36Chapter 2 - Cutie-Pie
"Hey guys - I think I found one!" Jennette yelled from her recliner in Darrin's living room. The whole group was there, each on their cell-phones with a notepad in front of them, calling around trying to find a boyfriend for Caleb. Darrin's father was offshore and would be for the next month. His mother was playing bingo at the church, and would be for the next four hours. Darrin's house was one of the larger ones amongst the circle, plus it was approximately centered between them all and the school, so it made a natural meeting place. Caleb was playing baseball somewhere. One doesn't become a star player by hanging out with their friends.
"Report!" Darrin demanded. Treating the affair like a military operation was a running joke now.
Jeanette ran down the known facts: "17 years old, and single just like all the others. His sister says he's cute, never had a boyfriend, and he sounds pretty decent, at least according to her. Might be worth a field-trip?"
"Where's he live?"
"Raceland."
"Whoa, that's almost forty miles away. Kind of at the end of our range. What was the sister like?"
"Enthusiastic. Actually… bizarrely enthusiastic, to tell the truth. She's a year younger than him. Oh, and his name's 'Josh'."
"See what else you can find out about him. We've had enough surprises and blind alleys over the last three days, I don't want to waste the gas on another one."
"Roger that, sir!"
Raceland, Louisiana, the next day:
"Okay! - Jesus Becky, what the hell is it you - Wait. Who are all these people?" Josh asked, after being dragged against his will out the front door. The Golden Meadow team was arranged in irregular battle-formation on the circular driveway in front of Josh's house.
Becky didn't bother saying anything, she just wanted to observe the transaction, not take part in it. She pointed to Jeanette, signaling you're on!
"Hi, uh… oh! Hi Josh", Jeanette greeted him from the front of the group of seven people. She'd been delegated to be the spokeswoman, the thinking being that a woman would seem least threatening in this situation. But she was having a little trouble thinking straight because Josh was, as promised, really cute. REALLY cute. As in god-damn, man. Cuter than his sister, even, and the sister was a fox in her own right.
"I'm Jeanette, I talked with your sister yesterday. So, uh, look, there's no way to say this that doesn't sound suspicious and creepy and maybe even crazy, but… we're here to check you out and see if you're potential boyfriend material for a friend of ours."
Josh had to let it sink in for awhile - but really, it wasn't all that crazy. He was well aware how difficult it was to find a gay boyfriend in the wetlands of southern Louisiana.
"This 'friend' is a guy, right?" He asked just to make sure.
"Yep. Freshman, sixteen years old.", Jennette replied, and then just couldn't help herself, and added, under her breath, "Ohmygod you're so pretty…" Under her breath perhaps, but still audible.
Truth is, she was only saying what the rest of the group was thinking. Some of them were standing there with their mouths hanging open in awe. They'd never seen a boy who was prettier than most girls - and yet still obviously a boy - before. Chestnut-brown hair done in an emo-slice but without gel, perfect light chestnut skin, cheek-bones, luscious bow-shaped lips, seriously bright green eyes... the entire Photoshop enhancement toolbox, it was all there. He even had noticeable hips. It was giving the boys some complicated feelings.
Josh paid no attention - he'd been hearing about how pretty he was all his life. But this… This was an unusual situation, sure, although still not quite beyond belief. Besides, over the years Josh had become used to unusual situations. While visiting New Orleans with his parents as a child, the family had been approached by a modeling agency scout. He'd been ten years old at the time. And he'd been a full-time male model - as much as was possible for an underage schoolboy - ever since. Which was nice and all, but because of that he'd become jaded about being pursued for his looks. The business-end of beauty is vicious and brutal, and it had left its mark on him. Not to mention being hit upon by a seemingly endless parade of middle-aged men who also worked in the industry. He'd never accepted an invitation (he thought they were gross), nor had he ever been actually molested, but the opportunity was always there, and he just became accustomed to it.
"Okay, I get what's happening. Or at least what you want me to think is happening. But I don't recognize any of you. Where're ya from?"
"Golden Meadow."
"Wow…", replied Josh, actually impressed.
"Yeah, a long way off, we know, the radius keeps expanding. But now I'm thinking 'jackpot'!" Jeanette beamed at him.
Josh folded his hands together and rested his chin on them while standing there - his habitual "thinking pose". While these kid's story might be real, they also might just be looking for something to post on youTube. "Okay, so what's your next step, then?"
