"And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now." -Lego House, Ed Sheeran
Over time I've learned to develop myself in different ways. I've known for a long time that I wasn't the picture of a perfect person, but lately it has felt like I can see that more prominently. I've felt raw so far in 2017. The year did not start off well for me. 2017 started with rejection and insecurities. Anxiety, depression, regrets, and uncertainties threw me off my game. It's August now, which means a lot has happened for me.
I moved across the country, and that was the first step. I was in a really bad place in my life a few months ago. I was suicidal and I just didn't want to deal with my problems anymore. I felt useless and unnecessary. It's hard not to feel that way when all of your relationships seem to be breaking and falling apart. Once I moved, I kind of found out who my real friends are. My eyes were opened to everything that happened. I only stayed in contact with four of my friends from my old town out of what seemed to be tons of friends. The true friends are the ones who will stay in touch with you no matter where you are, and not many people were true friend if we follow that rule. I found out that one of my best friends had never been my best friend at all - in fact, she had hated me for most of the year. But it's all okay because if she doesn't want me in her life, I don't want her in mine.
I nearly died shortly after moving. Saved by a boy I barely knew. Surf camp, high tide, strong current, and weak girl is not a good combination. I was pushed out to sea and lost all of my energy. He was the only one who saw me start to drown. He swam out and saved my life. That changed my life. It changed my way of thinking. It made me realize that no matter what happens, life is precious. It made me realize that there's so much more to life than just running around and trying to be popular. It made me realize what truly matters in my life and allowed me to open my eyes to the world. Ever since that's happened, I've seen a little glimmer in life that my eyes would never allow me to see. I look around and I realize that this is my life - I survived. And if I survived, that means I'm meant to live. This life of mine still has so much potential. There's so much I wasn't doing, and now I feel like I can do it.
My life is different. I'm taking the time that I need for myself. I'm working on my mental health and my physical health. It's hard to figure out who you are and you want to be in this world. There's so many people and so many personalities, and it's tempting to try to recreate one of those within yourself. But you have to learn that you were made for something more. There's something within all of us that sets us apart from the rest. I know that sometimes I feel like I'm just another unoriginal human being in this world, but I realized that I'm not. There's something different about me. I don't know what it is just yet, but I know that there's something about me that sets me apart from the rest. I've learned to accept myself for who I am. I'll still have insecurities and doubts, and I know that. But after everything 2017 has brought to me so far, I love myself more than I can ever remember before. Maybe the love isn't unconditional yet, but I'm bringing myself closer and closer to acceptance than ever before.