I stared at my computer, reading the lines over and over, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. It was one of those moments when you simply start thinking. One of those moments where it doesn't really matter where or with whom you are. You just distance yourself from the world.
I stared at the lines on my laptop as if they were the most fascinating thing I've ever read, despite the fact that I was paying no attention at all. While the cafe was mostly full of people, I had somehow managed to close myself on my little world. It wasn't really that hard considering that I was sitting in a corner at the second floor with headphones (that were funnily enough just there for show) on. I wondered if I gave away an "Don't get close" aura of some sorts, as I could see people glance at me every once in a while.
It was during moments like these that I usually felt lonely.
Seeing all those people around me laughing and chattering did have an effect on me. I know, it sounds pathetic. But it's true which only makes everything even worse.
The feeling faded away, though, as I started to seal away everything, placing my attention fully on the story I was reading. It kept me entertained for about an hour or so, but I finished all available chapters sooner than I'd expected.
Then, I felt it again. That nasty feeling that makes your gut twist and your eyes peek up every once in a while. I hated it, still do, to be honest. I could simply use skype or something to talk to a friend or even call one over. The funny thing was that none of them were close. My friends, my true friends were hours away, locked at a city I had the rare chance to visit.
I had friends here, but they were that sort of "friends" that you just use to avoid being lonely while knowing that they do the same with you. There were some others who are simply gone now. It hurted at first, realizing that you've "done" something they consider wrong and that'll make them hate you. At the same time, though, I couldn't care less.
Many had left before so why wouldn't they?
I closed my eyes, imagining myself somewhere better. Or perhaps, at the same place but in some sort of a better reality.
I was at the same cafe with the same people, sitting in the exact same chair with the exact same drink. But I wasn't alone this time. That person smiled at me expectantly, waiting for a snarky joke of some sorts or for some stupid comment. I knew that if I said either of those, that person would laugh and respond with something clever to make me smile in response.
Me and that person continued on, talking for what felt like hours. It was nice for a change, to be with someone like that. Someone who wouldn't get tired of me and give up like most people do.
"Hey," That person said, catching my attention. "As much as I love spending time with you, you should go." Their smile was tender while their eyes had that hint of sadness that I hated seeing.
"It's still early…" I said, looking at the time on my computer. "Nobody's expecting me at home anyways."
"I guess not." Their smile dropped slightly. "But still, you need to go back to reality."
"For what?" I responded, my tone harsher than I intended. "I'm fine here, I prefer it here."
"I know." They said sadly. "But you can't depend on me forever you know?"
I felt my eyes burn and my chest ache. "Can't I?" I whispered. "Can't I just be forever here?" My voice came out as weak, pleading.
"I wish you could, but you can't dream forever."
"Why?" I felt anger bubbling inside of myself. "It's not as if anybody missed me or anything. Nor I have something to go back to!" Even though I had raised my voice a lot, they didn't flinch. They knew me too well for that.
"It's not as if everything is going to get any better." I continued at their silence. "Every time, I fuck up. So much that it just gets worse no matter what I do. I'm tired. I've tried for too many years to no avail. Can't I just give up? Isn't that possible?"
"It is." They said. "But that's not the right answer, is it?"
"Maybe not." I answered, quieter this time. "But that's the one I'm taking."
I blinked and found myself in my seat. Less people were at the second floor -and different on top of that- but it didn't matter. While I knew that they weren't real, they helped me much more than anyone else did. It was pathetic and I hated myself more for it, but they were the one reason why I wasn't broken.
Sometimes, dreams can help people live more than reality.
Deciding it was time to go, I got up from my seat and placed my laptop inside of my backpack, sealing it shut before heading to the real world once more.