I'll start this off simply: I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe this is a rant, maybe this is real writing. I don't know anymore. But I do know that something is missing from my life. I just never feel productive or needed. I sit around going to school, getting good grades, making friends, liking boys- but it's all just one robotic, unnecessary life. I feel okay when I'm at school, because I have things to focus on and things that make me feel productive. But I suppose that's my issue- I need to feel productive. I need to feel like I'm doing something important, whether for myself or for others. I know there's a lot of people who hate working, and I understand that, I do, but I feel the need to work. I can't exactly explain it. I'm too young to have an actual job, but it's summer, so what do I do? Nothing. That's a weird feeling for me, because I think that when I'm working I find a way to focus on something beyond my problems and odd questions about the universe. It gives me a reason to feel like I'm doing something. I know that not everyone will understand what I'm saying and how I'm feeling, which is logical, considering how I'm probably insane. Who knows? Maybe this is all just some hypothetical crap my mind came up with in order to distract myself from boredom. Maybe that's it- maybe working is my cure for boredom. It's all weird, and very strange. It's hard for to explain it, but I get this feeling when I'm working that pulls me away from my other problems. And maybe it's because I can stress over things that won't last forever. Maybe it's a reason for me to stress over getting a B- on a test instead of stressing over all of the secrets I keep and my family problems and my friends and the life I'm leaving behind. Maybe it's a way to escape. Could it be my anxiety? That sounds plausible; it could just be that my anxiety wants me to do more. Could it be my perfectionism? Always aiming to be perfect and sound perfect and feel perfect. Or maybe I just want more in life. Maybe I'm simply living a bitter, robotic existence and that just cannot be changed.