"Well, I guess we set you two up to meet, right? Maybe at -" Jeanette began, only to be cut off by Darrin.
"We need you to see if he's your 'type'. We already KNOW that you're his - we've all known him for a long time - but it's gotta go both ways. Right?"
That sounded reasonable, but still not above suspicion. "Okay, so is he cute?" To teenage boys, gay or straight, this was of paramount importance, even if it wasn't something they were necessarily proud of.
"Uhm… well…" Darrin hesitated. He didn't realize that the word "cute" has many meanings, depending on the preferences of the person saying it. What a gay boy calls "cute" might be vastly different from what a straight one does. Darrin simply couldn't imagine any circumstance under which Caleb could be called "cute".
Darrin's unwillingness to answer that question caught Josh's interest. Because at 16, most boys were still "cute" as in "girly" - and "girly" wasn't Josh's thing. At all. Even Josh thought that it was incredibly ironic, since he himself was about as "girly" as a boy could get without makeup.
"I see…" Josh said contemplatively. "You, girl. Is he cute? And what's his name?" Josh had been thinking about the complications of "cute" for longer than anyone else there, including his sister.
"I'm Jeanette. And yes, he is, I guess just not in a way a straight boy would think, though. Name's Caleb."
"Aaaand… Caleb likes cute boys? Cute like me, I mean?" Josh was painfully aware that most gay men didn't go for girly-boys, at least not once they were out of high-school. He'd been shot down many times (every time, actually) by older men. Apparently it was something people - girls as well as gay boys - just kind of grew out of. He figured that there must always be exceptions, but he'd never run into one so far. Hold on… but Caleb wasn't an adult, according to these people. So what… what exactly was Josh hoping for? He abandoned that train of thought because it was going into scary territory.
Again, Jeanette answered, "Oh yeah. Totally."
"Who's got a picture of him?" Josh asked the group.
"Oh, I do", Darrin answered and swiped at his phone a few times, then held it out towards Josh, simultaneously walking up within arm's reach. "It's from a trip to N'awlins last fall, to see the Aquarium of the Americas."
"Hmm. This guy's really 16? If you say so, but I'm going to need something shirtless. Anyone?", Josh asked as Darrin resumed his place in formation.
"Oh, me!" Jeanette cried, "From the waterpark. Yeah, this should be what you're looking for." She too held out her phone.
On it Caleb sparkled wetly in all his muscled, hairy glory, although Josh would have preferred Speedos instead of the basketball-style swim trunks he had on. But daaaaayum, man...
Josh actually lost his cool - and his cool was very important to him. "Oh, fuck me", he whispered. Only Jeanette could hear him though. She had to grin. Jackpot indeed.
After clearing his throat in an attempt to regain some composure, Josh said, "Okay - I'm in. Probably. Now tell me what's wrong with him." Because Caleb was just a little too perfect. Were these people trying to set him up for a prank? Or was there some other problem… maybe he was a delinquent of some kind, or in a gang, or a stoner? There had to be something, just to preserve the balance of the universe. It didn't occur to Josh that most people thought the very same thing about his own beauty.
"What?", Darrin asked, mildly insulted, "No… no, there's nothing wrong with him! He's my best friend since grade school. Well… okay, he hates crayfish. There. For a Cajun, that's pretty 'wrong'. But that's it."
Josh's ears perked up. "He's Cajun?"
"Yeah. So? I am too. We're from Golden Meadow… most people there are." The term 'Cajun' doesn't usually carry any negative connotation, but Darrin knew that there were people who thought it equated to a marsh-land version of 'hillbilly'.
"Don't get all defensive - it's a plus. I know a lot of Cajuns. They're totally loyal to their family and friends. And they don't play tricks on people. So you're his best friend, huh? And you're straight?"
"Uh… yeah…" The fact that his best-friend was gay while he himself was straight had never even seemed odd to Darrin, so he couldn't imagine what difference it would make to anyone else.
But to Josh, it was just another green light. It meant that these strangers were probably okay, and maybe even cool. "Okay then. I'm in. Let's all go inside and talk about what we're going to do next. It's hot out here."
Josh's sister Becky finally spoke up, "Yay!" she said, applauding.
"So what's he into?" Josh asked, once lemonade and RC Cola had been distributed.
