I miss you…but I'm trying to be realistic this time; This time I won't let the images in my head implode on the crystallized surfaces of my heart, that which is so eager to reflect color; I don't want to be the fool, but mostly, I don't want to wake up in six months or three and feel differently. See…it's more complicated than you could ever imagine.

I am not sure I believe in anything lasting forever or if I ever did. I mean the idea sounds nice and I am not too proud to say I haven't imagined it with you. I wonder why girls like me and girls around the world sit in their rooms falling in love with the idea of love.

Just to wake up the next morning; the next year and four heartbreaks later, to understand that nothing is ever that simple.

How can I miss you this much when it's only been three days… and I hate that I grew so attached to you and I hate that you're the only thing that makes me feel better and you're the thing that hurts me too and I hate how I just have to think about it all fucking day and I hate how I still can't be strong enough to close the door on this. I hate it.

You have been in my head for a year and eight months.

I liked you that first day we talked; I bet you don't even remember…

I don't want to be the one who loves more and I don't want to have to prove anything to you. I don't want to feel like I am not enough and starve myself because I think you deserve someone beautiful. I can't be what you deserve. I just can't.

So I need to let go and I know this. I've accepted it and come to understand that one day maybe I'll be happier, and accept also that I will probably have to let you go entirely. Out of sight, out of mind. I will need to forget.

If I made you care for me or think that you cared, I'm sorry. I don't know why I do this… People are better off without me and that's the truth. I guess that's why I'm running from you before anything could begin. The regret with you would be too hard to bear, and I'm not sure I can trust in any other ending for us. Sorry to be such a coward but, Maybe it just has become too hard for me to keep wanting this and thinking you might want it one day and waiting waiting waiting, always feeling I will never ever ever be what you need.

It's exhausting and… I miss you… but I'm starting to break—

I'm miserable and over eating. I can't sleep. I am crying over small things again. And I don't want to hurt anymore.

My heart was broken eight months ago. (Can you believe it's been eight months.) I can't do it again so soon. But I guess I am, in my own way, our way.

This is our story… and I'm so upset just thinking about it. I'm so embarrassed. What a waste. Why did I do this to myself.

I will just have to tell myself it wasn't meant to be. How the words feel bitter on my tongue because I spent a year and eight months convincing myself you were the only thing I'd ever want…

I guess I learned a lot from the experience though. I'd try to make a list but really that was just me trying to sound mature. I didn't learn much. Only that I loved too much and I learned more about love being mostly about pain. Not that I'm not used to it. Not that I regret it, because I don't.

I followed my heart.

Now my heart is telling me to move on. So I will go down this road and honestly, just hope for your happiness. I love you and probably always will in my own way, this way, our way; I believe you will be the most beautiful person I'll ever know, I believe that and I believe we will be okay.

I will be okay.