. It was too late. It is still too late. Because you damaged it all again when I tried to grasp onto that final chance for closure. The chance to stop hating what I saw in the mirror wondering what was wrong with me and what made me so unlovable...
I wish I said "Goodbye" as soon as I saw the photos of you caught cheating. Instead, I gave you many more chances.
To my first best friend of ten years. The girl who I grew up with and envied, but still loved as my sister. I wish you said "I am sorry I wasn't there when you needed me most". The one day I needed you most, you cancelled last minute because your boyfriend who you live with came home. I understand relationships, they always come first. I just wish I knew this at least 30 minutes prior, so I didn't end up home alone on that important day again. The same way I have been for the past 7 years now.
I wish you were as supportive as I was whenever something great happened in your life. But instead all I got was "Is that all?". The blood, sweat and tears I put into the career that I wanted... That was all that was said. When I saw you after moving to the same city, having tea and going shopping and working on the blog we had and crying together when you got the new job you had wanted... That was pretty much the last good memory I had of you. Despite your lack of interest and enthusiasm, I still kept trying. Only to be met with disbelief and no trust in the project I was excited for us to do. I wish you told me sooner, "I am not interested and I think this idea is stupid". Instead, I got left behind and ignored when you started making a name for yourself as a model. I was left behind as a fool.
I know that we had our ups and mainly downs and that we will be the bad guy in each others' eyes, but I don't see how you could make it such a public thing and a huge story live in front of everyone. You simply said that I constantly "One Upped" you and your sadness, when in my eyes, you always one upped my happiness. We were the opposite sides on the same coin... You just took it that step further and publicly painted me the bad guy... You said on a stage in front of people "Oneupmanship is my story". When actually, it was our story and what we went through and put the other through together in the worst way possible. And yet, I was so evil in your eyes.
I wish you said "I don't know who Wren is" when people in our industry mentioned me. Whenever you were brought up, I simply said "I don't know her". Now THAT was the truth. Instead, you said we have history and spoke ill of my skills as a model and actress in the industry. Now, I find it hard to open up to women my age let alone want to be close to people. I have a fear that no matter how long I know someone, no matter how many secrets we share or how many flights we took to see each other on the important days of our lives... We always leave someone behind. I wish I said "Goodbye" a lot more nicely without being angry at what transpired. And unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to say, "I forgive you".
To the first boy who loved me. It is me instead who wished I said a lot of things.
I wish I said everyday how much "I love you". I wish I told you how much "I appreciate everything you do for me and have done". I wish that everything I have been through didn't come around full circle. I wish I didn't let my first boyfriend be carried into what we had in the form of background noise in my head. OR that I felt like a clone of him with the things I did.
I wish I said "You don't have to be realisitic. There is nothing wrong with trusting people". But saying those things would have felt like a lie after everything I went through. Because those are words I couldn't trust.
In the time I have seen you grow up, I could see in a scary way, myself. And in an even scarier way I can relate to what my first did. It isn't something I would wish on anyone.
I also wish that I didn't want you more than I do now after all my mistakes. I wish I saw what was wrong with me sooner rather than make you fight with the person I was.
I wish I could say "I am so sorry that I am not as lovable for you".
To the first man to love me. My father. For the years that have passed, there are so many things I wish I said. That I wish I told you. Things I wish I did and didn't do.
In the years I spent alone in my lonely hell and quiet suffering from high school, I wish I spoke up and said, "Dad, I am being bullied". But my pride got in the way. I wish I spent more time telling you, "You are the best dad and I love you". Instead, I spent my time being defensive and angry at the world and simply said, "Go away!" or "Leave me alone". After that, there was a silence that would hang heavy in the room with tension after I slammed the door and locked my self away.
For all the times I felt embarrassed when I was a teenager with the dorky things you did, I wish I laughed along rather than groaned saying, "Dad, you're embarassing me". The times when you supported and got excited about the things I wanted to be and the dreams I had, I wish I said, "I appreciate it. All the books you got me to study to be a ghost hunter (yes, I was a kid and wanted to be a ghost hunter), they will definitely help!" instead now I am left with the reminder, "You don't realise what you have, until it's gone".
I wish I said to my brother the day before you died, "We should go see dad while he is in hospital". But instead, we were too busy and had zero worries and priorities. We weren't prepared for the next day and what it would cost us.
I wish I could tell you now, "I am so sorry". But I lost all chances.
To the people reading this. I know I can say to you now "Say what you feel. Don't close off and hide it all". There will be a time where it will be the final chance you have to tell someone how you feel or the final chance at an apology. It will be too late. Don't risk it. Forget your pride and remember those who love you and stick by you.
And to the silent and unspoken"Sorry"s and "I love you"s , I am sorry you were left unsaid.