You know what's scarier than Halloween?


You know what's scarier than dating?

Dating when you're older.

So, now that I'm closer to the end of my days than the beginning, let me reveal:

The Top Ten Things I Do Before A Date

10. Take a nap

9. Wash off the fishy smell of Preparation H.

8. Try to remember who I'm taking out.

7. Massage my prostate to ease the swelling.

6. Massage my prostate because it feels good.

5. Shave back, comb eyebrows, trim nostrils, and pluck the hair growing out of my ears.

4. Do stretching exercises so I won't pull a muscle later when we... well... you know.

3. Don't forget my Gas-X.

2. Apply acne medication... ON MY ASS!

And the number one thing I do before a date is:

1. On my way to pick her up, stop somewhere to take a shit.