"Sports", all the Golden Meadow group said at the same time.
Josh sighed, "Of course." With muscles like that, it was almost inevitable. "Playing them or watching them on tv?"
"Both" they all said again, not quite in unison this time.
"Well… fuck", Josh sighed again with even more dejection, wondering if he'd actually be able to put up with that. "Seriously - nothing else?"
"He doesn't have time for much else", Adam offered. Everyone nodded. "What about you?"
"I'm about half otaku and half movie nerd."
His sister corrected him, "Actually, he's ninety percent otaku and maybe ten percent movie nerd. Most of his favorite movies are all anime."
"This could be a problem" Darrin said, "Caleb hates anime. I've tried to show him some."
"You're otaku?"
"Not really, but I know what it means, anyway."
"What did you show him?"
"Dragon Ball Z and Gundam. He said they were both stupid."
Josh brightened, "Ah ha. Well okay then, I think so too. All hope is not lost. Maybe I can get him into a sports anime…"
"There's sports anime?"
"Yeah, and I happen to really like them, in fact. Let me guess - you think it's all about Pokemon. My Dad used to think it was all like Speed Racer. You people only know what you see on American tv. Anyway, good. How's he feel about Lord of the Rings?"
"I don't think he's ever seen it. Any of them."
"The Matrix?"
"Now that one he liked. A lot."
"Alrighty then. Hopefully we can find some common ground, anyway. Oh - this is important: does he dance?"
Jeanette took over, "Sure, country two-step, Zydeco, pretty much any line dance…"
"How about waltz or tango?"
"Well, he can waltz, sure. Don't think he's ever even had a chance to tango..."
"That's okay - waltz is enough for starters. Because, just FYI, I'm into ballroom."
At the time, none of them could have guessed what a bombshell that last statement was.
"Well, did you guys have a good time searching for queers in Southern Louisiana today?", Caleb asked as he entered Darrin's house without knocking. He never knocked.
"Yeah, found a guy who wanted to take a dump in your mouth. I told him I'd see how you felt about that", Darrin shot back. Caleb glared at him with death in his eyes. Darrin continued, "We've been doing this for you, asshole. Be a little grateful. Anyway, yes, we actually did have a good time 'searching for queers', and found a really cool one. He fed us boudin balls and everything. You're meeting him tomorrow in Cut Off, dinner at Alzina's."
"Okay okay, I'm sorry if I sounded… ungrateful. Thank you - all of you - for finding me a boyfriend. But… I mean… it just feels a little weird being set up for my first date - and with a boy - by you guys, y'know? It's embarrassing. Give me a break."
"Yeah, I can kind of see that. But hey, we're done now. Assuming you want to see him again, that is. Preeeeety sure you will, though", Darrin winked at Jeanette while Caleb wasn't looking. Jeanette tried to hide her smile.
"So who is he? What's he look like? How big's his dick?"
"If you don't stop showing your ass we can still call the whole thing off."
"Yeah yeah, I'm sorry again. It's just... a blind date? And you all know him now but I don't? Wait. What did you tell him about me?"
Adam spoke up, "That you like sports. But he doesn't, so don't talk about sports. In any way."
"Well what the fuck can I talk about, then?" Caleb asked, worriedly. Sports were his life. If he couldn't talk sports, he was going to be in trouble.
Phan took a turn, "Anything else. School. What's there to do in Raceland. Find out what he likes to do, eat, watch, whatever. We can tell you that he likes dancing. Find out what kind and where he goes to do it."
"It's a first date, Caleb", Jeanette said with a note of exasperation, "It's basically just hanging out together and trying to figure out if you want to have a second date. And if you do, maybe a kiss - no tongue - goodnight. That's all there is to it."
That sounded easy enough. Maybe I'm worrying too much… Caleb thought. "Dinner at Alzina's, huh? Not a very private kind of place…" Alzina's was a restaurant built to look like a barn. Inside were all long tables with twenty chairs at each one. There were no booths.
"It won't be busy on a weekday evening, don't worry about it" Chester said. He loved Alzina's. "Get the crayfish jamb-, I mean the shrimp jambalaya. You'll be glad you did."
"Yeah, I've been there before. Okay then, so please… I mean, please! tell me about this guy you found then."
Jeanette took the lead again, "Josh Viator, 17 years old. Likes anime and movies. Drives a 2012 Subaru Forester, green. Cute."
"Him or the car?"
"Idiot. Him."
"Oh, so he is cute then? Well that's good. Got a pic of him? And I'll need his number, too."
Darrin took over again, "We showed him pics of you, so we figured it was only fair to show you pics of him. But we've decided that you'll have to get his phone number yourself. He doesn't have yours, either."
"Why are you -"
"Because we're trying to do this right, dude, and we really don't know how. It's not like any of us have experience setting up blind dates, or gay dates, or blind gay dates. We're guessing and hoping for the best."
Caleb's mood softened. Yeah, Darrin had a point. It's just that he had never been on a date either - not counting cover-dates with girls, which he only just now realized had all been a complete waste of time and energy. His friends were just trying to do right by him. He really should be more grateful. "Okay, okay… I get it. And guys? Thanks for all this. Really. So let's see then. C'mon! This is actually getting kind of exciting…"
Now everyone had to hide their smile. Darrin handed over his phone. "Here ya go", was all he said. Like it was no big deal.
Caleb took the phone and stared. And stared. And stared. His face developed worry-lines. He stared some more. Suddenly he looked up away from the phone, but not at anyone in the room… more like into deep space. It looked like he was about to say something, but then looked back down at the phone again. And stared. Finally, not looking up, he asked, voice cracking, "A-Are there any more?"
Of course there were more. The first five pics of Josh were with his shirt on, solid white, nothing special. The subsequent five pics were all topless, and after those were professional, modeling-agency head-shots of just his face. But Caleb hadn't even swiped-left once so far - he was still on the first one.
"Yeah, there's more", Darrin answered simply. The gathering was all grinning by this time, unable to hide it any longer. They waited patiently and counted Caleb's swipes. They were all literally on the edges of their seats as Caleb swiped for the fifth time.
"HAAaaa", he gasped. He actually gasped, with his mouth continuing to hang open afterward. But the group's grins were slowly disappearing because Caleb didn't look all hot-and-bothered like they'd been expecting. He look scared. He looked panicked.
"Guys…" he began, setting the phone carefully down on the coffee-table in front of him, "I… I can't do this." He looked around at the various faces, obviously without actually seeing them. He got up and began making his way to the front door. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all… the trouble you guys went to - but I just can't… I'm sorry!" he cried as he slammed the door behind himself and ran away.
Everyone sat there stunned. Chester finally broke the silence with, "Didn't see that coming…"
"Yeah. Uh… I'd better go find out what's-" Darrin began.
"I'll do it", Jeanette interrupted him and got to her feet along with Darrin.
"Huh? Uh, look, Jeanette, I don't wanna pull rank here, but I am his best friend, so-"
"I know you are - but you're also a straight boy. I think this will go better if it's just us girls."
"Uh-huh. I wouldn't say it that way to him, if I were you…"
"I know you wouldn't, Darrin", Jeanette said from the doorway, "that's exactly my point." Everyone sat stupefied and silent again as she closed the door behind her.
For Jeanette, Caleb's unexpected behavior fit a lot of things she'd wondered about together. She had a pretty good idea what was going on, and no, it wasn't something a straight boy would understand. She scanned for Caleb and found him holding himself up with both arms against the live-oak tree in the front yard, his shoulders still heaving. He's scared to death, she thought. Well, I guess Josh's looks are pretty intense, probably even more so to a boy who's so into pretty-boys. Shouldn't have been a surprise.
"Hey", she said just to announce her presence.
"Jeanette… I figured Darrin would be coming out here…"
"He wanted to, but I told him that he should probably leave it to us girls to talk first."
Caleb let go of the tree and turned to face her with a questioning look.
"Oh, don't get all fake-insulted to try and change the subject. I already know that you know exactly what I mean", she said.
Caleb deflated. That had been his intention. "Dammit, I can't get away with anything with you people. Christ."
"Yeah, it must be tough, having all of us care about you so much, and willing to do whatever we can to make you happy. I'm sure glad I don't have to put up with that."
"So… is that suppose to make me feel better?" he asked, trading barbs.
Jeanette sighed and leaned up against the tree, "No… sorry. We're getting off-track here, my fault. Guess I'm not as mature as I thought I was. So can you tell me what's going on?"
"No."
Caleb's terse answer didn't bother Jeanette. She'd been expecting it. "Josh is something else, huh? You should've seen the boy's faces when we first saw him. It was actually pretty hilarious - but probably only to me. And maybe his sister. She was there too."
Hearing her talk about it was making the images of Josh that were already burned into his mind come to the front. He forgot about the contest of wits with Jeanette and just said, a little breathless, "Fuck…"
"We all figured you'd find him totally hot - so they're kind of wondering what's going on right now."
"He's… he's just… my god…" Caleb mumbled. His mind was full of fog - chestnut-colored fog - and he couldn't really think at all right then.
"Yeah, that's exactly what you like, right? What you find attractive. He's really pretty."
"Uh…"
"And you're not."
It took awhile for that last line to sink into the confused, frightened state of Caleb's mind. And you're not. But it slowly did, after several desperate attempts to find something, anything, else it might mean. No, Caleb was not pretty. He knew that. He often wished he were, but what with the muscles and body-hair, no, it just wasn't going to happen. He'd even considered shaving off all the hair from time to time, but it would've meant shaving EVERYTHING, face to feet, and it would've taken a really long time. Besides, he didn't have anyone to look pretty for. Until now. But even if he did, it wouldn't really help much. No, I'm not, he thought with words, I'm just not and there's nothing I can ever do about it.
He hated Jeanette for pointing that out. "Go to hell, Jeanette."
She had expected that, too. "It's weird that you don't seem to know anything about gay culture. I mean, I know you've never talked to another gay boy, or man, but I'll bet you never even searched the 'Net. Maybe you were afraid of what you might find, I don't know. Or maybe you have, but only for porn. Boys are like that. You don't realize that you're in a weird spot in the spectrum. You like boys - but only boys that basically look like girls. Most gay men are attracted to masculinity, not femininity. And the first thing a straight will tell you is, 'Hey, if you like fem so much, why don't you just date girls?' But I know what you'd say. You'd say-"
"Because girls don't have cocks."
"Exactly. You really like cock. Hey, I do too. Right there with ya, sister.""
"Would you STOP doing that!?"
"Listen to me, Caleb. Just shut up for awhile and listen - you can be all mad later. We're both basically teenage American girls. NO ONE in the WORLD has body-image issues like we do, okay? Now, you and me have them for different reasons - you think you're ugly because you don't look like what you yourself find attractive, and I think I don't measure up to all the girls on tv, in movies, and in magazines. God, the magazines. Don't get me started. But it's still the same issue, anyway. Now me, I know I'm pretty good-looking, actually. I know it in my brain, but in my heart I still think I SHOULD be prettier, like all those girls in the magazines. But you… you don't seem to realize how attractive you are at all! It's kind of freaky. Maybe it's because of all the sports you play and hanging around with other guys almost all the time. Or maybe it has something to do with your total disinterest in girls so you don't even notice how they act around you. Whatever. Dude, you're totally fucking hot! As a straight girl, it kind of pisses me off that you're gay, to tell the truth."
Caleb couldn't make up his mind about all the things she was saying. Some were obviously true. Other things sounded true, but were hard to believe. But that last bit was obviously a total lie. At best, Caleb thought he was just a regular-looking guy. He was entirely neutral about his own appearance. Which was why he didn't pay much attention to it.
"Nice try", he said.
"Yeah, I know you're not going to believe it just because you hear someone say it. But dude, you should've seen Josh's face when he saw a pic of you at the waterpark, shirtless. He was… he was actually stunned! He thinks you're totally hot, Caleb. If you won't take it from me, then at least give him a chance to prove it to you, huh?"
The slew of what first sounded like insults, but then rang of truth, and followed by what appeared to be compliments, was going to take Caleb a long time to figure out. But Jeanette had, just barely, convinced him that there might at least be a chance, and he wanted that chance with his whole body, heart, and soul. Be that as it may, he still didn't have a clue what to say now, and so let a long moment pass, avoiding her eyes.
Jeanette smirked, "You know, you only saw Josh's first topless pic. There's four more…"
"There is?" Caleb said with a look on his face that Jeanette would never forget. I think I did it!, she thought.
"Yeah. Oh - and none of this conversation leaves this… tree, right?"
Truthfully, with the mention of four more topless Josh pictures, Caleb had already forgotten most of it. For the time being, anyway.
"Duh. Besides, the boys wouldn't understand. It was just girl-talk."